


A collection of Barson fics

by Abitfairytailforme



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Chloe - Freeform, Court, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Family, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gay Male Character, Hatred of Spiders, Holiday themed chapters, Humor, Kate's her name, Little - biological - sister, Mainly Liv calls Noah "Love" and others, Marriage, Nicknames, Noah learns Spanish, Original Character(s), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Other: See Story Notes, Panic Attacks, Pet Cats, Pet Names, Relative's death, Sassy, Sick Fic(s), Spanish, Squad is betting on each other, best friend - Freeform, proposal, violin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2018-08-12 17:35:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 55
Words: 59,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7943212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Abitfairytailforme/pseuds/Abitfairytailforme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of cute Barba and Benson, and sometimes Noah. Possible other relationships to bleed in, but they won't be the main focus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Accidental shooting

**Author's Note:**

> I've been writing a lot of Barson recently, so I thought maybe stick them together. I'm mostly reading basic prompts and writing them, but if you want to request something, I'm happy to write it, ask in the comments. These are not connected, and if they ever are, I'll put 'part 1 and 2' to make it obvious. Like the tags says, other relationships and characters and tags will be added as I move along, and I'll post the rating(G,T,M, or E) in the notes of every chapter. They'll mostly be G.
> 
> Anyway, just a simple collection of fluffy Barson, sorry for any grammar issues and hope you enjoy!

Olivia had been against getting them the guns in the first place. She didn't like Noah being exposed to guns that early, but Rafael pointed out that they wouldn't hurt anybody and that he could practice for when he became a cop, which Noah had said he wanted to be for the past two years, and her control waivered, and she bought them for Noah's 6th birthday.

And he absolutely loved them. He was a good shot and he and Rafael often played together, having fights and pretend that Rafael was a bad guy and Noah was the hero cop, shooting him the the leg(Olivia had quickly taught him the real cops try not to shoot to kill unless it was necessary). Olivia still wasn't to happy, especially today.

She'd been doing some of her pointless paperwork, rubbing her eyes and sipping at coffee to try to stay awake. It wasn't easy. She knew that Rafael was watching Noah, playing in the other room, but she was still taken aback when the two of them ran into the room, giggling and Noah squealing as Rafael was shooting at him.

"Mommy! Papi's a really bad guy!" He gasped out, jumping onto her lap. She was none to happy when one of Rafael's poorly aimed shots hit her in the face, the little nerf bullet sticking to her face. It stung a little bit on impact, but had no lasting pain. She raised an eyebrow.

"Did you just _shoot_ me? What is wrong with you?" She admonished, he looked at her sheepishly.

"If it makes you feel any better, I didn't do it on purpose."

"No! It does _not,_ in fact, make me feel any better!" She had to suppress giggles at the situation. She knew she should be mad, but she wasn't, not really, especially not when Noah stood up in front of her, his little body protecting her as best as he could as he stood on the couch in front of her, blocking her view of Rafael.

"Don't worry ma'am. I'll take care of him. Surrender, NYPD!" He said. She definetly smiled this time. She was teaching him well.

"Never!" He started firing at Noah, hitting him in the chest. He pretended to groan, but then lifted up his shirt. Nothing was there(other than his stomach) but he was definelty willing to pretend there was.

"Bulletproof vest. I doubt you have that." He said, shooting Rafael in the stomach when Rafael starting running toward the two of them. He groaned  _loudly,_ nothing compared to Noah's earlier groan, and fell to the ground, clutching his stomach. Olivia swelled with pride at how Noah handled the situation and that he'd only shot Rafael in the stomach.

"Good job, Noah. Now what do you do?"

"Mirandize him?"

"First call paramedics."

"Right!" Noah jumped off the couch, rushing to Rafael, who was protending that he was actually shot. Noah followed what would be considered proper procedure, calling help before putting Rafael in imaginary cuffs and mirandizing him, speaking the words from heart.

"Do you understand these rights as I've explained them to you?" Olivia smiled. He really was a smart little boy. Maybe Rafael had been right, and getting the nerf guns hadn't been such a bad idea after all.

 


	2. Ego

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> G rating

Olivia growled, yes  _growled,_ as she snapped her phone shut. Barba was even more of a sarcastic ass today than usual. He'd denied her squad a warrant because of circumstantial evidence, saying that they had nothing, and when they did get something, it turns out he didn't do it. Boy, he swelled at that and reminded them why they have rules about circumstantial evidence. She wanted to throttle him then, but it got even worse. 

Then he won the long term bet they had between the two of them, which was whether or not Carisi and Rollins were ever going to get together, she said not. Then they walked into the squad room, talking about another warrant he was denying her, and walked right into the two of them kissing. God, he was not letting her forget that. 

Then tonight was the police fundraiser, and she'd given a speech about SVU and the importance of what they do, asking for money to gain more detective's and equipment. Barba had added another speech he came up with off of the top of his head, which convinced more people to donate to SVU than her speech which she'd worked on for 2 weeks. God, he congratulated her, but he looked smug. 

That's where she was now. Standing out on the sidewalk, snapping her phone closed when it went dead before she could call a taxi company. Barba walked out.

"Phone trouble?" He asked, offering her his phone."Here you can borrow mine." She nodded tightly at him, ordering a cab.

"Thanks." She said stiffly, handing his phone back and walking away from him. He ran up to her and turned her around.

"Olivia, why are you mad at me?"

"Why do you assume I'm angry at you?"

"It's fairly obvious. Are you upset that my speech was more effective than yours?"

"God!" She burst out loudly, almost smiling when the cool and collected lawyer looked shocked. "It's amazing watching your ego! If it gets any bigger, I won't need a car, I'll just hang on to you and float wherever I need to go!" She said roughly, fed up. He looked hurt and she almost,  _almost,_ felt bad for what she said.

"What?"

"Just leave me alone, Barba." She tried walking away again. He grabbed her arm, again, and turned her around.

"Never."

"Let me go!" He did. "I don't want to talk to you." She started walking away, quickly.

"I'm sorry." That shocked her, and she stopped walking away, turning to face him again. They were a few feet apart. He was actually sorry? And he actually said it? "I just get this way when I'm nervous or insecure."

"What reason do you have to be nervous or insecure?"

"You haven't figured it out?"

"No!"

"Because of you. Because you make me nervous and insecure." She gaped at him. Yeah, she'd always liked him, when he wasn't being a pompous ass, but this. This was news to her. She was so used to liking people that didn't like her back, she assumed Barba was the same. She couldn't seem to close her mouth and he looked upset. "See, this is why." She closed her mouth.

"Sorry. It's just..." She wanted to explain how she felt, but at that moment it seemed like to much work so she walked up to him, closing the distance between him. He looked  nervous, like he didn't know what she was going to do, and moved to take a step backwards, but she grabbed his fancy tie and pulled him toward her, crashing their mouths together. She heard him make a sound of surprise and her lips curled into a smile around his. He quickly got over it though and kissed her back.

"Well, that was, something." Barba said and Olivia smiled.

"Yeah, you had nothing to worry about counselor." She said, winking. Her taxi finally came, rolling up onto the curb next to her. "You wanna come with me, or you just going to ride your ego home?" She said, referencing what she'd said earlier. He smiled, climbing into the taxi with her, excited for what was to come.

 

 


	3. My Hero

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> G rating... E if you're a spider

There was only one thing left in the empty crib and it was her job to kill it. She'd been putting Noah into bed when Noah pointed it out to her and started crying. He was not going to go to bed with  _that_ in his crib, so now, it was her job to get rid of it.

She grimaced looking down at the spider, scuttling around the crib. She didn't mind spiders and wasn't afraid of them, it was killing them she hated. She hated the feel of the spider through the thin layer of the tissue. She hated that sound of the spider being crushed, killed. That crunch sound. It disturbed her, but Noah needed to go to bed, so...

She closed her eyes as she lowered the tissue to the offending spider, when she felt an arm on hers. Not a small hand, so not Noah. She opened her eyes and smiled when she saw Rafael. They'd been living together for 2 months now, and he knew her dislike for killing spiders.

"Here, let me." He said, taking the tissue, quickly killing the spider. She grimaced at the sound, but it was over in a split second.

"My hero." She said, pulling him in for a kiss.


	4. Gifts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been writing a lot... Will probably slow down after the long weekend. Anyway, this one's G rated

Most people don't know, probably most people wouldn't even guess, that Rafael Barba was a bit of a romantic. Olivia Benson was definetly one of those people until she started dating him. She found flowers at her desk, notes, and he was always treating her to a nice night, even if that was just playing with Noah, allowing her a nap followed by his home cooked meals, which were just the best. He gave her random gifts. He made her know that she was special to him. Olivia smiled the next day while playing with his newest present to her. A locket.

_"I have a gift for you..." Rafael said, pulling out a small box. He opened it up and offered her a small locket._

_"It's gorgeous." She gasped._

_"Look at it closely." She took it gently out of his hands, almost worried that she'd break it, it was so pretty. She brought the small heart up close up to her eyes and slid her reading glasses on. On the heart was the word,_ fearless _, like her current pendant._

_"Rafi..." She gasped out._

_"Here." He said, taking it out of her hands and opening it, then handed it back. She smiled at the small photo of her, Noah, and Rafael in it. One the other side was a simple photo of just Noah giggling at the zoo._

_"It's..." She was at a loss for words and he smiled. He undid the clasp._

_"Here, let me." She lifted her hair as he moved to put it around her neck, removing her old, worn down,_ fearless _, pendant. "I understand if you want to keep wearing this one instead..." He said, handing her the old pendant._

_"No. This is so much better. Thank you." She whispered._

He was way to good to her. She pulled off the pendant and smiled at the photo of the three of them. She decided that it was finally her turn to let him know how special he was to her. She knew jus the thing. She had a little secret that no-one knew about. Not Munch, Fin, Alex(who'd she'd even dated before the Valdez case), not even Elliot, whom she had been closest to. Not even Noah, who lived with her. 

She knew how to play. She knew how to play the violin, and she knew how to compose. They didn't have a major case at the moment, so she decided to endulge herself in a 30 minute break to start writing the piece. Unfortunetly, Carisi had other plans, knocking on her door after only 10 minutes.

"Come in." She said, sighing.

"Hey, I'm sorry to bother you, but..." He paused, looking down at the paper in front of her. She'd already written a page and a half of the song, it seemed to be coming along well, the best she could tell without her violin with her. "Lieu, are you writing music?" Her mind speed. She wondered if she should deny it, but then she decided against it.

"What if I am?"

"I didn't know you knew how to compose."

"No one does, and it better stay that way." She said, pointing her pencil threateningly at him. He held his hands up in surrender.

"It will." He zipped his lips shut and pretended to throw away the key. She inwardly smiled, knowing he could keep a secret.

"Okay then. What did you need?"

~~~

She smiled as the last note faded away in the room. She'd spent the past two days writing and practicing it, and finally, she deemed it perfect for his ears. She always loved to play, so she started over, loving the feel of her fingers flying over the black fingerboard, the notes in her ears, the way her eyes slid shut because she knew it by heart, the way she swayed a little while she played. She loved it all, it was her own little release from the world and maybe that's why she never told anyone that she played. No-one until today. She stopped playing when she heard the sound of the buzzer going off, indicating that Rafael had punched in the code and was coming up. She put the violin away, not wanting the surprise to be revealed to early.

"Okay Noah, so we're not going to tell Daddy about the violin, right?" She said. He giggled and nodded, covering his mouth with his hands. 

"Boy, what a day." Rafael said as he entered the apartment, putting his briefcase aside before kissing Noah, who was in Olivia's arms, before traveling up to kiss Olivia hello.

"I'm sorry." Olivia smiled sadly at him, knowing that court could be hard on him.

"Just a though day. Buthar," the lawyer taking the defendant's case, Olivia's mind supplied, "Thinks he's got the upper hand, but just wait until tomorrow. In the meantime, he'll be as smug as he can."

"I'm sure you'll wipe that look off his face tomorrow. In the meantime, I think I can make it better." He's eyebrows raised.

"Oh?"

"I have a gift for you. Isn't that right, Noah?" 

"Yes! Mummy's excited!" Rafael laughed at the boy. Olivia smiled as well before putting Noah aside. She then shot him a shyish look, something he didn't see often from her, and she pulled the violin out.

"Liv..." He said, she could see a question forming on his lips. She used the bow to tap him on the lips, shushing him.

"Wait." She said. She moved the violin to her chin, doing a quick check that it was still in tune, before taking a deep breath and diving into the song. She was addmitetly nervous, it had been a while she had played for someone, other than Noah, and he didn't really count, but when she started playing the first few soft notes, her fingers vibrating to produce a beautiful vibrato, she could hear Rafael gasp out in suprise and she pushed forward, the soft notes melting away into a quicker piece that she felt described Rafael in music. Alternating between quick, crisp notes, highlighting his sass and confidence, to soft, beautiful notes, revealing the soft, loving side of him few knew. The side she knew as the true Rafael. She didn't look at him while she played, she just slid her eyes shut, playing the music of Rafael from heart, only opening her eyes seconds after the last note had faded away. When she opened them again, she could see Rafael staring at her, a look of shock on his face. That mixed with the face of hearing something so beautiful.

"Olivia... I didn't know you played." She shrugged her shoulders. "It was beautiful. What piece was that, I've never heard it before." She smiled at him shyly. 

"I wrote it." The look of suprise and happiness spreading out on his face was perfect. 

"Livvy," she blushed at the nickname she mostly heard from him in bed, "That is the best gift I have ever received." He said, pulling her in for a kiss. 

"Well, you're special, Rafi." 

"Can you play it again?"

She nods, starting to play again, but this time keeping her eyes open, watching Rafael's face, the emotions on his face. She can only imagine what her own face looks like. 


	5. Stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> G rating

"Liv!" Rafael called out, desperately, cradling a crying Noah. He was refusing to go to bed without her, which wasn't uncommon. What was uncommon was that she wasn't at work and that he couldn't find her. He walked all around the apartment, opening doors and going into every inch of their apartment. Nothing. "OLIVIA!" He yelled, even more desperately. It was too late, 10:30, way past Noah's bedtime, and he couldn't find her,  _anywhere._

He sighed, knowing where she must be. She didn't go often, but when she did, which was every few months, she made a point of telling him that she'd gone there. She hadn't told her tonight, but he just knew she was there. 

"Sorry, Mijo." He whispered, pulling out his phone to call a cab, knowing that Liv definetly took their car. "We'll have to go and get mommy, won't we?" He asked, kissing the boy's head. Noah's crying slowed down at the mention of 'mommy' but Rafael knew that he wasn't going to sleep. 

Not yet anyway.

~~~

Olivia sighed sadly, looking up into the vast emptiness. It wasn't often she decided she needed this, but when the urge hit, the urge hit hard. She looked up at the night sky, dark blue and black, and she pointed out the few constellations she knew. Then she just stared at the stars.

She liked to do this. To look at the vast emptiness of space and think about all she had lost. She'd lost a lot, and sometimes it felt like that she'd lost so much it could fill up the night sky. She'd lost her mother, Cragaen, Munch, Amaro, Dodd's. He hurt her particularly badly because she still felt guilty at his death. Guilty that she was alive and he wasn't. She'd lost Elliot, someone she was so close to, before he had up and left her without so much as a last word. She'd lost Alex, whom several times she had come near to marrying. 

She'd lost so much. There was so much pain inside of her, and sometimes, she just needed to come here, an empty field outside of the city, and look up at the stars. They amazed her. She knew that hundreds, thousands of them, had burned out hundreds, thousands, or millions of years ago, but they didn't know. They didn't know what they'd lost. 

She took in a shaky breath and ignored the sound of a car going by. She didn't notice his steps, hadn't even noticed that the car going by had stopped at all. She only noticed when she felt Noah being laid on her chest, feeling his tears seep through her shirt and noticing that he'd fallen asleep, almost the second his head rested against her chest. Then she felt Rafael laying down next to her, felt his hand grabbing and squeezing hers.

"Noah wouldn't go to sleep without you." She nodded in understanding, suddenly feeling horrible for leaving her son, making him stay up so late.

"Sorry, sweetie." She whispered, brushing her lips against the boys head, who, even though she couldn't see it, smiled slightly in his sleep.

"What were you thinking about?" Rafael asked after a moment, knowing that Olivia's mind was always working.

"About how many stars have burned out and how we don't even know that we've lost them." Rafael knew what she really meant by that, and pondered over what to say. How to say it. 

"Well... Many new stars must be out there, and we just haven't seen them yet, right?" Olivia smiled and squeezed his hand tighter, and he knew that his words had hit their mark.

Maybe he was right, Olivia thought. She'd lost so much, but when she squeezed Rafi's hand and stocked her sleeping son's hair, she knew she'd found so much as well.


	6. Two Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Requested by 'Mousley':
> 
> Maybe you could do one where Barba's grandmother dies like in December Solstice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T or M, for a character death.

Every Tuesday and Saturday, Olivia prepares a pot of tea at 8:00 at night. Barba didn't often turn to tea, much preferring coffee, but he needed the comfort of tea on those days, for every Tuesday and Saturday, he went to visit his grandmother. He'd always return home with puffy red eyes, showing that he'd cried on the drive home, before telling her about his visit, starting to cry again. His grandmother had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's 10 months ago and was steadily getting worse and worse. 9 months ago, he was forced to put her into a home, because she could not take care of herself.

She was not happy, despised him for weeks for it, but she just lacked the capacity to live alone, and he'd tried to drag out sending her to a home as long as he could, before they were forced to face reality. He found the best home he could, striving to find a place where she could maintain as much independence as she could. She had a small apartment, and she could go and see her friends at the home(which she had quickly made) to knit or to watch some old t.v shows. She'd go out and shop, and she could still cook. A nurse would check up on her twice a day, to make sure she was okay and to make sure she was taking her meds. She could also press a button and a nurse would come and help if needed. She refused to use that button, according to Rafael.

She had told him a month after living there that she liked it. She got the help she need, but she kept her independence. Then she pointed a threatening finger at him and said, 'But t _hat doesn't mean I'm happy I had to leave my old place!'_ Where she had lived for more than 30 years. He'd smiled and said of course.

6 months ago was the first time it happened. He'd come home crying, telling her that she didn't remember him. The next week, she recognized him immediately, but couldn't remember huge chunks about him. Couldn't remember Olivia or her great grandson, Noah. 

One day, about 5 months ago, when he went to visit her, she confused him for his father. She lashed out at him, calling him names and saying that she hated him, hated him for beating little Rafi the other night. She'd been remembering a night almost 30 years ago when he'd told her that his father had been beating him regularly and when his father, that bastard, had visited her, she'd given him a piece of her mind. He'd still beat him, but Rafael had always taken comfort in his grandmother's support and the fact that she too despised her own son, like he despised him. 

Now, he went there and she never remembered him. It had been 4 whole months before she had said his name and smiled, recognizing him. Even then she hadn't known too much about him, just that he was her grandson, and that was about it. Now, he went and told her his name, held her hand, and smiled and listened as she told him how Mary down the hall was stealing things from her room, or how Lola a floor above her was always making noise. Then the next week he would come, hold her hand, and smile as she told him the same stories from her childhood over and over, minutes after she had told it. 

_"And then, after he'd given me the flower, he leaned over and kissed me, right there in front of everybody. Bold that man was." Rafael smiled._

_"He sure was." There was a brief moment of silence, before he saw her face change slightly._

_"Did I ever tell you how I met my husband?" She asked. He wanted to cry, not out of frustration at hearing the story 5 times, but out of sadness, that she really couldn't remember that she'd told him the same story just moment before, and minutes before that._

_"No, why don't you tell it to me?" He said, smiling when she smiled and started to tell him the story again._

Olivia was his rock through it all. The person who listened and who held him when he cried. His grandmother meant so much to him. She was there for him when his father got bad, she was there to tell him it was okay to be bisexual, something he'd been struggling with for years, she was there to push him into being a lawyer. She was there for him, no matter what, and he just wished there was a way that he could help her now, be there for her now as she had for him, but there was nothing he could do, other than visit and smile, listening to the same stories over and over.

Then one day, a Thursday, he came home with the same red puffy eyes, and Olivia immediately set a kettle on.

"Did you visit her today?" She whispered, wrapping her arms around him as he started to cry.

"No. The home called and she fell down the stairs." Olivia pulled him tighter, not needing to hear those two words that wouldn't come out of his lips.

Two words he didn't want to believe.


	7. Ready

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Requested by 'mrschiltoncat':
> 
> So are they married here? If not a wedding would be nice!

Olivia Benson never thought she would get married. Well, maybe when she was younger, and much more optimistic. At some point in her long line of failing relationships, she gave up hope that she would ever truly find someone she wanted to be with forever and get married.

Then she had met Rafael. And she didn't think he was the guy either. At least, not at first. At first, he was all sass and pompousness. He more than likely spent more than her entire year's income on his wardrobe every year, and he was not somebody she thought would be responsible enough. Not for her, and especially not for Noah. But, one day, he kisses her, and she kisses him back. After three years of dating, and three years of him being a great father to Noah, she, yes _she,_ asks him if he would like to get married.

She never thought she would get married, especially after all her past relationships failed to ask her, so she decided to just jump in and ask Rafael herself.

Three years later, she proposes and three years later he says yes.

Olivia Benson was getting married.

It had to be a small ceremony, no doubt. The guest list included Cragen and his wife(after they'd managed to contact him), Munch(also hard to contact), Fin, Amanda with Carisi and little Jessie, Rafael's mother, and that was it. She thought about calling Amaro, but she hadn't talked to him in 2 years, and decided against it. She thought the same of Elliot, whom she hadn't heard from for nearly 6 now. Considering it was going to be so small, they decided to just have a small one outside, at a small park just outside of the city. Hell, they were such a small party that they didn't need to rent the place, just show up for half an hour, and no-one cared. The only thing they spend any real time one was their outfits. She'd bought a rather cheap, pretty yellow sundress, deciding that she didn't want a traditional white wedding dress for this. In fact, someone walking by probably wouldn't think they were even having a wedding.

Then, suddenly, there she was, urging Noah to run forward, showering the few guests with flowers. He had wanted to be the flower boy. She pointed out that it was usually a girl who did that, and that he was supposed to bring the rings, but he said he wanted to spread the flowers, so she didn't complain. She just smiled as she watched him skip down the aisle, if you could even call it that, showering Rafi's mother, Cragen's wife, and Fin, who were sitting on the grass in front of a large tree, in wildflower petals Noah had eagerly picked earlier that day. Rafi's mother smiled, grabbing a rose petal that had fallen into her hair and sniffed it. Then Amanda was next, urging little Jessie along with their rings. Jessie was just learning to walk, so Amanda gripped her hand and walked down the aisle with her, before sitting down at the front, smiling at Jessie, who stood next at the front, dutifully holding the rings. Then it was her turn and she was walking down the so called aisle with Cragen, who had the great pleasure of 'giving her away.' And when she looked up, she could see Rafael smiling at her, Carisi smiling eagerly at her behind him. 

Rafael was smiling brightly, looking thrilled to see her like it was the first time ever, and she smiled shyly back, slowly walking up to him. When they got to him, after the short 5 feet walk that felt like a mile, Cragen gave her a peck on each cheek and said some encouraging words, none of which registered, too busy stepping up to Rafael, her heartbeat reverberating in her ears. It occurred to her for the first time that she was nervous, while she had no reason to be. She knew that he was going to say yes, she knew that she was going to say yes. 

"You're beautiful, cariño." He whispered, taking her hand. She giggled, something she didn't normally do, and gripped his hand tight, all her nervousness melting away.

"Not so bad yourself, handsome." She said, winking. He really did looked amazing, wearing one of his normal suits with the tie Noah had gotten him for father's day just two weeks ago. Nothing had ever looked better on anybody else.

"Should we get this started?" Carisi asked, clapping his hands together and rubbing them eagerly. He was going to marry them, and he was mighty happy to have that honor.

"Yes." She said, without hesitating, for she was truly ready. Olivia knew she was ready, now and always.


	8. Surprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I personally watched the meteor shower on August 11th myself with my family, so I thought this would be nice to write up!

Olivia smiles as she looks over at Rafael, who's tapping his fingers nervously, looking at his computer screen. She chuckles slightly, finishing up the last touches to Noah's Mac and Cheese, as he groans in frustration. Just another day with Rafael.

At least, that's what she thought.

~~~

Rafael ignores Olivia's chuckles from the next room and focuses on trying to find a more informative website. 

_Best time to view them is after the moon sets._

Well, when the hell was that? He looks up, what time the moon sets, and groans when he realizes that it's at midnight. Really late, but luckily he and Olivia have tomorrow off, so they can afford to sleep in tomorrow. And even more lucky is that it's a perfectly clear night. He slips out of the room, calling up Lucy.

"Hey." Lucy says, expecting his call. "Have you figured out when you need me?"

"Yeah. The best time is after midnight, so Noah will be asleep. I can set up the spare bed for you."

"That would be nice."

"Thanks again so much for doing this." 

"No problem. Anything to make Olivia happy." 

"See you soon." Rafael smiles, hanging up the phone.

~~~

"Lucy! Hi!" Olivia says, surprised, at the young women's unexpected knocking on the door at... 11:30!

"Hi. I'm guessing Rafael hasn't..." 

"No!" Rafael says, running in. "Come in Lucy, please come in."

"Rafael...?" Olivia whispers to him after Lucy's out of earshot.

"She's going to be watching Noah tonight."

"Why can't we?"

"Because I have a surprise for you."

"Oh?"

"I think you'll like it."

"This late?"

"Only available time."

"Where are we going?"

"Surprise." Rafael says, his eyes twinkling. 

"Are we going now?"

"Yup."

~~~

"Rafi, we left the city!"

"I know." He said, chuckling slightly as he delivers his next line, "Have you never been outside of the city before?"

"Where are we going!"

"You'll see soon enough." And he wasn't lying. It was only about 5 minutes away now.

~~~

"Rafi, we are in the middle of no-where!" She admonished, looking at an empty field, as Rafael pulled out a blanket from the back of the car. 

"Just where we need to be." Rafael said, happily, smoothing out the blanket and laying down on it, patting the empty space next to him.

"Rafael..."

"Look at the stars, Olivia." She's still confused, but she lays down next to him and looks up at the stars. She doesn't notice anything unusual. "Am I supposed to..."

"Keep looking." He said. "You'll see it in a minute or two." She looks at him spectfully, but lays back down, looking up. She smiles up at the stars, something she really doesn't see often enough because of the bright lights of the city. She mentally points out the constellations she knows, The Big Dipper, The Little Dipper, ... Um. That's really it, but it's nice. Then she sees it. A flash of light across the sky. She shoots up. 

"Did you see that?!" She asked.

"Yup."

"What was it?" She layed back down slowly, hoping to see it again.

"Meteor shower. Strongest on August 11th." She gasps as she sees another one.

"Did you see that one?" She asks again, excited. She can't explain why she's so excited, but she is.

"Yup." He smiles contently at the leiutenant's childish excitement, grasping her hand. She slips the hand away, curling up against his chest and looking up. They sit like that for twenty minutes, him softly stroking her hair, both of them gasping as another one goes by, every minute or two.

"This was a nice suprise." She whispers. He can't help but agree.


	9. Rain and Rafael

Olivia had never liked rain before. It was cold and wet, unpleasant to walk through. And in the city, you walked basically everywhere. It washed out the smell of the sewage and waste. It confined her inside. It made it harder to catch perps. 

Seriously, Olivia could see nothing good in the rain. 

~~~

She's walking out of court, after a loss, and groans in displeasure as she notices that it had started raining. Hard. Big wet drops that splash on your head and runs down your nose. She sighs, knowing that she didn't bring an umbrella, and starts to walk to the percinct. 

"Olivia." Barba called out, running up to her. 

"Hey. Bad luck with the jury." She says, still fuming.

"The jury was an group of idiots. Seriously, three people saw that there was DNA evidence, but still voted 'not guilty'? What is it with these people?" Olivia nods absently, shivering slightly, pulling her coat closer, as if that's going to make a difference in this rain. "Oh, I'm so sorry. Get under here." Barba says, and doesn't wait for her response, shuffling closer and making sure that they are both equally underneath his wide umbrella.

"Barba, you don't..."

"I do." He holds out his crooked elbow to her and she grasps it. They must look so weird walking downtown the street, her holding his elbow. She finds she doesn't care as they laugh underneath the pounding of the rain on the umbrella, trying to forget this case, forget the rain. He drops her off at the precinct.

Maybe, just maybe, today's rain wasn't the worst thing ever.

~~~

She stormed out of the precinct, nearly in tears, not wanting her coworkers to see her crying. She sits down on the steps of a building a few buildings over, tearing falling freely, mixing with the rain. It's a relentless rain, coming down in streams of small, freezing drops. She's cold, and rolls herself up into a little ball, trying to gain warmth, wishing she had though about bringing her umbrella or at least her jacket or sweater.

"Olivia?" She hears a voice call out. 

"Go away." She says, like she's a petulant little child, not wanting anybody to be around her.

"No. You're going to catch pneumonia if you stay out here like that." She recognizes Barba's voice as he walks a little closer and his voice is less disoriented. "Here." He says, slipping off his coat and wrapping it around her shoulders, moving to sit down next to her. His umbrella shields them both from the relentless stream of water.

"What happened?" He asked, rubbing her back.

"I couldn't take it anymore. What he did to her."

"Yeah. There's horrible people out there." He whispers, and they sit, listening to the rain. He talks to her, helps bring her out of her misery and cheers her up with his jokes.

Is it possible that rain wasn't the worst thing?

~~~

She runs out after him.

"Barba!" She calls out, trying to catch up with the surprisingly fast ADA.

"What, Olivia, what?" He spins around, spitting the words out at her, and she slows down.

"I'm sorry. It wasn't right for me to go there." He wants to be mad at her, she crossed a line today, but he looks at her. She'd run out after him, not stopping to find any sort of protection to the cold sleet that Manhatten had to offer. She's got rain sliding down her nose and dampening her hair, but also the odd snowflake in there too. She looks truly sorry. He does it, the thing he's wanted to do for months. He walks up to her, grabs onto her hair, and pulls their mothes together. 

"Barba..." He smiles slightly at her, and she leans back in, catching his lips again.

Rain definetly wasn't the worst thing on earth...

~~~

She looked out the window glumly, listening to the rain and hail berate the window. She'd had big plans for her and Noah on her day off. They were going to go to the park, get some ice cream, maybe visit Rafael. Now, she was confined to her apartment with a hyperactive 4 year old. She hears a knock on the door.

"Olivia?" She hears Rafael's muffled voice come through her door and instinctively smiles, opening the door to a sopping wet Rafael.

"Did you not bring an umbrella?"

"No. I knew you had big plans with Noah, so I thought I'd come and help out at home." She looks at him, shocked at his kindness, and he walks past her, picking Noah up. He giggles.

"Rafi, you're all wet!" Noah says, but he doesn't complain.

"That's so sweet of you!" Olivia finally says, and walks forward to kiss him, Noah inbetween their two bodies. She listens to the rain, the rain that brought him here.

Rain was definetly a good thing sometimes.

~~~

It takes her another 3 months to realize how very wrong she is. It's not rain. She hates rain, but as she runs out of the court, and Barba follows her, talking her down, she realizes that this scene is very familiar. Barba comforting her. There is only one thing missing. The rain.

It's not the rain that she likes, it's Rafael. It will always be him. 


	10. Legal Arguments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More of a legal argument instead of Barson, but I just had to write this. You can interpret their relationship in this one however you would like. Friends, coworkers, partners. Whatever, it all works! Hope you enjoy this cute little argument.

Olivia glares at Rafael and Rafael glares back. They'd gotten into a little fight over a legal course she took that she, and her detectives, thought was necessary to solve this case. However, and unfortunately, he did not agree with this, telling her off for " _not following the rules"_ and " _getting their 'only evidence' thrown out."_

"And you just had to take it?" He says, sighing deeply.

"Yes."

"You could see no other option?" She hears his voice starting to get taut with frustration and his voice gets a little louder with each word.

"No." 

"There were plenty!" He shouts, slamming down the suit that he'd been handed earlier. Apparently the 'victim' of their actions was on Barba's side. "He's suing the department for malpractice!"

"We needed it for evidence!"

"You did not need it. I was half and hour away from getting that warrant and..." Now she's getting fed up too.

"You were not!" She stands up, leaning in and matching their eye levels. Their faces are mere inches apart. She moves her hand around with choice words, sometimes slamming it against his desk. "You were no-where near getting that warrant and we needed to get that evidence. He would've escaped if we didn't." He breathes in deeply and grounds his teeth but she holds her ground. He does too.

"That does not, I repeat, that does not mean you had the right to take this innocent man's property so that you could prove a different mans guilt!"

"He was not giving us permission."

"And does that make what you did right?"

"We did _nothing_ wrong."

"Other than break the law?" She glares at him. "Olivia, you can't go around taking things whenever you feel like it!"

"Well, we got the evidence we needed."

"Which can't be used in court."

"It got us into his apartment."

"Which we also can't use because it was under false pretenses! The taking of evidence without a goddamn warrant! All of that evidence is all thrown out. You now have absolutely _nothing_!" 

"Oh, I'll get something,  _counselor."_ She says, spitting the last word out, before stomping out of his office, fuming. She makes sure to add a little slam to the door as she leaves and he sits down heavily, angry with having to deal with cluster fuck the detectives had caused. 

~~~

"Was it worth it, Olivia?" Barba asks a week later, pouring them both some scotch.

"Well, we got the guy and we convinced the other guy that his property was not harmed. When I told him about the case and how it helped put that man in jail, he understood, and dropped the charges."

"Yeah, but you caused the DA a lot of media embarrassment. People aren't going to forget this one quickly. I also can't imagine finding all of that new evidence was easy." She takes a deep drink from her glass then asks,

"What do you want me to say?"

"That you regret it? Possibly?" She looks at him and resists the urge to roll her eyes. She takes a deep breath as says,

"Fine, if that's what you want to hear. No, kidnapping that peacock was not worth it."

 


	11. Friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Jessica:
> 
> I would love it if you could do a chapter where Olivia has come back to SVU after getting kicked out, and she won't talk to Barba no matter how many times he apologizes. Barba gets mad and they both snap at each other constantly. Then they have a really tough case and Barba has a panic attack after they lose because the victim yells at him and says that it's all his fault. Then Olivia comforts Barba and they mend their broken friendship.
> 
> Takes place after "Manhatten Transfer" and "Unholiest Alliance"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just friends making up in this fic. Jessica, I hope this is what you were looking for! Sorry it took so long, it's been a hectic week and a half!

Olivia was pissed, no question about it. She knows it, her colleagues know it, he'll, even  _he_ knows it. They all know that he fucked up, big time.

Barba watches Olivia quickly flee court, just a few short days after her return to SVU. She's not upset about the verdict, at least, she shouldn't be because they won for once. She doesn't want to see him. He turns around, ready to say some words of graduations, maybe thanks for getting him the amazing evidence. It was an open and shut case in court for once, and that's there doing and he knows it. But when he turns around, he already sees her slipping out of the courtroom, not so much as a 'good work' to him.

He sighs, questioning if he should go after her, but decides against it. He deserved this, he knew that, and it would be good to let her calm down. He'd give her a few more days, and once she was nice and calm, he'd talk to her, and they'd talk like grow ups.

~~~

"Two... I mean one medium..." Barba, who's ordering coffee for himself sighs. Normally he'd be getting two, one for him and one for Olivia, but he knew she didn't want to talk to him. She hadn't want to talk for the last week and a half. He decides he needs more coffee than just a medium. "You know what, large. Black, please." The guy nods at him

"Hard day?" He asks, pouring what smells like liquid heaven into a cup.

"How can you tell?"

"If you start to order two, then order one  _large_ coffee, you can pretty much assume that it's a rough day." Barba looks at the kid, a college boy, probably no older than 19. He'd been working at coffee shops for too long if he could read customers like that. Or maybe he was easy to read. Barba smiles as he's handed the coffee. "$2.30 please." Barba pulls out three one dollar bills, then pours all the change into the tip cup. If he'd had more change, he'd pour that in too. "Hope it works out." The kid calls after him. Barba nods, then can't resist saying one last line,

"Well, the coffee's sure going to help." He says, taking a large sip of the over-hot coffee.

~~~

Barba's just finishing up the coffee, swallowing the last cold neglected sips, when Olivia strides in, slamming a large stack of paperwork down on his desk. Fabulous. "Barba." She says coldly with a nod of her head. He nods back but she's already walking out again.

"Olivia, wait!" He calls out, standing up and knocking her paperwork off his desk in the process. She ignores him and the slam of his door rattles in his ears as he bends over to pick up the surely excessive paperwork.

~~~

"I need a warrant." Olivia says.

"Fine, you've got enough evidence, just give me an hour." She nods at him, she's been doing that a lot recently, and starts to walk away from him, trying to leave him alone outside the percent. "Olivia!" 

"What?" she snaps out, spinning around.

"I'm sorr-" his apology is cut off as she ignores him, walking into the percent and leaving him alone anyway. He sighs, something he's been doing a lot of recently. "I really am," he mutters, knowing it doesn't matter. Apparently, Olivia could hold a grudge. 

~~~

This pattern continues for another week. Her, barely talking to him, and him, desperately trying to apologize. She blows him off every time. Somewhere around day 19, he gets annoyed.

"Barba, I need a warrant."

"Well, you can't have one! You've barely given me anything to work with." He grounds out angrily. She glares at him, not caring that their colleagues were watching them closely, like they were a bad sitcom and nothing else was on. Their heads bouncing back and forth between the two of them as the argument grew.

"I've given you plenty, _counselor_." She says the last word with a sneer and he crosses his arms, flashing the classic defensive pose at her.

"Oh, and what evidence is that, _Lieutenant_?" He sneers her title too, hoping to give her a taste of her own medicine. She narrows her eyes, placing her hands on her hips, and ignoring Carisi's whispered,  _"Are they even fighting about the warrant anymore?"_  Amanda, to whom the comment had been whispered to, nods slightly in agreement, watching the two of them lashing out at each other.

"I've given you a reliable witness, a broken alibi, and a faulty time card, establishing the pattern! You should be able to get this." They fight back and forth, back and forth, and Carisi's question starts to come true. Were they really fighting about the warrant at this point?

~~~

Everyone had thought that Barba and Olivia would be bickering when they were in their 80's, but not like this. They were truly fighting, not just silly little bickering, and people were starting to get worried. The two of them weren't working together and it was making them less efficient. So her loving squad does what any people do when they're worried about someone. They played rock-paper-scissors to see who had to talk to her. 

And that's how Carisi was here, sitting in front of her, actually nervous. He was never nervous, but she's, well, she's the  _Lieutenant,_ and she intimated him. Just a little bit.

Okay, a whole lot.

"What's up, Carisi?" She asks, coming into her office and taking a seat across from him. He swallows almost audibly and says,

"Well, we, erm... _I_  was worried. About you and Barba." She huffs at him, already plastering a look of annoyance on her face, and his confidence grows. "Lieu, I know you think what he did was wrong..."

"Think? He down right doubted my abilities to be professional!" She spits out, angrily, cutting him off.

"Well, yeah, but give the guy a break. That's his job."

"No, that's Ed's job. Last I heard, Barba wasn't in 1PP."

"No, it's his job to be concerned about how cases are going to hold up in court."

"We're friends though, at least I thought we were. He should've given me a little bit of doubt." Carisi stares at Olivia. He's never seen her so mad. Well, that's not saying much since he's only known her for a year and a half, but Carisi gets the feeling that she's honestly hurt, and not just holding a grudge. He sighs, knowing that he's not going to talk Olivia out of her anger.

"Okay, be mad it you want, but work with the man. You've been bickering too much."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I mean that you are not the first co-workers to hate each other, you're just the least co-operative ones I have ever seen, and I have seen a lot." Olivia opened her mouth to say something, what Carisi did not know because he continued before she could say anything else. "We nearly lost a last case because you two were bickering so long that the guy almost got away!" He says, pissed off, standing up. It's weird to be truly angry, he almost never is, but this, this is just making him lose it. "Olivia, I don't care if you guys hate each other, but you have to work together. I got into SVU to help the victims, but you two are just making it impossible! I don't care about me, but they deserve better and..." he voice cracks slightly and he doesn't finish his thought, starting to storm out instead.

"Carisi," She calls out, just as he gets to her door. He turns around and can see on her face that whatever's going to come out of her mouth next is going to be true. "I'll try." She whispers. He nods, his anger dissipating just as quickly as it came.

"Was he accusing you of being biased or was he just upset that you didn't tell him?" Carisi asks. Olivia just looks at him, not giving an answer. "You guys were friends, so maybe he expected you to tell him. Think about it" He said, walking out.

Olivia sat down, processing what had just happened. Was it possible that Barba was... No, no! Carisi doesn't get to do this! He doesn't get to flounce in here and then try to justify what Barba did! No way.

~~~

Olivia wasn't unreasonable. She took Carisi's pleas to heart and she calmed down, being more cooperative with Barba. But there was no more walking together while drinking coffee, there was no more sitting in one of their office doing paperwork and drinking coffee, there was no more confiding in each other when a case got to one of them. Usually over coffee... apparently coffee had a big thing to do with their friendship... Anyway, they still despised each other, but they worked together for the sake of the squad and the victims.

Then one day, about a month and a half after that day, they get a particularly hard case. It wasn't hard to crack, just hard to deal with, evidence wise and especially emotionally. Olivia still feels haunted by that case. One day, a set of 7 year old triplets were walking the block home, when their father kidnapped them. The parents had been divorced and the mother had custody, and when the girls didn't come home, the mother accused her ex-husband. They didn't have any proof, not until the girls bodies showed up, raped, tortured, and murdered. All three of them. 

They were sure it was the husband, but all the evidence they could get was, well, nothing. He cleaned the bodies with bleach and had used condemns, so there was no DNA evidence. There was none in his house, and it sure wasn't recently cleaned, and he had an alibi. The detectives were fairly certain that his friend, who was the alibi, was in on the murders and was lying to protect his ass too, but they had no proof of that.

So it was no wonder that Barba lost the case. He had nothing to go on and they were all way to stubborn to accept a plea. Not of this case, just not on this case... 

But it wasn't Barba's fault, no matter what.

~~~

"Ms. Johnson, please just calm down..." Barba tried, futilely, as the distraught mother was crying in his office, blubbering incoherent words.

"But he's walking the streets! He murdered my angels and he's walking in the fucking streets! He should be rotting in jail." Barba's eyes narrowed at the sudden switch from sorrow to anger, but just grabbed a tissue, handing it to her. She nosily blew her nose.

"I know, it's not fair. We should've been able to nail this bastard but..." 

"You're right, he should be in jail.  _You_ promised to get him into jail, and look where we are now!" Barba blinks. She stands up, throwing the tissue aside, staring him in the eyes, faces mere inches apart. Her tears are dried as she furiously exclaims, "You told me that we shouldn't take a deal, you told me that you'd lock away that bastard for life, and you are the one who fucked up."

"Ms. Johnson, that's..."

"No, I don't care what measly excuse you have for me. It's your fault that my girl's rape and murders will go unpunished. AND, it's your fault he's not in fucking jail!" Barba swallows and she storms out of the room, slamming the door so hard that a picture falls and breaks. A few of his office mates on the floor stick their heads out of their office's to see what's going on. He hears Mr. Johnson growl out, "What?" at them and hear the murmured, "Nothing." From his colleagues as they retreat into their respective offices. 

Barba, left to literally pick up the pieces, slides down to the floor. My fault, my fault, my fault... He starts having trouble breathing, taking giant breathes and virtually nothing coming in. He's under his desk, hugging his knees to his chest, rocking back and forth gently.

My fault, my fault, my fault...

~~~

"Barba?" Olivia calls out, striding into his office what feels like an eternity later, but in reality only 3 minutes have passed. He really doesn't want to deal with Olivia right now.

"Go away!" He says, but it comes out strangled, like he can't get the words out. 

"Are you okay? Where even are you?" She asks, her voice soft. Earlier, when she said his name, it had been full of malice, but now she sounded concerned. She walks around his desk and finds him underneath it, breathing heavily and rocking back and forth, murmuring 'my fault, my fault, my fault...'

"Barba, Rafael, are you okay?" She asks again, knowing the answer, and she drops to her knees in front of him. He shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut, still trying to get ahold of his breathing. Olivia nods slightly, pulling him out from underneath the desk, not an easy task when you're trying to pull a full grown man having a panic attack out from underneath his desk, but she does and pulls him into her arms.

"Rafael, Rafi, I'm here, I'm here." She says, whispering it, but he continues rocking in her arms, still breathing heavily, "Okay, okay, let's calm your breathing down. Breath with me, can you do that?"

"I can't. I can't breathe." She grabs his hand, which is sweaty and clammy, and doesn't hesitate when putting it on her chest.

"Yes you can. Breath with me, okay? In..." She breaths in slowly, for a full 5 seconds, and he struggles to copy her, "Out... Good, in..." She continues this for a few minutes and eventually his breath evens out, matching hers. Soon he stops rocking, breathings normal, and he's stopped muttering 'my fault' over and over.

"Barba, what happened?" Olivia asks, gently.

"Ms. Johnson, she told me that it was my fault and I realized that it was. God, it's my fault, Liv."

"No, it wasn't."

"Olivia, I should have taken the deal when I had a chance."

"Rafael, it's not your fault. We couldn't get you enough evidence and we couldn't plead it down to manslaughter 2. You did as well as you could with the evidence provided."

"I should've gotten him, Liv."

"If I had a dollar for every one of those cases Rafael, I wouldn't be working in SVU, because I'd be living on my private island living the life. You did the best you could with nothing and she's just upset and needs someone to blame." Barba struggles to believe that, but he does feel better.

"Thank you, Olivia. For everything."

"No problem."

"And I never really did get to say sorry for, well, you know..."

"I forgive you. And I'm sorry too, I really overreacted."

"No, no... well..." he pretended like he was thinking about it and she gasped at him, smacking him gently on the arm.

"Hey! I can take the forgiveness back!" She admonishes at him and he smiles, rubbing his arm.

"I know." There's a momentary pause before he says, "I feel like we have some talking to do."

"Yeah, talking would be nice." Olivia agrees

"Coffee?" They both ask at the exact same time. They chuckle and get up, drinking coffee, talking, and walking to the precinct like they always do. When they get there, the squad seeing that they were talking and laughing, coffee in their hands, they all thank the lord. They roll their eyes and they both deliver their normal lines of sass. It was almost like they'd never fought. The squad smiles, glad to have the two of them truly back.

And they were both glad as well.


	12. Comforting Colleagues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Clara:
> 
> I'd love to see Barba have a panic attack in court because he's been really stressed out about the cases SVU has been having him prosecute and he hasn't been getting any sleep and he hasn't been eating much. Then Olivia, Carisi, Fin, Amanda, and Dodds all comfort him after he has to leave the courtroom to calm down.
> 
> Takes place in season 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to clarify the Barson relationship here... I didn't mean to write them as in a relationship, but it sorta happened. They are in like the first month or two, so nothing serious yet, but clearly in one! Hope everyone enjoys!
> 
> Also, should apologize in advance. I do not have a law degree, or any sense of law training, honestly my only experience with law is SVU and one mock trial when I was a freshman in high school, so I'm sorry if my law lingo here is incorrect.

Olivia bit the inside of her cheek in an attempt to wake herself up. Noah was particularly fussy getting ready this morning and she hadn't had time for coffee. Normally she'd pick some up on her way to work on those days, but she had to rush to court. Falling asleep in court was not a great idea, especially when the outcome wasn't clear, so she bit down harder, knowing lunch, and coffee, was only 20 minutes away. She decided to turn to Barba. She was a little worried about him outside of court, he'd been having a few rough nights of sleep, getting even less than usual. And she could see the toll the cases were taking on him, but she smiled as he stood in front of the judge and jury, confident as ever.

"Did you see the defendant, Matthew Carter, walking out of the apartment?" Barba asks, walking in front of the jury, staring at one jurier he knew was leaning toward the other side. Rita Calhoun jumped on this opportunity, standing up and shouting out, 

 _"Objection!_ He's clearly leading the witness." Before the judge can tell Barba off, Barba quickly says,

"I'll rephrase. Did you see anyone leave the apartment on the night of the crime?" He asked, moving away from the jury and turning to face the witness. 

"Yes."

"Is that man in the courtroom today?"

"Yes."

"Can you please point at him?" The witness, Emily, nodded, pointing at the defendant. 

"Him."

"Pleas let the record show that she is pointing at the defendant, Matthew Carter." The stenographer nodded, typing quickly. "Had you seen anyone else leave the building that night?"

"Yes." Olivia sat up a little straighter, eyeing Barba, who was keeping his face neutral. This had not been in her testimony before, but Barba keeps his cool.

"When was that?"

"I saw one person leave an hour earlier."

"What time had you seen the defeandant leave the apartment?"

"Objection, asked and answered!" Rita called out. The judge shot Barba a look.

"Your honor, may I ask her again, I need it to make a point." The judge, Brobransky, glared at him, but nodded.

"You're on thin ice here, Barba, but continue." 

"Thank you, your honor." Barba turned to Emily, "I'll ask again, what time did you see the defendant leave the apartment?"

"10:30."

"And you said you saw the other person an hour earlier?"

"Yes, at 9:30."

"May I remind the jury that the coroner ruled Sarah Wilkins death between 10:00 and 10:10, so this person could not have killed her." The jury nodded.

"I also saw someone else, at 10:35." Barba looked over at her sharply, startled, and Olivia sat up even straighter, no longer tired. Barba nodded, but she could see he looked a little distressed at this.

"Okay, um..." Olivia blinked. Did Barba just say, 'okay, um...' He'd never say that in court. "Um, who was this second person... this..." Olivia stood up slightly, to get an even better view of him across the courtroom. The people next to her grumbled in response, but she ignored them. He looked a little shaky, a little off. He composed himself best he could and turned to face the judge. "Your honor, may we take a 5 break?" Olivia watched Barba. Anyone who didn't know him well wouldn't realize anything was wrong. She sat back down to see how this would play out.

"No, continue with the questioning." Barba crumbled and Olivia's eyes widened as she could see him swaying on his feet, leaning against his desk for support.

"Please your honor." The judge shook his head and Barba sat down. Not in his seat, not on his desk, on the carpet in front of the jury. He pulled his legs up to his chest, wrapped his arms around them, and started rocking back and forth ever so slightly. 

"What are you doing Mr. Barba? Get up." Olivia suddenly hated Brobransky with a fierce hatred, for not helping Barba. She stood up again and moved through the crowd of confused people. Once she'd gotten out of the row and into the aisle, she ran up to Barba and took him into her arms.

"Please your honor, he needs a 5 minute break."

"Who are you." It's not a question, it's a demand of knowledge.

"Lieutenant Olivia Benson, your Honor, and he's having a panic attack. Please." The judge, who looked at Barba like this was all his fault, grumbled and pounded his gavel, with set Barba off some more, shaking in her arms.

"We break for lunch." People started walking up to her and Barba.

"Can I help?" "Is there anything I can do?" "Should I call someone?" Was offered by the concerned people.

"Please clear the courtroom." Is all Olivia can say, before she shifts slightly, turning so that Barba faced her. Everyone sends her a dubious glance, but they start to clear the courtroom. Once everyone's out, she takes inventory of Barba's physical symptoms. Uneven breathing, fast heart rate, and sweating. "Barba, Rafael," She could feel herself slip from professional addressing to personal ones, but she didn't care. "Listen to me, I'm here, okay, I'm here." Barba doesn't respond, rocking back and forth in her arms. "Okay, okay, Rafi, I need you to control your breathing, can you do that for me?"

"It's so hot in here, Liv." Olivia nods and pushes his suit jacket off along with rolling up his sleeves. 

"Better?" He nods, but his breathing's still uneven. "Okay, we need to get your breathing under control. Can you do that?"

"It feels like I'm chocking." He continues taking his deep, uneven breaths, "Can't breathe, Liv."

"Okay, okay." She takes his sweaty, clammy hand and places it on her chest, right where her heart is. "Breathe with me." She breathes in, taking a big, 5 second breath, then holding it before breathing out for another 5 seconds. He doesn't copy her, not the first time. The second time he breathes in for exactly 1 second before letting back out. It takes a while, a couple of minutes, but eventually his breathing evens out. When she places a hand on his chest, she discovers that his heart rate has slowed down as well. He slowly comes out of the panic attack, instead just resting in her arms.

"Rafael, what happened?" She asked.

"I don't know, I don't know." He mumbles. She nods, knowing that sometimes panic attacks could come out of nowhere and he'd been under a lot of stress recently, making him more likely to have one.

"Hey Lieu, how's Barba?" Carisi asks as he and the rest of the squad enters the empty courtroom.

"Right here and able to answer." Barba says, wriggling out of Olivia's grasp, knowing that they didn't know about their relationship yet. 

"Oh, sorry. How are you?" 

"Better." Olivia watches, while struggling to get up, god she was getting old, as Barba's face fell. "The judge, Brobransky, and the jury. God, I'm never going to win this case now. It's hopeless." Barba starting sinking to the floor and Olivia was so scared he was about to go into another panic attack. She grabbed him and pulled him back up, wrapping him in a hug and rubbing his back in small circles.

"Rafi, it's going to be just fine." The squad watches them with raised eyebrows, but they don't say anything.

"Come on, let's get some coffee. It'll calm you down." Rollins says after the hug ends. Barba nods, and for the first time in a long while, he actually feels okay.

~~~

"You know, you can always explain to the judge what happened." Dodd's said, throwing away his, sadly empty, styrofoam cup. Barba takes another big drink from his large coffee.

"And say what? That I had a panic attack in the middle of court?"

"Yeah." 

"I can't do that, it's not professional." 

"Barba," Olivia starts, finally switching from nicknames and first names, back to the coworker last name status, "You can't control a panic attack. Explain that to him."

"What caused the attack anyway?" Rollins asks, not unfamiliar to them herself. 

"I don't know."

"Have you been sleeping enough?" Rollins asks, watching Barba take another drink from his coffee.

"Admittedly, no, but I never do."

"Have you been stressed?"

"Like always."

"More so than usual? These were a rough few cases."

"Yeah, I guess I've been more stressed."  _No kidding,_ Olivia thought, but she kept that to herself.

"Have you been eating enough? Low blood sugar can cause panic attacks."

"No, I haven't."

"So you need to take better care of yourself. Maybe it's time to take a vacation." Rollins suggest. Barba doesn't respond, playing with his own styrofoam cup. "It'll help, Barba, trust me."

"Yeah, I took one two years ago for my own stress." Carisi adds in, seeing Barba's hesitance.

"Me too, 6 years ago." Rollins piped in.

"I've considered it more than once." Dodd's said.

"I've taken a few myself." Fin, who's been surprisingly quiet throughout the whole conversation says. Olivia's eyebrows silently raised, as she had not known this, then remembered back to the multiple vacations he'd suddendly taken, only to be seen in the city. "And so did my old partner, Munch."

"I've also taken multiple." Olivia says. "It's nothing to be ashamed of. You just need to take better care of yourself."

"Thanks you all, I guess I will." Barba says, feeling better and comforted by his colleagues kind words, thinking that it was actually okay to let himself take care of himself. "But for now, I have to go back and win this case!" Barba said, standing up with renewed confidence. When the jury comes back, after another week of court and two days of deliberation, they come back with a 'not guilty' verdict.

Barba takes a long vacation.


	13. Chloe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jewel recently asked for more Noah-Barba interaction, so I was determined to write more, especially after I re-read some of these chapters and realized Noah's really left out! Noah's a big part of Liv's life, so I need to get on this! Next few chapters is really going to be fluffy Barson family, Noah included! So basically, fluff alert for the next few chapters! Enjoy!

"So, Mijo, which one do you like?" Barba asked, lightly placing his hand on his 4 year old son's back. Noah looks up and smiles at him, showing off his crooked teeth. Barba didn't want to think about the fact that he'd probably need braces later. Noah smiled and pointed.

"Her." Barba looked over and smiled at his choice. It was a small calico kitten with the most stunning green eyes that stared at them curiously. Noah stuck his little hand up to the bars.

"Be careful, Mijo. Remember to treat them with respect." Noah nodded and held his hand still while the kitten sniffed his hand. Once deciding Noah was safe, she licked his open palm, causing Noah to giggle.

"Her tongue's rough." He said, giggling more and she continued to like him. Barba smiled down at his son and brought his own hand to the bars, scratching her behind the ears. She purred, staring at him.

"She is nice, isn't she?" Noah nodded. A women, someone who worked at the shelter, came up to them.

"You want to play with her?" She asked. "We can give you a room and some toys for a little while." Noah's eyes lit up and Barba knew that this is what they were going to do.

"Yes, please." The woman nodded and opened the small cage door.

"You want to hold her for me?" She asked Noah. Noah, suddenly very shy around the women, nodded. "Just be careful, hold her like this." The woman picked up the kitten, who looked grumpy at her, showing him how. Noah nodded again and reached his hands out and she carefully put the kitten in his hands. The kitten cheered up considerably and snuggled close in Noah's arms, Noah holding her firmly, but gently.

~~~

"It's time to go, Mijo." Barba said, watching Noah jiggle a toy infront of the eager cat, jumping up to grab at the feathers.

"Papi, 5 more minutes!" He said, whining, wanting to play with the cat more.

"We have to go home, remember? Mom doesn't know that we're getting a kitten, remember? It's a surprise!" Barba knew getting a cat without her permission was a huge risk, but Olivia had mentioned several times that she always wanted one, and Noah wanted one too. "We're going to take her home and you can play with her there."

"We can take her home?" Noah asked, eyes widened.

"Yes, we're going to adopt her. That's why we bought all those toys, litter box, cat bed, and food!" Barba said, patiently. Noah smiled widely and abandoned the toy, picking up the kitten.

"Have you guys decided?" The woman, who mysteriously appeared, asked kindly. 

"Yes!" Noah said, excitedly, forgetting his shyness. The woman laughed and pulled out a set of papers they had to sign.

~~~

"So, have you thought of a name for her?" Barba asks, looking at his son through the rear-view mirror. Noah squinted, like he was thinking very hard.

"Chloe." Noah responds, looking over his shoulder to see his kitten in her carrying-cage. 

"That's a faboulos name, Mijo." 

~~~

"When's mommy going to be home?" Noah asked, fidgeting on the couch as Chloe explored the house.

"Not for a little while. You want to watch a movie?" Noah nodded and Barba set up  _Finding Nemo,_ Noah's, and admittedly his, favorite kid movie. About 5 minutes in Chloe jumps up onto the couch, yawns, and moves to sit on Noah's lap. Noah giggles and starts petting Chloe, who promptly falls asleep. Noah's not far behind, falling asleep just when Nemo's taken by the scuba diver. 

~~~

Noah's awakened, about a half hour later, when Olivia shuts the door. Chloe is woken as well, jumping off Noah's lap.

"Rafi!" She called out, confused, as Chloe investegated her feet, batting at her shoelaces.

"Liv?" Barba came out of the kitchen drying one of his hands with a dish towel. He grinned sheepishly when he noticed her inquisitive glace at the kitten who was gnawing at her shoelace. "I see you've met Chloe." He responded, sitting down next to Noah.

"I sure have." She said, moving to pick her up.

"Can we keep her?" Noah asked, scared of her response. Olivia laughed, whether it was from the question or Chloe nibbling on her finger, Barba was not sure. He sucked in a breath and waited for what felt like an eternity for Olivia's response. She smiled, scratching Chloe's ears, and moving to sit down next to the two of them, placing Chloe on Noah's lap and squeezing Barba's hand.

"Of course, sweetie."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Picture of what I'd imagine Chloe would look like: 
> 
> https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/50/bd/0d/50bd0d2bca60c286aefaa54112efbd76.jpg
> 
> Also, I like cats, and I feel like all three of them would as well, so it's possible she, Chloe, might make appearances in my future fics! Just remember her name! ;)


	14. Amazing Father

"He sounds really nice." The woman said, smiling at her and Barba. Olivia smiled back, hugging Barba closer. They were at some charity event for police officers and the NYPD, and Patty, the ADA for Brooklen SVU had heard about them taking Noah in as a foster child.

"Yeah, he's just a little angel." Olivia said, smiling as she moved to pull a photo out. She didn't mention how worried she was about the fact that they knew little about his history.

"Is he sleeping through the night yet?" Barba opened his mouth to respond, but Olivia cut him off.

"Yeah, haven't had any problems." Olivia missed Barba's snicker as she was showing the photo off to the woman.

~~~

"Barba, you look tired. Baby Noah keeping you up all night?" Carisi asked, looking at Barba as he walked in, dark bags under his eyes even darker than usual and his cup of coffee larger than normal.

"Noah doesn't wake in the night." Olivia said absently, moving to put the file away. Carisi shoots Barba a look, something like; Is that true? Barba shakes his head slightly, then looks pointedly at Olivia to convey, she doesn't know.

Carisi nodded in understanding.

~~~

"So, how's little Noah doing today?" The doctor asked, wiggling the boy in question's foot. Noah gurgled happily at him.

"Pretty good, despite everything." The doctor nodded and moved on to do his normal examinations, before asking them some questions.

"Is he showing signs of crawling?"

"A few, but not yet. He can propel himself backwards using the couch." Barba responded, Olivia nodding next to him, holding Noah in his lap.

"Is he sleeping through the night."

"Yes." Olivia said.

"Okay, that's good, is he..."

A little later, Barba tells Olivia to go ahead, he just wants to ask one question. Olivia nods and heads out.

"What do you want to know?" The doctor asked.

"I wanted you to know that Noah's not sleeping through the night."

"But your wife..."

"She's not my wife, not yet anyway."

"Okay, but Olivia said he is."

"I know. She doesn't wake up to Noah's cries easily. By the time she wakes up, if she does, I'm already calming him down and she slips back into sleep."

"Huh. Is she under sensitive or are you oversensative to his cries?"

"I think it's both."

"Okay, well it's not great that he's not sleeping through the night yet, but with his history, it's not surprising. He should sleep through in a few more months, call us if he's still not sleeping through in March," five months from now, "Until then, don't worry, it's normal." Barba nods.

~~~

Olivia has gotten used to a certain routine; wake up at 6am, Rafael sleeping heavily next to her, ready to prepare for work and prepare Noah for daycare. Exept, that doesn't happen. She wakes up that morning to an empty bed. That's unusual, as Rafael's been sleeping later since they got Noah. She shrugs, figuring he got up early for court, and pushes the covers off herself, walking into the nursery, where she stops in her tracks at the sight in front of her.

She can't help opening her phone and taking a photo. Rafael's asleep, snoring softly, sitting in the rocking chair with Noah, who's also asleep, swaddled up in his lap. She moves to take Noah away, and quickly changes him. Rafael hasn't stirred and Noah's being quiet, so she tiptoes out, letting him sleep. She considers waking him up, but he obviously needs his sleep.

While she feeds Noah, she can't help but wonder why Rafael was in there in the first place. She's cleaning Noah up, fully fed and still hasn't cried, when she hears it.

"Noah!?" NOAH!!!???" Barba screamed in horror. She walked to the nursery, she'd run but Noah was in her arms, and found Rafael frantically moving the blankets in Noah's crib.

"Rafael." She said calmly and he turned around. He sighed heavily with relief and ran to her, picking Noah up and showering him with kisses of relief. Noah squirmed, but he continued kissing him and hugging him close. "Why were you sleeping here?" Olivia asks after Rafael's calmed down a bit.

"I... I fell asleep in here?"

"Yeah, rather cute actually." She said, turning on her phone and showing him her new home screen photo.

"I guess I was so tired."

"But why were you here in the first place?"

"Noah woke up."

"He sleeps through the night." Olivia said slowly, all the times Rafael had looked tired, all the incidences rushing back to her. The little clues she should've picked up on. "Is he not sleeping through the night?"

"No, he's not."

"How come I don't know?"

"You don't really wake up to his cries."

"How do I not wake up to his cries? No offense, but I'm a woman, my ear is supposed to pick up high frequency sounds like a baby crying."

"Some women don't, it's okay." Olivia stood there, shocked and upset, "Liv, it's really okay. You did stir a few times, but I wake up quickly to a baby crying. I guess I'm over sensitive. Anyway, I'm sure if I wasn't here, you'd wake up in a half a minute like most women." Olivia stood there, still absorbing this information about her son and boyfriend she didn't know.

"You've been waking up every night to him?"

"Yup."

"And you've been putting him back to sleep?"

"Yeah." She looked at him and smiled. She looked over and Noah and murmered to him, even though she knew he wouldn't understand,

"You are so lucky to have an amazing father." Noah probably didn't understand her, but he smiled in Rafael's arms anyway.

 


	15. Disclosure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Emma:
> 
> I feel like all of olivias relationships start out as a secret until they are forced to be revealed. How bout when barba and olivia enter into a relationship they (at barba insistence) disclose immediately. And I wouldn't mind when they tell carisi, fin, amanda, etc. It turns out there was a betting pool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone who doesn't remember: David Haden was a temp ADA that Olivia got involved with. When it looked like things were getting serious, David Haden got a promotion and they broke it off with an agree'd "us, this, never happened."
> 
> Of course, Olivia dating Alex, Casey, and Barba's all in my head. Dating's would be at the time of each respected lawyer.

"Ten bucks says 4 months." Fin says, placing down the ten bucks.

"4 months?" Carisi asks, incredulously, staring at Fin. He places down a single bill, saying, "Twenty says they'll be together before the end of May." It was April 9th now. Rollins snorts, pulls out a different bill, and announces with no hesitance in her voice,

"50 says they're already together." 

"No way!" Fin and Carisi say at the same time. Carisi and Fin both place more money on the table to even out their bids. Amanda smiles and moves to put into their "betting box" with contains all the money and descriptions of all their bets over the years. Some have been resolved, some not.

"Be prepared to lose," Amanda says, making sure the date is clear on the card, "I can't believe you can't see it after that fight they had a week ago."

~~~

_One Week Ago:_

"Barba," Olivia says in a warning tone, 5 minutes into their argument. The squad's heads bounce back and forth, watching the two of them in another one of what the squad called  _Tennis Fights_ because their arguments seemed to go back and forth. Along with the fact that their heads always seemed to turn to whoever was talking. 

"Benson." Barba mocks back at her, "I can't get you a warrant on completely circumstantial evidence!" Olivia sighed.

"You heard the man! Find some non circumstantial evidence." Olivia states to the three of them, ruder than she normally is, but she's worked up. They nod and get their things, but as neither Barba nor Benson moves, they know that they'll keep fighting after they leave. They hear Olivia say, "As if it's that easy," as they shut her office door.

"Well, that was quite a fight, huh," Carisi says, slipping on his suit jacket.

"Yeah, but that's nothing. You should have seen the one's she could have with Alex or Casey." Fin says reminiscently.

~~~

_One Week Ago Five minutes after the Squad has left:_

"Olivia, why can't you except it? I can't get you a warrant! These ten minutes of fighting hasn't changed that."

"I just don't understand. I gave you a witness, I gave a location, I gave you a..." Olivia trails off, realizing that Barba isn't really listening anymore. Any anger and resentment he had has dissipated and instead he's just standing in front of her, their faces mere inches away, with a calculating look on his face "Barba, what are you..." Olivia doesn't get to finish the question, because Barba's finished calculating. He was trying to decide how bad of an idea kissing her right now would be and he deemed not enough. He expects her to push him away, to tell him to get her the warrant, and to kick him out of her office; he doesn't expect her to easily relax and kiss him back.

~~~

_One Week After the bet is made:_

Barba doesn't think he's ever been this content before. Sure, he's a little sweaty and sticky, he's a little out of breath, but Olivia's in the same state. Olivia Benson is next to him in bed; yeah, he's never been more content. He smiles and runs his hand through her sweaty and tangled hair and she draws little circles on the area of his chest next to her head. Everything's perfect.

Of course, that's when he has to go and ruin the moment.

"So, do you think we should disclose the relationship?" Olivia shoots him a look that conveys,  _I just gave you one of the best orgasms of your life and this is what you want to talk about?_  Then she repeats that thought out loud to him, in case it wasn't perfectly clear. "Well, it's important." Olivia groans and her hand comes to a rest, splaying out, palm flat across his chest.

"Fine, I don't think we should." Olivia responds.

"Why not? You don't think there's something here?" 

"Oh, I totally think there's something here, that's why I don't want to disclose." 

"What do you mean?" Olivia sighed.

"Every other time IAB found out, it never ended well."

"What other times?"

"When they found out about me and Alex, we almost lost a case because they thought that we were corrupt. When I was dating Casey, they almost transferred one of us, and when I dated David Haden..." Olivia sucked in a sharp breath, "Well, that never happened."

"What do you mean? David Haden? He doesn't work for the NYPD."

"Not anymore. We broke up because he was going to get a big promotion and if they found out we had been dating, they wouldn't haven given it to him. As I said now and we said then, this never happened."

"I'm sorry, Liv." He said, stroking her hair and seeing that she was a little upset over the David Haden thing.

"That's why I don't want to disclose." Olivia mumbled. There's another moment of silence and Barba almost kicks himself when he disturbs the peace, again, by asking,

"Did you ever disclose the relationships?" Olivia glared at him.

"No."

"That's the difference, Olivia. When you disclose the relationship, they judge if it affects your ability to do your job. If they find out a month or half a year or a year or even years later, yeah, bad things happen."

"Have you ever disclosed a relationship before?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah, I was dating someone when I worked for Brooklyn."

"And it was totally okay?"

"Yeah, we dated for a year before she broke it off. Olivia, we need to tell them." He sighs, "I was transferred to SVU because I didn't tell them about a different relationship."

"Really? I always thought you were transferred because we needed someone."

"That too." There's another moment of silence and Barba doesn't ruin it this time.

"Fine." Olivia says, "Let's disclose." Olivia grinned evilly and swung a leg over him, straddling him. "And, since you wanted to do all that talking, I'm not tired anymore." She said, rubbing her hips against his and dragging her nails down his chest. He groans.

"That's playing dirty, Benson." He says before flipping them over.

~~~

_Three Weeks Later_

"So they cleared us," Barba said, "Isn't that much better?" He asked smugly and Olivia shook her head, grumbling at him.

"Come on, let's go tell the squad."

~~~

_5 minutes later_

"You guys are actually dating?" Carisi asks, smug, for a reason neither of them understands.

"Yup, IAB approved and everything." Olivia said, hugging Barba close. Fin looked dumbfounded.

"You, Olivia Benson, actually told IAB about a relationship you were having?"

"Why's that so surprising?" Amanda asks.

"Well, there was the Alex fiasco, the Casey fiasco..." 

"Yes, I told IAB!" Olivia cut him off.

"Congratulations." Carisi said, smiling. "When'd you guys get together?"

"4 weeks ago..." Olivia hesitates and asks Barba, "Today?" 

"Yeah, 4 weeks ago." Amanda grinned ear to ear.

"Get the box!" She said and the guys grumbled. Olivia sighed, pinching her nose, knowing what they meant.

"What's the box?" Barba whispered to her.

"You don't want to know."

 


	16. Mary Poppins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I saw the prompt: "Holy Crap! I'm friends with Mary Poppins" and just had to write this. Did change the prompt just by two words though. Also, just so that the line makes sense, if you've never been to a formal music concert or opera or anything along those lines, they often flash the lights on and off when the intermission's going to come to an end and you should start to head to you're seat.

"Liv..." Barba practically whined, "We're going to miss the next act if you don't hurry up! What are you looking for anyway?"

"My phone... I wanted to call Lucy, make sure everything's okay with Noah." Olivia said, rummaging around in her handbag. It wasn't big in any sense of the word, but by the sound of it, there was a lot of stuff in it. Olivia practically stuck her head in the bag looking for it and Barba would've laughed if he wasn't so anxious to get back into the theater. Suddenly Olivia "emerges" from the bag and hands him a something. "Hold this will you?" She asked, rummaging around some more. He opened the small circular disc he was handed and found a mirror.

"I didn't know you carried a mirror around with you." Barba says, closing it after seeing how big his nose looked in the mirror. 

"Yeah, well..." Olivia says, trailing off. She hands him a small tape measure and he gets confused, turning it over and over in his hands.

"Why do you carry a tape measure?"

"Measured Noah yesterday, 3ft by the way." Olivia says, handing him the next item. It was a little bag that seemed to have no function, especially since it was an empty bag in a bag.

"What's this for?" Olivia looks up and over, then ponders for a minute.

"Oh, it holds a fold up hat I bought Noah the other day."

"Liv, we have to go." Barba said as the lights flashed on and off, but she continued to hand him stuff. The next item was a small potted plant. It was the size of your palm.

"Okay, there is _no_ explination for why you have this in your handbag." He said, turning the item over and over in his over stuffed hands. He thinks he's about to drop something, she's handed him so much stuff.

"Sure there is, that's for Lucy, for all the amazing things she's done for us. It's been 2 years since I hired her you know. I got her more, but I saw this today and it was just too cute. Just a few more things, okay?" Barba is about to say there's no more room when she hands him a small flashlight. That at least he gets, being a police officer in NYPD. The next few items she hands him are pretty normal, some makeup, some pamphlets from work, some drawings from Noah. Then she hands him a bottle of some kind of medicine, aspirin probably, and a few packets of sugar. He looks at her with wide eyes, considers everything she's handed him, and says,

"Holy crap. I'm in love with Mary Poppins!" In a completely serious voice. Olivia looks over at him, shooting him an unamused glare.

"Shut up. I emptied out my bag, my phone's not here!" She says, and just then they can hear singing from the hall.

"Olivia, the next act started." He says sadly. "Might as well go home and see Noah in person." She nods at him, looking apologetic, and starts piling the stuff back into her bag.

"Mary Poppins?" She asks.

"The mirror, the flashlight, the hat holder, the measure tape, the potted plant, the medicine, the sugar? How do you _not_ see it?"

"I need all that stuff." She says, shrugging. 

"Why do you have sugar packets anyway?" 

"For the next time we get coffee and you forget to get your sugar." Barba sighs.

"Let's just go home, Mary." Olivia shoots him another glare and he chuckles.

"Fine, let me just get my umbrella." Olivia says, walking to the coat check.

Barba watches her in awe. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to include everything that Mary Poppins actually did have in her handbag: The mirror, the flashlight is the lamp, the potted plant, the medicine, the sugar, the tape measure, and the hatbag - you know, when you buy a hat in it comes folded up in a bag that you theoretically put the hat back in but you never can? - was the hat rack. I had to do some research for this piece actually since it's been about 10 years since I read the book(never saw the movie).


	17. Officer Noah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just thought I'd give you some cute Barson fluff for Halloween.

Barba looked down at his son and smiled, squeezing his hand tighter. He kneeled to the ground to look him eye to eye. He was admittedly nervous, even though Noah was only going to be going around the building and Olivia was going to be with him the whole time.

"Okay, Mijo, you remember what you're going to say?" Barba asks, adjusting part of Noah's costume. Noah's eyes light up.

"Twick o tweet!" Noah grins, showing off his crooked teeth with one missing in the front. Barba chuckles. Noah still couldn't pronounce his 'r's yet.

"And what do you say after they've given you the candy?" 

"Thank you!" Noah says proudly.

"And what are you if any one asks?"

"Officer Noah!" Barba grins and holds back tears, pulling his son close for a hug. It's his first Halloween with Noah. His first real anything as Noah's father, but the boy accepted him and he was amazed everyday be that.

"Okay, good job, Mijo. Remember to hold mommy's hand the whole time and follow what she says."

"I will Papi!" Noah said. Barba smiled and stood up.

"Ready to go, Noah?" Olivia says, coming out in her real Lieutant's uniform.

"Isn't that abuse of the uniform or something?" Barba asks, looking her up and down and trying to keep a blush down at how amazing she looked.

"Eh, I'm sure it is, but whatever. Whose's going to find out?"

"Mommy!" Noah said, pulling on Olivia's pant leg impatiently, holding his pillowcase.

"Okay, okay. Hold my hand Noah." Noah spreads his cheeks broadly and grabs Olivia's hand.

"You sure you don't want to come?" Olivia asks Barba. 

"Mommy!" Noah says, impatiently pulling Olivia to the door. Olivia and Barba laugh at the impatient little boy.

"No, that's okay. You two have fun and I'll hand out the candy." Olivia smiled, shooting Barba a fleeting look as Noah pulled her out of the apartment.

Barba smiled after them and closed the door. He heard a knock on the door not to long after and opened it to a set of twins. He gave them both a generous amount of candy. He waited for when the knock of from Noah and Olivia would come, waiting to be let into the apartment and then he'd help Noah count his candy.

He heard another knock and went to open the door...


	18. Babysitting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Jessica:
> 
> I would really love it if you could do a chapter where Barba and Olivia are dating but he has yet to be completely alone with Noah and he wants to show Olivia that he's ready to be a father to hims so he offers to babysit Noah while Olivia goes out and at first he panics because he thinks Noah hates him but then he calms down when he realizes that Noah actually likes him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I have a lot of notes and please read them all:
> 
> First off: Noah is about 10 and half months out. Olivia became his foster mother when he was 5 months(I do realize this might be off, but I wasn't sure what age Noah was) and she and Barba started dating around 7 months. They said "I love you" to each other at 2 months and Barba regularly sleeps over at Liv's place, but they are not living together. Barba has yet to become a father to Noah, but that's going to change!
> 
> Second: I never had younger siblings, babysat, and I don't have any kids(not yet; I do want some one day) So I'm not to educated about children. My information is coming mostly from things I've heard and Google, but that's okay because Barba's pretty much in the same boat.
> 
> Third: Fluff alert big time! Like, cotton candy made out of candy corn alert.

"Lucy?" Olivia asks into the phone, Barba only half listening, half asleep next to her. "You sound terrible, honey." 

"Yeah... I'm..." Is all Barba can hear from Lucy's end through the crackle and descides to just go back to sleep. He drifts off again only faintly aware of what Olivia is saying. He's just about to fall asleep again when Olivia says this.

"... No, no, I understand. I'll get someone else to do it. Hope you feel better." There was the sound of the phone dial, a button being pushed, and then he was whapped in the side with a pillow. "Do you think you could take care of Noah today?"

Barba's certainly awake now. He shoots up, looking Olivia in the eyes.

"You mean me? Alone? All day?"

"Yes, you, yes, all day. Lucy's sick and I got called in for a case." Looking at Barba's distress, she suggests, "I could call someone else. Munch might be free..." Olivia trails off, and looks to Barba with hopeful eyes.

"No, no, that's okay, I'll take care of him." Olivia smiles.

"Thank you so much!" She kisses him, then looks at the clock. "Noah doesn't normally get up until 6:30, so you can get another 2 hours of sleep." Barba nods at her, not sure if he can fall asleep again, worried sick. Olivia gets ready, taking what must be the worlds quickest shower and then pulling on clothes. She gives him another light peck on the lips. "I believe in you." She whispers.

"Glad to hear one of us does."

~~~

Somehow, he does fall back asleep, only to be woken to Noah's cries at 6:30... Just like Olivia said. He turns to wake Olivia, then it all comes rushing back to him. He sits up and can feel himself panic slightly, but Noah's cries bring him back to earth and he pulls on his robe.

"It's okay, Noah." He bounces Noah on his hip and Noah's tears quickly go away, instead he smiles up at him, gurgling happily. "What to do first?" Barba mumbles to himself. He looks around the room for some kind of hint. He hopes for there to be a note somewhere from Olivia, but there's none in sight. Noah starts to cry again and Barba looks down in panic; he has absolutely no idea what to do.

"What do you want??" He asks. Then he remembers, Noah's not even 1. He moves to the changing table. "Okay, Noah. I've never done this before, so be patient." Noah looks up at him, but of course he doesn't say anything. Barba moves to look at the instructions on the diaper box and wonders vaguely how he got to mid-forties without ever changing diapers. 

"Okay, here we go." He says.

~~~

Luckily, it's over quickly and nothing goes terribly wrong. He walks out and Noah fusses in his arms. Breakfast. What do babies his age eat. Luckily, Olivia helps him on this one.

_Hey honey, hope everything's been going well. Remember to change his diaper regularly._

Check, Barba thinks.

_I've set up Noah's meals. He's been moving away from the formula, but he'll still have some. I've also put aside his solid food. He can be a picky eater, be patient and thanks again! I believe in you._

Barba opens the fridge and finds said meals neatly placed with, "Breakfast" "Lunch" and "Dinner" It then hits Barba that this isn't an hour thing; he's really going to be doing this all day. He places Noah in high chair and places some of the solid food in front of him while inspecting the instructions on how to heat the formula.

"Come on, Noah." He says, trying to get the spoonful into Noah's unwilling mouth. "Please?" Noah shakes his head and starts to tear up. He babbles an incoherent thought. "Oh, do you want your bottle?" He asks, going to where he'd left it on the counter and where Noah at been looking. He offers Noah that, but Noah doesn't accept it, crying more.

"What's wrong? Noah, want do you want?" Barba asks, like he could answer. Much to his surprise, Noah does.

"Mama." He says, half a question, half a demand. Barba's eyes widen, looking at Noah. He'd never heard a full word come out of the 10-month old, only hearing incoherent babbling.

"You miss mommy?" He asks, picking Noah up and out of the high chair. He feels a little silly for calling Olivia, "mommy" but that's what being a parent is. He rocks Noah for what feels like forever and he swears that Noah hates him, as he continues crying. Well, probably not hate him, but still...

"Noah, Noah, mommy still loves you very very much. She's just working." Noah still cries and fusses. 

"Lu, Lu!" He babbles out and Barba's eyebrows raise. Apparently, Noah's in a talking mood.

"Lucy's sick. Just me, it'll be alright." Another few minutes of Noah's crying and he decides he needs help, so he conults the best advice he has available... Google! He types in, "How to get a baby to stop crying" and the following list comes up:

_1\. Swaddling. wrap your baby in a blanket so he feels secure._

_2\. Side or Stomach position. Hold your baby so he's laying on his side or stomach_

_3\. Shushing. Create "white noise" that drowns out other noises: run the vacuum cleaner, hair drier, fan or clothes drier_

_4\. Swinging_

_5\. Sucking_

Barba looks at number 4 and 5 for a while, not quite sure of what they mean, but he decides to give 1, 2, and 3 a try. He looks at the rug and knows Olivia will appreciate it and wraps up Noah in a blanket before grabbing her vacuum cleaner out of her cleaning closet. He cleans almost the whole apartment, but Noah still cries. If anything, it's louder than before. 

"Okay, okay, Noah." He says, picking Noah up. Noah still cries, even when he places him on his chest and rocks the two of them back and forth. "Please, Noah." He says, making little shush, shush noises the whole time. He feels a little sad that he can't get Noah to quiet down. After another 5 minutes, he decides that he needs help, and decides to call Olivia.

"Rafael... Is everything alright?" Olivia's panicked voice comes over the line. "Why's Noah crying?"

"I think he misses you and Lucy. I can't get him to stop." 

"Oh. Put the phone to his ear." Barba complies, placing his cell phone on the crying boy's ear.

"Noah?" He can hear her voice waft up. Noah stops crying, sniffling. "Noah, honey? Rafael's going to take good care of you okay? I love you so, so, so much." Noah giggles, hiccups.

"Mama!" He cries, no, not cries, thank God. He says happily. 

"Rafael!" She says, shock in her voice.

"Hi, Olivia."

"Did Noah just call me Mama?" 

"Yeah."

"His first word?!"

"He actually said "Mama" and "Lu" earlier. I guess your leaving distressed him." 

"Hey, Sarge!" Barba hears faintly in the background.

"Okay, I have to go. I love you both." Barba sits there, rocking the now quiet Noah, the phone still pressed to his ear long after the dial tone plays. 

"Okay, Noah. Let's get some food in you."

Noah eats happily, reassured by hearing his Mom's voice. Barba feels a little sad inside that that's all it took for him to stop crying. He guesses Noah really does hate him.

 ~~~

Barba watches Noah and Noah blinks up at him. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't have any work and he doesn't know how to keep a baby entertained. He decides to consult Google again. He types in, "What stimulus do 10 month babies need?" He clicks on the first to results, but they talk about language and food development. 

The third one is a website called, "www.raisesmartkid.com" and reads about stimulus for 0-6 months. He's about to leave the site, on account that Noah's not 0-6 months, but he scrolls down and finds, 6-12 months. Perfect.

There's a lot of games, most of them about learning, and he decides to play the "peek-a-boo mirror game" as he knows there's a full length mirror in Olivia's bedroom. And the game's simple enough. He sits down with Noah infront of him, in the protection of his lap, and faces them toward the mirror. He places the blanket over Noah's eyes.

"Where is Noah?" He asks, he pulls the blanket away, "There he is!" He says in a happy voice. He feels very silly, but that's playing with young kids for you. He puts the blanket in front of his eyes, as the sight said to, and says, "Where's Noah?" The sight said he might pull it away, but he doesn't, so Barba pulls it away. "There he is!" Noah giggles slightly. Barba repeats this a few times, and on the 5th time, Noah pulls the blanket away himself and babbles something intelligible. He'd felt silly at first, but Noah's giggles and him actually responding... It gives him an indescrible feel of happiness. 

"Yes, there he is!" Barba responds, smiling down at him. On a different sight, he'd read that if they "talk" try to say what they're saying. And communicate a lot. "You wanna play another game?" He pulls out his phone. Noah's a smart kid, if a little shy, and he decides to play a few puzzle games. One says to play hide and seek using a toy and he gets Noah's favorite teddy bear. Noah grabs for it and Barba lets him for a few moments, before taking it way. Noah looks sad, but Barba shakes it infront of his face, touching his nose with it, before stuffing it in his pocket.

"Where is it?" He asks, making sure one of the bear's ears is sticking out. Noah looks at him before crawling around him, inspecting him, and finally pulling out the toy and squeezing it, gurgling happily. Barba smiles and watches him for a minute before repeating the process.

~~~

Two long hours later, Noah's crawling around the room, and Barba's chasing him, crawling himself. He's slower on purpose. "I'm going to get you." He says playfully, following, speeding up until he catches up and when he does, he picks up Noah and raises him in the air, swinging him around before blowing a raspberry on his stomach. Noah giggles, but he wiggles in his arms.

"What's wrong, Noah?" Noah gives him a look and slumps against him. Nap, apparently. He quickly changes Noah, who's already half asleep, and places him into his crib, placing the removed teddy bear next to him.

~~~

The day passes surprisingly fast and slow at the same time. Noah cries several times, but Barba now is able to shush him and plays games all day. Lunch is a little messy as Noah was determined to knock the bowl of food over and Barba swears Noah's giggling as he cleans it up.

Barba feels about a thousand times closer to Noah at the end of the day, but he still feels that Noah doesn't like him; not in the way that he likes Olivia and Lucy. 

It's about 7:30 and he and Noah are sitting on the couch, Noah propped up with a pillow. He's finishing up a nursery rhyme in Spanish, just like the ones his mom use to sing to him, and Noah's fiddling with one of his ties that he'd given him. 

"You want me to read you a book?" Barba asks, getting up to go and get a book. Noah cries and reaches for him.

"What's wrong?" Barba asks. Noah scoots close and presses himself close to Barba and Barba's eyes well up with tears. He picks Noah up and hugs him close. 

"Dada." Barba's eyes really do well up at that. He has an immediate reaction to correct him, to have him call him, "Papi" but he decides that's for another time.

"Yes, Mijo, I'm your dad." 

~~~

Barba was fully exhausted by the end of the day, and so was Noah, so he fell asleep after putting Noah to bed without even changing. He's woken by Olivia's soft kisses.

"Hey, how'd it go?" She whispered.

"Just amazing." He whispered honestly. Olivia lies down next to him.

"See, I told you. I always believed in you."

"Well, I am his father after all." Olivia smiles next to him.

"That's great." Barba nods sleepily, not prepared for what Olivia's going to say next. 

"Think you could do it again tomorrow?"


	19. Questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Jewel:
> 
> Maybe you could do a chapter where Barba gets into a fight with the detective's (Fin, Amanda, and Carisi) about him refusing to get them a search warrant because they don't have enough evidence and Olivia can tell that Barba is getting frustrated to the point of tears so she pulls him aside to calm him down and it makes the detective's suspicious about their relationship because Olivia and Barba have been really close lately so they start asking questions about their relationship so after Olivia calms Barba down, they disclose their relationship to the squad.

"But, your honor..." Barba says trying to keep the pleading tone out of his voice.

"No, Barba." The judge says, looking sternly over his glasses, "Tell your detective's to get some actual evidence and maybe I can get you that warrant."

Barba opens his mouth to argue, but upon looking at the judge's glare, he turns to leave.

~~~

"You got it for us?" Carisi asks as Barba walks in.

"No, judge shot it down. We need more evidence."

"We got another guy to come in and voice identify him." Amanda says, hopefully.

"And?"

"He did identify him."

"Rollins," Olivia says, a warning tone in her voice, "You know that he identified 2, 3, _and_ 4 before he correctly," Olivia put quotation marks around the next word, " _Identified,_ our guy. If anything, that makes it worse." Barba lets out a long sigh.

"Okay, anything else?"

"Not really. We gave you a broken alibi," Rollins points out.

"That can't be used."

"Why not?"

"We don't have any solid evidence to back it up."

"He said he was at work, but he didn't check out?" Fin asks, confusion in his voice as to why this didn't constitute a broken alibi.

"But the boss said the machine was not working and told all his workers to just leave at their normal time. Won't work. It might if we can connect it to more evidence."

"Well, we have an eyewitness." Carisi points out.

"Who identified someone first, then hesitantly changed her mind. Again, we need more evidence."

"We found bloody gloves in his desk." Rollins says.

"Which you found through an illegal search. That was thrown out quicker than 3 week old milk." Amanda groans in frustration and Barba's not far behind.

"You know what?" Olivia says, who had been listening quietly for the past few minutes, "Why don't you and Fin go out and question Emily. We haven't talked to her a lot. Carisi and I will go out and talk to the boss, then go from there. We'll find you that evidence, Barba." Barba nodded at her, a smile teasing at the corners of his mouth. He forced himself to push it down, but the detective's took notice.

~~~

_A couple hours later, 15 minutes into the argument:_

"No," Barba practically yells, "It won't be enough."

"Why not? She correctly identified him on the first try." Rollins asks.

"And the boss said he thought he left at 7:30 instead of 8:00, matching up the timelines." Carisi points out.

"Emily had clearly stated that she'd only seen him for a minute and the boss was quiet clear that his clock hadn't been working, so he could be mistaken. Can't you find anything else?"

"We've given you as much information as we can without a search warrant. We need that warrant, Barba." Fin says.

"Well, I just can't get it. This judge is ridiculous about protecting his image. We need more."

"We can't find any, we've given you a possible broken alibi, three identifications, even if two are shaky, and we've given you other small pieces of evidence. This should be enough for possible cause!" Rollin's voice is tight with frustration and anger.

"It's not." Barba's voice has an angry edge to it as well.

"Can't you ask another judge?" Carisi asks. 

"All other judges have excused themselves from the case because everyone but the new guy knew him personally. He's the only one I can ask." His voice has a rough edge of anger in it.

"But,"

"Listen," Barba said, his voice wavering from anger to annoyance and frustration. Hell, tears were starting to gather in his eyes and clouding his vision, "I can't get you it without more evidence."

"We can't find any!"

"What am I supposed to do? Do your job for you?"

"Barba!" Olivia's voice rings out, coming out of her office where's she's been watching the argument quietly. She walks out of her office, "Rafael, come into my office," The detective's shoot each other a look, their eyebrows raised.  _Rafael?_

They all watch as Olivia gently steers Barba to her office where, upon closing her door, she talks him down.

~~~

_A week later:_

"Hey, you notice something weird with Barba and the Lieutenant?" Carisi asks, tossing Amanda her soda and sitting down, opening his own.

"What do you mean?" Fin asks.

"Oh, like we can't all see it. Come on, the way she was so nice to him a week ago." Amanda says, rolling her eyes at Fin and taking a sip of her drink.

"Yeah, and if you think about it, it wasn't the first time." Carisi says, "There was two weeks ago, I saw Barba reading a book he would never read, but then I heard him and Olivia talking about it."

"That's a little strange, but I've done that for close friends, and they're obviously close friends." Rollins points out.

"But too close is my point." Carisi asks, "They're always bringing the other coffee, and they know just how they like it."

"Okay, Carisi, they've been doing this from the day Olivia stopped hating Barba." Amanda says.

"She hated Barba?" Carisi asks.

"She's hated  _anybody_ new in the squad. You should've seen how much she hated Novak, but they became close friends. She doesn't like change." Fin says.

"Who's Novak?"

"An old ADA. She was wonderful." Amanda and fin sit there reminiscing for a second.

"Whatever. How about two days ago when Barba brought her some take out but didn't stay?"

"Okay, I'm getting a little suspescious," Fin says, "But she could've not had time to go out and get it and asked for him to pick it up, paying him back."

"This is stupid, we should just ask her." Amanda says.

"No way!" Amanda raises and eyebrow, as if to say,  _"Oh yeah? Just try and stop me."_

_~~~_

_Two hours later, upon Olivia's return:_

"Hey, Olivia?" Amanda asks as she walks into the squad room. 

"What's up, Amanda?" Carisi and Fin shoot her death glares from behind Olivia's back, but she ignores them.

"Are you and Barba dating?" Olivia turns a light shade of vermilion and splutters a bit as she answers.

"Why would you think that?"

"Are you telling me that you aren't?" Amanda asks, a coy smiling playing on her face. Olivia opens her mouth to respond, closes it, then opens it again.

"Yes, now get back to work."

~~~

_Three days later:_

"That's a nice necklace, Olivia." Amanda comments, looking at the new piece of jewelry. "Did someone get it for you?"

"Yes." 

"A certain ADA perhaps?" Olivia sighs.

"This again?" 

"I know there's something going on there."

"Leave it, Amanda." Olivia said, walking into her office.

"So who got it for you?" Amanda calls after her. She doesn't get an answer.

~~~

_Later that night:_

"So, my squad has been asking questions." Olivia says, wrapping her hand around Rafael's tie.

"Oh? What questions?"

"About us." Olivia gave Rafael's tie a tug, bringing their mouths together.

"And, what have you been telling them?" Barba asks.

"Nothing."

"Come on, Livvy." Rafael says, "IAB already knows and is okay with it. Why won't you tell them?"

"I don't know. I kinda like the sneaking around." Rafael rolls his eyes.

"You know that they won't stop asking questions."

"Yeah, I know."

"You should just tell them. Plus, no more sneaking around." 

"That would be nice." Olivia says, smiling, pulling on Rafael's tie again, bringing their mouths together again. They don't part as quickly this time.

~~~

_The next day:_

"Okay, okay, settle down." Olivia says, grabbing the ball out of the air. Carisi groans.

"Come on, Lieu, I was about to win!" 

"Like hell you were." Amanda comments.

"Whatever." Olivia says, rolling her eyes at the ridiculousness of her squad. "I have something to tell you."

"Does it concern you and an ADA?" Amanda asks, smirking.

"Yes. We've been dating for about 4 months now and IAB knows about it."

"Yes!" Amanda says, smiling, "Finally. Congratulations, you guys are just perfect for each other."

"Yeah, I like this one." Fin says.

"Thanks for your approval, Fin." Olivia says, sarcastically.

"Hey, we've been friends for a while. I don't like seeing you hurt, but I think Barba's good for you."

"Thanks." Olivia's actually sincere this time.

"Congrats, Lieu." Carisi comments.

"Thanks. Now, let's get back to work."

~~~

_2 hours later:_

"Hey." Olivia says as Barba walks in. She pulls him in for a quick kiss.

"Ugh. Is this what it's going to be like now that we know?" Amanda asks, pretending to be disgusted.

"Yup." Olivia says smugly, pulling Barba back in for another quick kiss.


	20. Flu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Mousley:
> 
> I'd love it if you could do a chapter where Barba gets really sick(flu, bronchitis, etc.) but refuses to take time off work and ends up passing out so Olivia takes care of him and they realize their feelings for each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Came out to be a little long, but hope you liked it! :)

"Mr. Barba, are you okay?" His superior, EADA, asked him as he walked in with a pile of papers, looking a little - okay, a lot - pale. 

"Yes, sir. Just a little tired, up all night working on these." Barba holds up the papers as emphasis, but they slip out of his hand. His face shows a bit of color as he burns red in embarrassment and moves to pick them up. "Sorry, sir. Guess my grip slipped." Barba coughs as he stands up. "You wanted to see me?"

"Yeah, but that can wait. Go home, Barba."

"I can't, we're three days into this case. Also, I'm fine." Barba might've made his point, puffing up his chest and willing some color back into his cheeks, but he doubles over in another coughing fit.

"You can't go infront of a judge and jury like that. GO HOME! I'll have the case pushed a few days, it happens."

"NO! I need the evidence fresh in their minds, they can't wait, not even a day."

"You have to go home. I'll pass the case onto Johnson if it's that important."

"That incompetent moron?" Barba widens his eyes as he realizes what he'd just let slip out of his mouth. His superior just chuckles though.

"I can't argue with that, he is a little incompetent. But I can argue with you, _go home."_

"You can't make me, sir." Barba sneezes loudly and signals for a tissue, blowing his nose noisily.

"Yes I can."

"No, you can't. You can't force an employ into sick leave."

"I can fire one though." Barba looks him straight in the eyes and assess the threat.

"But you won't, sir. You need me too much." Barba looks at his watch. "I'm sorry, sir, but if I want to look put together for the jury..."

"Highly unlikely." The EADA cuts in. Barba resist the urge to roll his eyes, as he is his superior after all, and continues. 

"I have to go and prepare. You sure you don't need to discuss what you needed me for?"

"Just details about next week's case, but we can talk about that later. Go get ready." He said, defeat in his voice.

~~~

"Sorry, your honor." Barba said, as he interrupted his flow to go and put his suit jacket on, suddenly very cold. He shivered as he pulled the cold material on, and he waited for it to heat up, be he noticed no difference. "Mrs. Adamson, what time did you see the man leave the apartment building?"

"7:30."

"At night?"

"No, in the morning."

"Had you seen this man before?"

"Yes."

"Wh-" Barba's voice cuts out, hoarse rasping only being produced. He clears his throat loudly and he grimaces as pain flashes through his throat, every word hard to say. "Sorry," He says, his voice clear again, "Where had you seen him?"

"I'd often see him leaving the same apartment building."

"Anywhere else?"

"Yeah, I'd often see him leaving the local department store, Al's goods." Barba nods, moving back to his desk.

"And did you ever see him leaving the store with certain objects?"

"Yeah, he'd often leave with lots of rope, blowtorches, and duct tape. I always thought he worked in construction or something."

"Thank you. Now, on the mo-" Barba cuts off, doubling over in a fit of a dry-hacking cough. "Sorry." 

"Mr. Barba, are you alright?" The judge asked, looking over his glasses. Barba nodded, pulling his jacket closer, shaking a bit, feeling cold.

"Yeah, must just need a drink of water." He takes a sip of his water as proof, then continues with the line of questioning. "On the morning of the crime, did you see anyone else leave that building?"

Barba nods as the woman gives her answer; no, no one else had left the building.

"And can you describe to me the injuries of the victim?" Barba nods, trying to keep his eyes open. He's usually so focused in court. 

~~~

"You idiot." Is the first thing Barba hears. The first thing he really remembers since his questioning of Mrs. Adamson. "You colossal  _idiot._ "

"What'd I'd do?" Barba murmurs, opening his eyes slightly, looking at Olivia's face, which is part worry, part relief, and part anger.

"You passed out in court."

"I did?" He asks, shooting up, then groaning at that decision as _everything_ seemed to hurt. "No, no, I'll never convict the guy now!"

"Don't worry about that, you need to rest." Olivia said, pushing him back down gently. Barba, too tired to argue, allows her to do so and even finds his mind forgetting court.

"So, why'd I pass out?"

"You were serverly dehydrated from the flu. Why didn't you go home, Barba?"

"I needed to catch that guy."

"We've got it in the bag. Especially now." Olivia said, throwing down a file. He moves, slowly this time, to read it. His eyes widen in shock the more and more he reads.

"How'd you get the DNA evidence?"

"Warner said there had a been a huge backup in the lab. Apparently some kind of machine thingy, didn't quite understand, as I was rushing here."

"You didn't have to do that, Olivia." 

"It was no problem" Olivia smiled at him and had the great urge to reach forward and grab his hand. She resists, saying, "Well, he's accepted a plea deal, muder 2 rape 1. He'll be gone for a long time."

"Who did the plea deal?"

"Johnson?" Olivia says, unsure.

"How did  _he_ get such a good deal?" Olivia shrugged.

"It was easy, I mean, we had DNA evidence. You'd have gotten the same thing, if not better. Either way." There's a silence.

"When can I go the home?"

"The doctor's say that, if you have someone with you, you can leave in at most two hours. If you don't, they'd like to keep you overnight."

"Shit." Barba grumbled, then clapped a hand over his mouth. "I'm sorry."

"That's okay, I know that feeling. I hate hospitals too."

"No, I mean I have to stay here overnight."

"You have no one?" Barba shakes his head. "I'll take care of you." Olivia offers, a little timidly, looking away.

"No, that's okay. I wouldn't want to bother you like that."

"It'd be no problem." Olivia said.

"That'd be nice then." Olivia nodded, smiling warmly. This time, Barba feels the need to reach out and grab her hand. And he goes for it, gripping her hand lightly, squeezing, before saying, "Thank you."

~~~

Olivia's bag slips off of her shoulder and hits the ground with a soft thump.

"This is where you live?"

"I know, I know." Barba said, "It's small, but it's mine."

"It's gorgeous."

"Don't lie to protect me, Sarge."

"No, really, it's nice. It feels homey." 

"Well I try, even though I'm never here." Olivia raises her eyebrows.

"I know what you mean. I swear I've spent more time in the crib than in my apartment." Olivia walks over to a picture on the wall, "Although, I'm getting too old for that. I suddenly feel the need to go  _home._ You know?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Who's this?" Barba walks to look over her shoulder.

"Oh, that's my mother."

"She's beautiful."

"Yeah." Barba says, softly, thinking about how much makeup her mother had been wearing that day. To cover the bruises. "She was."

"And who's this?" Olivia asks, oblivious to how quiet Barba got.

"Mi abuela." 

"She's beautiful too. Mother or father's side?" 

"Fa-" Barba cuts off, exploding into a coughing fit. Olivia practically catches him, supporting him. "I'm fine." He growls.

"No, you're not. Bed." She starts walking them to what looks like the bedroom.

"I'm fine." He mumbles as she's wrapping him up in bed. 

"No, you're not." She sticks a thermometer, provided by the hospital with the instruction to not let his fever get above 103, into his mouth and he tries to protest. "Shush, you've gotta wait just a minute." There's a silence until the shrill beeping fills the room. "102.7. You're going to sleep."

"But..."

"No, sleep." She says, sternly, and he grumbles, but flips over and falls asleep quickly. Olivia smiles, watching from the doorway.

~~~

Barba's woken two hours later by the pain in his head and throat. Somehow, without him saying anything, Olivia's there, sticking the thermometer in his mouth again before he can protest. 

"102.1 It's going down." Olivia said, handing Barba a glass, "Drink this, you need to keep hydrated." Barba does what he's told and he sinks back into the bed when he's done.

"Thanks, Liv." He mumbles. 

"You've never called me that before." Olivia comments.

"What?"

"Liv." 

"Really? Well, I'm sorry, I can stop."

"No, that's okay." Olivia says, "But Barba feels so impersonal."

"Well then, Rafael to you." He says, smiling, before coughing again, ruining whatever moment they were in. 

"I'll get you another glass of water, try and sleep." Barba nods and, despite his best efforts not too, he falls asleep before Olivia returns.

~~~

Barba wakes up in another 2 hours and shuffles out of his bed, moving to his bathroom. When he emerges he finds that Olivia's in his room again, this time with a bowl of hot soup.

"You're way to good to me, Liv." Barba says, the nickname intentionally rolling of his tongue. It feels different, foreign. It feels good. He moves to take a bit when he's chided by Olivia.

"Rafael, temp first." And sticks the poor overused thermometer into his mouth again. While they wait, Barba reflects on the sound his name, his real name, falling so easily from her lips. That foreign too, but he likes it just as much. The shrill beeping startles him.

"102.5." Olivia says, trying to keep the worry and dissapointment out of his voice. 

"Liv, it's okay, it'll go away. I'm more interested in whatever this is." Olivia blushes.

"Just some chicken soup. Have a glass of water first, they were very clear for you to keep hydrated." Barba nods, taking a the glass Olivia was offering him and drinking it as quickly as he could with his sore throat. Then he takes a spoonful, blowing on the steaming liquid, and taking a sip. His eyes widen. "Where'd you get this?" He asks, eating another spoonful.

"I made it." Olivia says. "My mother may not have always been the best mother, but she always made this for me when I was sick. It brings back memories." She admits. 

"Where'd you even get the food?" He asked, taking another sip. 

"Believe it or not, you had most of the ingredients, then I asked one of the squad member to just pick up some groceries. You know, chicken, broth, some vegetables." Barba nods.

"Well, thank you." Olivia nods. There's a pause, so Barba decides to break it. "I know this is overused, but tell me something I don't know about you." Olivia laughs.

"Okay." She's thinks for a minute, "I don't know how to cook anything other than chicken soup." Barba chuckles himself, taking another sip.

"I somehow doubt that."

"It's true, I'll show you my kitchen sometime." 

"Okay." Barba readily agrees, interested. 

"Your turn." Olivia says.

"I didn't always want to be a lawyer, I wanted to go into politics."

"So what happened?"

"I took law as a path into politics and feel in love with being a lawyer instead. Besides, this is enough stress for me. Your turn."

The conversation is light and easy, but something is heavier underneath it. Eventually Barba finishes his soup and falls back asleep.

~~~

"Hey, I didn't want to wake you, but you need to drink some more." Olivia whispers, gently pushing on Barba's shoulder. Barba blinks his eyes open and Olivia sticks the thermometer in again, "And take your temperature." Barba nearly falls asleep, but the shrill beeping wakes him. "101.9. That's good, progress." 

"It's all the sleep," he murmurs sleepily. 

"It's still progress. Drink this." She encorouges him, handing him another glass of water. He drinks it. "You've got some of your color back, feeling any better?"

"Yeah, thanks." Barba shifts to fall back asleep but he catches a glimpse of the clock. 10:30. "Don't you want to sleep, Liv?" 

"That'd be nice, but I don't want to go home and leave you alone."

"Don't be silly, I have a spare bedroom. Please sleep there."

"Thanks, Rafael." 

~~~

Barba wakes naturally the next morning at 8:30. He's gotten more sleep in the past day than he has in the past week, yet he still feels bad. 

"How you feeling?" Olivia asks, seeing he was awake.

"Better." He answers honestly. Olivia takes his temperature, "101.2. Drink." She hands him two glasses of water. "You don't have to drink both, but drink." He nods and drinks both. "Your voice is the only thing that hasn't improved a bit, may I?" Olivia asks, hands going to his throat. He nods and Olivia's fingers gently probe his swollen and hurting lymph nodes. The touch feels electric, so different from their normal side by side body pressing walk, this feels a little more intimate somehow. "And may I?" He nods again and her hands go to underneath his eyes, rubbing gently, "How's that feel?" Barba resists the urge to say good.

"A little sore, but it's fine." She nods and removes her hands from him and he can't stop the reflex to reach out and grab her hands. She raises an eyebrow at him. "Just, thank you, Liv." 

"Rafael, I'll always be here for you." Barba stares at her and she leans forward. He pushes her back. "God, I'm so sorry." She says, moving to walk away.

"Liv, it's not that. I'd love that, but I have the flu. I don't want to increase the odds of you getting it." She looks at him adoringly, at his thoughfulness, and leans forward. This time he doesn't protest, letting her lips touch his.

"You can take care of me if I get sick then." She murmurs after they break. Barba smiles and nods in agreement. Before kissing him again, she murmurs, "It'd be worth it, though."


	21. Bully

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Clara:
> 
> Could you do a chapter where Noah is a littler older(maybe 5) and he's getting bullied at school and Barba gets really angry when he finds out so he and Olivia go to Noah's school and Barba yells at the principal until they come to a solution and it makes Olivia realize that Barba is in the relationship and he doesn't plan on leaving them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, Clara! I'm sorry if it came out to focus more on Noah and the bully rather than the actual relationship, but hope you like it all the same!

"How was your day, Noah?" Barba asks when Noah trots in, his backpack lurching his little body forward, slouching.

"Okay." He whispers, not meeting his eyes.

"You okay, Noah?" He asks, a little worried about Noah's actions.

"Yeah, Chloe?" He calls out, his lips almost turning up into a smile. when the kitten jumps to his side, following to his room. Almost. Barba lets it go, watching him, and when Noah comes out an hour later, ready for cookies and milk and talking, he can't help but notice the red lines of dried tears.

~~~

Noah walks in, a week later, with his book in his hand, dripping wet.

"Noah, what happened to your new book?" Looking at the soppy title announcing the book was about the police and law(child version of course), something Noah had been very excited about.

"Oh, um." Noah says, thinking for a moment, which makes Barba suspicious, "A kid accidentally bumped into me while I was walking to the bus. I lost hold of the book and dropped it into a puddle." Barba nods. "I'll go and try and dry it now."

Barba watches him waddle off, backpack slipping off and Chloe jumping beside him, and can't help but think about how there hadn't been rain for over a week now.

~~~

"Come on, Noah, you have to eat." Olivia said, Barba beside her.

"Not hungry." Noah said, pushing the untouched plate away.

"You didn't eat lunch, you have to eat dinner." Olivia pressed.

"No, not hungry." Noah gets up and walks away, much to Olivia's annoyance. Barba touches her arm before she can get too mad.

"It's okay." He whispers, but he looks at the untouched meal, Noah's absolute favorite.

~~~

"Another headache?" Barba asks, confused and worried, handing Noah a cup of liquid child aspirin. That stuff must taste disgusting by the look on Noah's face. Along with the smell.

"Yeah, we have music now and it can get pretty loud. I'm gonna lie down." Noah said, walking to his room. Barba has to wake him for dinner that night, which he refuses, falling asleep again.

~~~

"No fever, honey." Olivia says, feeling Noah's head. "You aren't warm."

"My stomach feels yucky, please can I stay home?"

"Okay, just today. Lucy'll be by later."

~~~

"How'd it go today?" Barba asked Lucy when he came home, earlier than Olivia, as they had planned to let Lucy have a break. It was moments like that remind Barba that, while he loved and cared for the two of them, they weren't living together, as a family yet.

"Okay. I don't think he's sick. Once you left, he perked up, and happily practiced his colors and the alphabet." Barba blinked.

"So, he wasn't sick?"

"No, I think he was faking it."

"But he still was eager to learn?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"I think you need to talk with him; I'm suspicious that he's being bullied." Barba blinked again and thought about the past few weeks. The crying, the book, the headaches. Even that one unexplained bruise.

"I will, thank you, Lucy." Barba said. Lucy nodded.

"You want me to stay?" She asked, hesitantly. 

"No thanks, I'll take care of it." Lucy nodded and showed herself out while Barba walked to Noah's room. His hand hesitated over the doorknob. He paused, looking at the words,  _Noah's room,_ written in Noah's poor handwriting his stickers and glitter around it. He took a deep breath and turned the knob, walking in to Noah putting together a puzzle.

"Hey, Noah, how are you feeling?" 

"Okay," He said, watching Barba bend down.

"May I help?" Barba asks.

"Sure, Papa." They do the puzzle quietly for a few minutes before Barba decides to jump in.

"So, you seem all better." He said.

"I'm okay." Noah said, shrugging.

"Were you ever really sick? You can answer honestly, I won't be mad." Noah looked down.

"I was." Noah said, but he didn't meet his eyes.

"Noah, you can tell me." Barba strockes the boy's hair, "You can tell me anything, good or bad. You understand that, right?"

"Yeah."

"So, were you really sick."

"No."

"Why did you say you were?"

"I didn't want to go to school."

"Why not?"

"I... It's silly, I'll go tomorrow." Barba used two fingers under Noah's chin to force Noah to look him in the eye.

"Nothing that's making you not want to go to school is silly. What's wrong, Noah?" Noah doesn't answer him, avoiding his gaze, "Is someone bullying you?"

"No." Noah says, stubbornly.

"Who is it, Noah?" Noah forces his head away, not looking at him anymore, but tears are in his eyes.

"A boy in another class."

"Who?

"I don't know his name."

"What's he doing?"

"He's, he's calling me names."

"Like what? Noah let's out a long string of names, none of which were good. By the end, Barba's seething, but he keeps in inside to make sure Noah feels safe taking to him. He pulls Noah in for a hug as he's crying freely at this point, "I'm so sorry, Noah. Anything else?"

"He took my book and dropped it in the toilet when he overheard me showing it off. And he's pushed me. And he's been spreading rumors."

"What rumors, Noah?"

"Mostly about you and mommy. He also said I was a "fag?" What's a "fag" papa?" Noah asks. Barba's teeth really do grind at this, as that topic is sore for both him and Olivia. He's surprised the bully, a kid that young, even knows that word. He doubts that he knows what it means.

"A bad word for a good person. You know how the n-word is a bad word for black people but they're not bad people?" Noah nods, sniffing, "Well it's like that. There's a lot of bad talk about them."

"What makes them different?"

"You know how I love mommy and mommy loves me?" Noah nods. "And how I'm a boy and she's a girl?" Noah nods, "There's some people who are boys and love boys and some girls who love girls. They're gay or a lesbian. Those are the proper words that you are to use,  ** _NOT_** fag, got it?" Noah nods, "They're just like you or me, they just want to love, to have good jobs, but some people hate them for a detail they can't choose."

"That's not fair."

"No, it's not. Do you know how old this kid is?"

"He's in 1st grade." Barba looks down at his tiny kindergartener, anger surging through him again.

"I'll talk to your principle tomorrow, okay? Me and mommy and we'll fix this." Noah nods and Barba squeezes him tighter, "I love you, Noah. Don't forget that. Not once."

~~~

 "Mr. Barba, Ms. Benson, please have a seat." The principle says kindly, signaling to the chairs in her office.

"No thank you, I much prefer to stand." Barba says, voice tense.

"Okay." She said, staying standing as well, "I understand you wanted to see me about Noah?"

"He's being bullied." Barba replied, voice tense, barely managing to keep his voice normal and not yelling. The principle blinks.

"Really?"

"Yes!"

"How do you know?" Olivia, seeing that Barba was getting a little out of control, took over.

"He's showed all the symptoms. Frequent crying, frequent headaches, irregular appetite, unexplained injuries, destroyed materials, and he pretended to be sick the other day so he didn't have to go."

"That's terrible, and I'm truly sorry, but are you absolutely sure?"

"Yes, I had a talk with him yesterday. He said that a kid was pushing him, taking his stuff, spreading rumors, and calling him names." Barba said, his voice getting louder and louder until he was shouting. Olivia placed a hand on him and murmured a warning,  _Rafael._

"Well, I guess we could talk to the kid."

"You guess?" 

"We will, I promise. Do you know who the kid is?"

"No, Noah didn't know the kid's name, but he said he was in 1st grade. How did no one notice? We trusted this school!" Olivia, again, tried to calm Barba down. 

"I understand, sir, but there's a lot of kids in this school."

"How do you plan to find this kid?" Barba demanded.

"I'll arrange for a teacher to follow him."

"NO!" Barba yelled, "I don't want that, my kid deserves to feel like any other kid." Olivia, despite the situation, can't help but feel a little happy at the way Barba says, _my kid_. 

"Well, I could have a teacher watch him during recess and lunch, that's the only time they'd interact."

"And they wouldn't be following him?"

"No, we always have teachers in the courtyard and lunchroom, I'll just tell one to discreetly keep an eye out. After we figure out who the kid is, we'll talk to the parents."

"Good, thank you." Barba murmurs, his voice and anger calming as he knows that the situation is going to be handled. 

"And again, I'm sorry. We'll get to the bottom of this." 

~~~

"I didn't expect you to get so angry." Olivia comments casually as they drive, late, to work.

"Welll I get angry when someone I love is being hurt." Olivia, again, feels her heart swoop a little at the declaration of love from Barba, "Or anyone for that matter."

"Well, thank you."

"For what?"

"For caring." Barba grabs Olivia's hand and rubs it.

"Cariño, I'll always care." 

Olivia looks down at her hand and smiles. She's been a little unsure before, Rafael had made no move to move in, to make any long term plans, but she know's Rafael's words are true. He's in for it, all the way. She squeezes his hand tighter, smiling wider when he grips back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm wondering if I should write a part 2? I'd love some feedback on whether or not you guys think I should/would like to see one! Thanks so much, and as always, request if you want! :)


	22. Bully part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Clara, Kohee, mrschiltoncat, and everyone else who wanted a part two!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spelling at one part is purposefully bad, but I included the "translated" version in the notes at the end if you're confused.

"Hey, Lieu, your phone went off." Carisi says as Olivia returns with a case file and a search warrant from Barba. Olivia gave a slightly uninterested grunt, being a Lieutant and being in charge of a unit of the NYPD meant she got a lot of messages.

"Text or call?'

"Call. Even the ring sounded important." Olivia furrowed her brow, trying to think if she'd changed any specific ringtones. When remember, she dropped the file onto Carisi's desk and ran into her office. Sure enough, the words,  _Noah's School,_ and  _Missed Call,_ were on her lock screen. She closed the door and called them back, her knee bouncing.

" _Hello?"_

"Hello. This is Ms. Benson, I missed a call from the school?" 

 _"Oh! I'll transfer you to the principle, she wanted to talk to you."_ Olivia nods, forgetting she's on the phone, but it doesn't matter. Terrible transfer music played for half a minute and she resisted the urge to roll her eyes, again forgetting that she's on a phone. 

 _"Hello, Ms. Benson?"_ The princliple, what was her name? Mrs. Grahams. 

"Hello, you called me earlier? Is something wrong with Noah?"

" _Oh no, Ms. Benson, quite the opposite. We found the identity of the bully, sorry to scare you."_

"Oh? What's his name?"

_"Aaron, Aaron Randell."_

"What's going to happen?"

_"Well, I've called him into my office and had a long talk to him. He confessed everything, including the bullying of two other boys, and I've called his parents. He'll be suspended for 3 days and required to write an apology to Noah along with the other boys. Is that okay, I know you're, er, partner, was quite upset the other day."_

"Oh, that's perfect. He was just angry and upset for Noah."

" _Glad to hear Noah has a good father figure after his past."_ Olivia thinks about the two words,  _father figure,_ and grinned when thinking of Barba.

"Yeah, he's amazing for Noah. Is there anything I need to do?"

" _Just talk to Noah often, make sure he's happy, healthy, and safe. When the letter comes, help him read it."_

"I will, thank you." Olivia puts down the phone. She walks out of her office, a mix of emotions, and when Carisi asks if everything is alright, she says it is now.

~~~

"How was your day, Mijo?" Barba asks as he arrives in Olivia's apartment, finding Noah coloring in the corner. He feels a pang of sadness in the fact that he's not calling it his, or better yet, _their_ , apartment. 

"Good, papa." Noah says, coloring red furiously. Barba walks over and ruffles the boy's hair, looking down at the picture. He hasn't colored inside the lines, but that's fine, Barba thinks, I didn't either. Too many rules.

"Did you get a letter from Aaron yet?" He asks.

"Yes. Mom said to wait until you were home to read it." As if on cue, Olivia comes out of the kitchen.

"Dinner's done, hey Rafael." She said, smiling at her boyfriend kneeling at the ground infront of Noah in his full three piece suit.

"Hey. Should we read the letter first?"

"Okay. That okay, Noah?" She asked gently, pushing the hair out of Noah's eyes, kissing the top of his head. Barba couldn't help but smile at how domestic he'd gotten. 

"That's good. I'll go get it." He said, running to his room. When he comes back, he jumps between Olivia and Barba on the couch, wiggling in to the arms that wraps around him. On the envelope it says, I'm sorry. A good beginning, Barba thought. Noah reads the whole thing outloud, pausing now and then to ask what a word was, which was hard to tell with the kid's bad spelling. By the looks of it, he had no help writing it. That's good. The letter follows, 

_To Noah,_

_I relize I am being forcd to rite this letter, but I want you to know that I got no help, that I would rite it anyway, and everything I say is how I truely feel. I am truely sorry for what I did._

_It was not rite for me to push you and tese you. I also should not have called you a "fag" and spread those rumors about youre parents. I didnt respect you, I didnt tret you farly, I didnt tret you kindly and I feel really bad about what I did. I am so sorry and am glad to have been shown the wrongs of my ways. I hope that one day you can forgive me and let me make it up to you._

_Please forgive me and know that I am truely sorry for the things I did, the things I believed, and the things I ended up doing._

_Again, truely sorry,_

_Aaron R._

_PS: I am sorry for destroying your book and I do not know the cost, but I have included 10 dollers._

By the end Noah was in tears.

"Are you okay, my love?" Olivia asked, holding Noah close and wiping his tears away.

"Yeah, I am."

"Do you feel better?"

"Yes."

"Do you feel safe to go to school." Noah nodded. Olivia sighed deeply, a sigh of relief, and she kissed his head. After she relised him, Barba pulled him in for a hug and kiss to.

"Why don't you go set the table, love." Noah nodded and ran off. Barba looked at the letter.

"This was a nice letter. Do you think he meant it and wrote it himself?"

"Well, the spelling suggests so."

"Other than that."

"Yeah, I do. I met the boy when I picked Noah up and he cried when he gave Noah the letter, saying sorry again. Noah hugged him and said it was okay."

"You think we should keep the money?"

"No. He said he's sorry, I'll return it and buy Noah a new book myself." Barba nodded. There was a moment of silence. Barba watched Noah carefully placing forks and plates on the table and the words tumbled out of his lips before he could stop them.

"I want to move in." He blurted out, then looked avoided Olivia's gaze. If he'd looked at her, he might have seen the brilliant smile on her face. She grabbed his hand and turned his head. She kissed him and, after a moment, he kissed her back. When the broke, she whispered.

"I'd love that." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, spelling in the letter was purposefully bad to indicate a child's writing. I put the "translated" version here.
> 
> To Noah,
> 
> I realize I am being forced to write this letter, but I want you to know that I got no help, that I would write it anyway, and everything I say is how I truly feel. I am truly sorry for what I did. 
> 
> It was not right for me to push you and tease you. I also should not have called you a "fag" and spread those rumors about your parents. I didn't respect you, I didn't treat you fairly, I didnt treat you kindly and I feel really bad about what I did. I am so sorry and am glad to have been shown the wrongs of my ways. I hope that one day you can forgive me and let me make it up to you. 
> 
> Please forgive me and know that I am truly sorry for the things I did, the things I believed, and the things I ended up doing.
> 
> Again, truly sorry,
> 
> Aaron R. 
> 
> PS: I am sorry for destroying your book and I do not know the cost, but I have included 10 dollars.


	23. I Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Jessica:
> 
> I'd love it if you could do a chapter where Barba gets shot in court and Noah is really worried about him but Barba assures Noah that he won't die and that he'll always be with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long, it's been a hectic week and I've had a bit of writers block, but here it is and I hope you like it!

"You say that you were at work all night, but we have three different witness that says that they saw you leaving early and even one who is willing to testify that you paid him to punch out your timecard late."

"Objection, is there a question in there, your honor?" Calhoun says indigently. The judge eyes Barba and he nods,

"Sorry, your honor." Barba repeated all of what he just said but added, "So where were you really?" onto the end. The defendant fidgets and doesn't really answer, looking beyond him, at the door. Barba does a quarter turn and uses his peripherals to check the door, but not make it too obvious. There's nothing there, and the defendant still isn't answering. "Your honor?"

"Answer the question." The judge commands. 

"I was, um... I was," Rita nearby has her eyebrows furrowed, as if she's noticed where his eyes are, noticed his distracted answers. This isn't the man she prepped. "I was going home to see my daughter, but I needed the money, so I had a friend punch the card out and gave him a few bucks for risking his job. I know it's wrong, but..." The man trails off, still looking at the door.

"Is something wrong?" The judge asks and the defendant shakes his head too quickly, saying,

"No problem, your honor. Continue." Barba turns all of his attention back to the defendant.

"You claim that you were," Barba hears the door open but ignores it, it's normal for people to leave and go, "home with your daughter, but when we questioned her, she said you didn't get home till 12:30, why is that?" He watches the defendant and sees a little nod, but not directed to him. Barba turns around and that may be the smartest thing he's ever done. The shot aimed toward his heart only hits his upper right shoulder. Of course, he doesn't realize any of that in the moment. At the moment it's all chaos and more shots fired and the pain. He blacks out before anything's even resolved. 

~~~

Barba's eyes blink open to discover a very white environment and Olivia's face looming over his.

"Whathappened?" Barba mumbles, still not completely conscious. 

"You got shot."

"Really? The gaping hole in my shoulder wasn't enough of a clue for me."

"It's not gaping, they closed it."

"Har har, what happened?"

"The defendant hired a guy to come in and shoot you and the judge."

"So?"

"The defendant tried to escape while the chaos was going on. The hitman and the defendant are dead, along with a juror, a police officer, and the judge." Barba looks crestfallen.

"Anyone else hurt? Are you hurt?"

"No, I'm not hurt, and no one else is hurt. It's a good thing you turned around when you did, otherwise your name would've been added to that list." Barba nods.

"Anyway, I promised Noah that I'd call you the second you woke up, so can you pretend to be asleep?" Barba nods, smiling slightly, before sliding his eyes shut. He hears Olivia call for Noah and Noah's tiny footsteps coming into the room, then the touch of Noah's hand, to which he opens his eyes slowly.

"Mijo?" Barba asks, feigning confusion.

"Papí!" Noah cries out, hugging Barba. Barba winces.

"Careful, Mijo." Noah pulls away, looking at him worriedly. 

"I'm sorry. Are you going to die?" Barba resists the urge to burst out laughing because of Noah's truly worried and scared expression.

"No, Mijo, you'll still have to deal with me." Noah looks at him dubiously, but hugs him again.

~~~

"Papí's sleeping a lot." Noah says, not looking at the food Olivia puts in front of him.

"Yeah, he's in a lot of pain." Olivia says, "But he'll get better."

"He's really going to be okay?" 

"Yes, Noah. I promise, but you've got to eat." Noah makes a show of taking a bite, but then pushes the rest of his food around until Olivia gives up and lets him go.

~~~

"Papí, your awake!" Noah said noticing Barba up.

"Yes, Noah." 

"Are you really going to be okay? You're sleeping a lot." Barba sits down in front of son with some difficulty.

"You know how last year you got pneumonia?" Noah nods, "Well, it's like that. We were very very scared for you, but you got better." Noah nods, "I'm going to get better too. I promise."

"Are you sure?"

"Noah, I'll always be here for you, okay? Always." Noah smiles.

"Promise?" He asked, hugging Barba. Barba gives him a one armed hug back.

"I promise." 


	24. Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Mousley:
> 
> I was wondering if you could do a chapter where Noah is older(maybe 12 or 13) and he gets into a fight with Barba and says some hurtful things that cause Barba to storm out of the house and tell Olivia not to come after him. Olivia lets Barba calm down and when he comes back he and Noah talk it out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long! I hope this is what you were looking for!
> 
> Also, in case the lingo is different in other places, "intro" and "college" classes, for me in high school, was two level classes. It often went, from weakest to strongest, intro, college, honors, then possibly AP, based on your needs in a subject.

There's nothing like coming home after a long day at work to her two favorite boys. As Olivia enters the apartment and hears some loud arguing, she rethinks that. It's better when she comes home to her two boys getting along, like they normally do. But she hears the yelling continue, so, it's up to her, previously _Detective_ Benson, to find out just what's going on...

~~~

 _15 minutes earlier_ :

"A "C" in History, really?" Barba asks as he looks over Noah's report card. Noah shrugs, opening the fridge. "What happened?" Noah pulled out an apple and, despite his worry and anger, Barba internally smiles at the healthy food choice. Noah's been leaning more and more toward junk food, like every other 13 year old boy, but he didn't want that to happen. Noah takes a bite, chews thoughtfully, then says, 

"Teacher's crazy, she must not like me." 

"That's not going to work, because I can look at your grades. Why'd you get a "D" on this test. I never even heard about this test." 

"Which one was that?" Noah asks, taking another bite. Apparently that wasn't the right thing to say because it got Barba really mad.

"You don't even know which one you got a "D" on? How many "D's" did you get?" Barba quickly opens the full document and gasps. First off, there had been 4 tests he didn't even hear about, and he'd gotten "C's" and "D's" on all of them. "It's a miracle you got a "C"!"

"It was a bad quarter, so what?" If Barba hadn't been angry earlier, he definitely would be now.

"So what? So what? It's your  _future_. I'm not going to let you throw it away."

"Chill, Dad," Barba feels another pang. Noah had been growing away from calling him 'Papa' and sometimes 'Padre' and moved to the 'Dad' to seem more normal to his friends. Barba hated it. "It's only 8th grade."

"You don't get it, do you? You're developing habits for later. If you slack off now, you're much more likely to slack off later. And you're in 8th grade. While colleges aren't going to look into those grades, high schools are and they are going to decide what classes to put you in. Do you want to be in intro and college classes? You're so much smarter than that!" Barba says in a stream of words. Noah's kept this arrogant aloofness this whole time.

"Whatever, I'll try to do better. Can I go out?"

"No, you're not leaving this conversation. How are you going to try and do better?"

"I'll study harder. Can I go? Julia and Jacob want to meet up at the movies." 

"When are you going to study history?"

"Later."

"Well call them and tell them that you can't go out since you got a "C" in history."

"You're grounding me!?"

"No, I'm just implementing two new rules. We've been lax about these, thinking you were responsible enough, but obviously not. You will not go out until you finish homework and you'll be home by 10:00."

"No, Dad!" Another pang, "I'll be so uncool!"

"And in ten years when you're flipping burgers at McDonalds?" Noah huffs. 

"That won't be me."

"No. You're smart, do not throw away your shot!"

"But, Dad."

"No buts, go do your homework." Noah can't resist another retaliation.

"What about Mom? I'm guessing she gets to make these rules."

"I'm fully capable of making these rules too, Mijo." Noah scoffs at looks away.

"She'd be kinder than this." Now it's Barba's turn to scoff.

"Have you meet her? I love your mother, but she'd crucify you alive. She  _will._ "

"I don't care, you can't make the rules."

"Yes, I can."

"You're not the boss of me." 

"I am, Mijo."

"No, you're not. I can go out when I want." 

"Mijo, I'm your father and you..." Barba's cut off as Noah, in a lapse of judgement, screams, 

"You're not my father!" Barba's eyes widen and doesn't say another word. He just leaves. He gets up, walks past Olivia - when did Olivia get here? It didn't matter. - and walked out of the apartment. Barba shouts out, it's not clear if it's to Olivia or Noah, both think it's to Noah, 

"Don't follow me!" Barba then slams the door behind him and the apartment vibrates with the force of it. Noah, who hasn't even noticed Olivia yet, sits there stunned before he starts to cry.

~~~

Noah decides to ignore Barba's warning and gets up, starting to run after him, when Olivia catches him. 

"Noah, Noah, it's okay. Leave him be." 

"But, but, I said..." Noah blubbered out around the tears.

"I know, I know what you said. Why'd you say it?" Noah cried some more, not caring about his 'coolness' it didn't matter anymore.

"I was mad."

"But he  _is_ your father, isn't he."

"Yes."

"Then why'd you say it."

"Because I was mad and he's technically not." Olivia, who knew this day, the day when she'd have to tell him everything, would come sighs.

"Trust me, honey, you don't want to meet your biological father. And you can't anyway." Noah, who's heard about his mother and father before, knows this and nods. "It'll be okay, honey." 

"But what do I do now?"

"Calm down, do your homework, that would be a nice gesture. When he comes home, tell him you're sorry, that he's your father, and that you love him. Maybe even call him, "Papa." He misses that."

"Yeah, I know."

"Go read, it'll help." Olivia watches her son walk off and can only wonder when Barba would come home. And in what state.

~~~

"Noah?" Barba asks as he knocks on his son's bedroom door 3 hours later. The door opens and Barba's shocked at Noah's red, puffy eyes and tear stained cheecks. He's even more shocked when Noah quickly wraps him in a hug.

"I'm so, so, so, so sorry! Noah begins, fresh tears coming, "I love you and you're my father and I'm sorry." Barba feels a rush of emotions come through him and he hugs Noah back.

"It's okay, Mijo. I'm sorry too, I should've helped you more."

"I should've worked harder. I'm sorry, Papa." Barba's eyes widened and he hugged even tighter until Noah squeaked, 

"Too tight!" Barba laughs, a nice emotional change from this situation, and says, 

"Sorry." He slips his arms away.

"I did my History homework and emailed my teacher. She says she'll help me study for the quiz next week."

"That's good."

"I'm sorry again."

"I'm sorry too, Mijo." They hug again.

Olivia, who's been watching from the hallway, smiles at her two favorite boys, getting along again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, if anyone here is as of a big nerd as I am, can you spot the Hamilton reference?


	25. Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some cute Christmas fluff for you all!

Olivia almost forgot it was Christmas morning, that's how normal of a morning it was. She'd woken up to Noah's cries at 6:00, like clockwork he was, and changed him while Rafael had dragged himself to the kitchen and made coffee. After she'd dressed Noah and herself up, used the restroom and brushed her teeth, she walked out to find Rafael on the couch. She gave him a kiss, humming at the coffee on his lips, and when they broke apart, he handed her her coffee. She started to take a sip, but he put her close and rubbed her shoulder.

"Merry Christmas, Liv." Olivia then smiled, remembering the date. The day that used to render her dismal. She looks at the tree, the first time she's ever had a tree, and it's colorful lights and balls. 

_"Mommy, why can't we have a tree? Everyone else gets one." Olivia asks her mother. Her mother shakes her head, grabbing her hand and they cross the street. Olivia doesn't receive an answer. Instead, she pulls her coat tighter around herself as she's left outside, like normal, as her mother goes into an "Adult Only" liquor store to stock up. Olivia casts another glance at the tree yard across the street..._

"Liv, you okay?" Rafael asks. Olivia looks over, Rafael's voice having broke the flashback. She'd only been five, she didn't understand yet. 

"Yeah, I'm fine." She lied, smiling. Rafael looked at her dubiously, but nodded.

"How do you want to do this? You want to have breakfast first then gifts, or visa versa?" Noah fusses in her arms.

"Little man just answered for us." She said, grinning, and she walked to the kitchen, pulling out some formula and some solid food. Recently, Noah'd have both. Breakfast goes as expected, messy and a little chaotic. They sit down again and Olivia looks at the large amounts of gifts. They probably bought too many, but this was the first Christmas were she really has people to buy gifts for.

 _Olivia sits, alone, in her apartment designed for one. She sips her terrible coffee, she makes terrible coffee, and grimaces. She goes to the fridge to get some cream, maybe some sugar after that, but she stops. There is three cards. One from Elliot wishing,_ "Happy Holidays"  _with a picture of Elliot, Kathy, and all 5 kids in what looks like a big pile. They're all smiling. The next one has no photo, but inside is a handwritten note from Fin and Munch. Cragen, like Fin and Munch, wasn't big on sending Christmas cards, but had written her a note too, one from both him and Marge. Olivia suppresses tears as she prepares to go to work, the only one coming in, the only one who doesn't have a family. The only one who has nothing better to do._

"Liv, you're crying." Rafael says, wiping away the tear. 

"Sorry, just a memory. Let's do this." Olivia gets up and grabs a gift, handing it to Noah. Noah has no idea what to do with it, so she and Rafael open it for him. It's a little game. They'd play that later. Olivia smiles. Today someone else was in the squad, today she had a family to spend the day with. Today, she truly gets a Christmas.

~~~

"Last one. For you, Liv." Rafael says, handing her her gift with a kiss. She opens it and finds a jewelry box. She hesitantly opens it to find a locket on a bracelet. On it is the word,  _"Fearless"_ like her pendant.

"It's gorgeous, Rafi." Rafael nods shyly.

"Open it." Olivia does, gasping at the lovely photo of her and Noah on one side, one of her and Rafael on the other.

"It's perfect." She whispers, clipping it onto her wrist. "Honestly, Rafi, this is the most thoughtful gift I've ever received."

"No no..." Rafael says.

"No, it is." She grabs his hand. "Thank you." She kisses him, then they snuggle up, watching Noah play with the box of a gift he got, the gift . Olivia snickers slightly as Rafael plays with her hair, laughing at Noah as well.

"Merry Christmas, Liv." 

"Merry Christmas, Rafi." 


	26. Tucker and His Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Jessica:
> 
> Maybe you could do one where Olivia is with Tucker and Barba is jealous because he loves her and one day at the precinct, Tucker is there discussing a case with the squad and Barba walks in and tells Olivia he can't get her that warrant so Olivia and Barba argue but Tucker gets involved and continues to insult Barba until he is reduced to tears in front of the entire squad and runs out of the room. Olivia breaks up with Tucker and goes to talk to Barba where they admit their feelings for each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tucker turns out really mean in this, but that's what the prompt demanded. Hope this was what you were looking for, Jessica, having him threaten and betray him, rather than insult, was the only way I could think of to get Barba to cry.
> 
> Anyway, hope you all enjoy!

_Barba's perseptive:_

Barba often turned to scotch to drown his sorrows, whatever his latest one was. They were usually the same, his father, the cases, or Olivia. Not that there was anything wrong with Olivia, quite the opposite actually. He loved her and she was with... With...  _Tucker._ He sneered just at the thought of the man, a guy he never got along with  _before_ he started dating Olivia. Now it was about 100 times worse.

Why did he have to go and fall in love with his best friend? Barba, instead of trying to answer that question, downs the rest of his scotch before heading home.

~~~

Why was it not alright to drink scotch before work? Barba thinks as he knows that today is going to be a very long day. He pulls on his suit jacket, one he knows Olivia likes, and a tie that's a favorite of his. He takes a look at himself in the mirror. He looked confident. He wished he was that confident in every aspect of his life, not just court.

~~~

Barba, catching up on some paperwork, sighs as his phone rings.

"Hello?" He asks, sipping his coffee, then involuntarily smiling as Olivia's voice wafts through the phone. God he was lovesick, wasn't he?

"We need a warrant." Barba would normally tease her about the snippiness of her comment and the lack of pleasentries, but he hears urgency in her voice and decides to skip it, taking another sip of his coffee instead.

"What do you have?" Olivia quickly fills him in. Nothing apparently.

"I'll try my best." Barba answers honestly, but knowing there was little hope. Olivia thanked him and hung up. He downed the rest of his coffee before heading off to a judge.

~~~

_Olivia's perspective:_

Olivia shifted to her right hip as she bent over Carisi to look at his computer screen.

"This has been posted on almost every social media sight." Olivia sighed as the video played again, no volume thank God, of a bunch of high school girls, 15 at the oldest, strutted about. In only their underwear. If only they knew what their lives would be like. How many creepy people had their hands on this video. How hard, impossible really, it would be to get into college. To get a job.

"Contact the computer guys, we need to remove this as quickly as we can."

"They can try, but..." Ed started.

"I know, what's there is there, but they can still try." Olivia said, a little annoyed that he was here and interjecting his opinions. Okay, she wasn't really annoyed at him, or his warnings, she was just annoyed at the situation.

"When's Barba going to be here with the search warrant?" Olivia shrugged, adverting her eyes as the girls started to unhook their bras. 17 years in, you think she'd get indifferent to it. Maybe it was a good thing she wasn't. It's what kept her fighting.

"I called him an hour ago, should be here soon." As if one cue, she hears the slight squeak of the perfectly polished shoes striding into the squad room.

"I'm sorry, Liv," Ed noticibly tensed at the entrance of Barba. Or at his usage of, "Liv." Who knows which it was. "But I tried three judges, they all said no. We need more evidence." 

"We gave you plenty."

"Most of it is circumstantial."

"What about the faulty alibi?"

"Not enough on it's own."

"We have a witness."

"Who, the drunk? No one trusts him to even show up."

"What about the girls themselves, they said they wouldn't be afraid to testify." 

"We need evidence outside of them." Olivia opens her mouth to continue arguing, but is cut off.

"Remind me again when judges suddenly didn't listen to several witnesses and a broken alibi." Ed said, menace in his voice. Olivia squeezes her eyes shut for half a moment, not excited for this, the squad looks shocked, but Barba just straightens himself up, practically puffs his chest up, and says

"Quite a while now, but I wouldn't expect you to know that. You just work in IAB after all." 

"As you may or may not know, my job actually takes a lot of knowledge of how the law works, actually kind of revolves around it. So I still don't understand why you can't get this warrant." 

"Ed..." Olivia says warningly. Ed ignores her.

"Maybe if you weren't so incompetent at your job, you could get that warrant." Barba's eyes light with fury, and a little else that Olivia can't quite dissect. "I'm sure Williams could get that warrant." Olivia's eyes grow in horror at the mention of Williams, a prominent lawyer who, beside being one of Barba's enemies, had betrayed Barba. None of them, other than Ed, working at IAB, knew the full story, but they all knew it was bad. 

"Well," Is all that Barba can come up with, his voice slightly shaking. Olivia looks shocked, as this is not the cool and collected lawyer she sees everyday. Then again, Ed isn't the man she sees everyday right now either.

"What, can't handle how he turned on you? How he,"

"Tucker," Barba said, warningly. It didn't come out nearly as threateningly as he meant it too, Olivia can see that.

"Should I tell them? Should I tell them how he," Ed smirked as he watched Barba mentally and physically break down in front of him. It was not a nice smile. "Or maybe I should tell them about John. What do you think?" Barba closed his eyes. Slowly, and he didn't re-open them. "Or maybe I should tell them..." Olivia grabbed Ed's shoulder.

"Ed, that's enough! More than necessary." Ed shook her off without missing a beat. 

"Your father." Barba's eyes snapped open again.

"You wouldn't. I trusted you."

"He was right you know. You are useless, incompetent, _worthless_." Olivia swore there were tears in Barba's eyes. She tried pulling Ed away again, but he was in a trance. Olivia didn't even notice Rollins, Carisi, and Fin in the background. They were saying innocuous things to Ed, trying to get him to stop as well, but it was like Barba and Tucker were in their own little bubble. 

"I trusted you with that." Ed leaned forward, whispering just out of audio level of everyone else in the room,

"Should I tell Olivia about that silly little crush of yours? No wonder you think you'll never be good enough for her. Guess what, your _not_." Ed leaned back and said, loud enough for everyone to hear. "You should never have trusted me, Barba, because I don't respect you enough to keep those promises." Olivia watched as more tears slid down Barba's cheeks and he turned on heel, practically ran out of the room. 

"That was..." Carisi started.

"So unbelievingly jackass of you!" Fin finished, "I was right about you 16 years ago, and I'm right about you now. You are an unbelievable..."

"Fin," Olivia said.

"Really, how dare you? What the hell did he even do?" Rollins said, getting up and in Ed's, Tucker's, face. Tucker looked bewildered at all the people yelling at him.

"Liv?" He grabbed her arm.

"Don't call me that. Get off of me."

"I'm sorry."

"Are you? Or are you just saying that to get good with me because I do not appriciate it." Olivia's voice and gaze was full of anger. 

"Olivia..." 

"Just, stop it, Tucker." Tucker's eyes widened at the use of his last name. "It's over. Go back to the rats nest." Olivia shucked her coat on, walking out after Barba, yelling out, "I can't believe I ever trusted you."

She knowingly leaves her pissed and loyal squad behind with him.

Good. He deserves it.

~~~

"Barba! Rafael!" Olivia says as she runs up to him, letting his first name slide out of her mouth. She finds him, with a fresh cup of coffee, in a back alley, tears down his face.

"Go away, Olivia. Go back to Tucker."

"That jerk? Broke that off with him and left him to the squad, who are royally pissed by the way." Barba sniffed and cracked a slight smile at both revelations. 

"Really?" 

"Yeah. You've got real friends there."

"And you?"

"Did I not tell you I broke that off? I can't believe I trusted him." Barba nodded. Olivia slid her arms around him and gave him a hug. "I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"I still am. What was he even saying?"

"Just a bunch of sore stuff I trusted him with."

"What about when he leaned in?"

"He said," Barba hesitated, but dove in, "He said, "Should I tell Olivia about that silly little crush of yours? No wonder you think you'll never be good enough for her. Guess what, your _not_ "" Barba mocked his voice while he said this. 

"Why would he say that?"

"Because it's true."

"What part of it?" Olivia can't help but ask.

"All of it." Olivia slightly smiles at the admission that he liked her, then frowned at his attitude. She pulled him in and kissed him then pulled away before he got a chance to respond.

"Like you too." She said, butting his hip with hers, "He's wrong." Barba gave her an puzzled look while feeling his lips unbelievingly, "You're good enough for me. Even too good, counselor." 

"That's not true." Olivia kissed him again, and this time he kissed back.

"Not good enough, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess I was stupid." Olivia nodded wholeheartedly at that and Barba, Rafael, laughs. "Thanks, Liv."

"Will you tell me what it meant? It might help." Rafael looked at her.

"One day. Until then let's just enjoy now." Olivia smiled.

"Now sounds very nice." She slipped her hand into his and they walked away, Tucker and his words behind them.


	27. Threats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Mousley:
> 
> Do you think you could do a chapter where the threats on Barba's life are still happening so he's really stressed about it and the cases have continued to be hard and leave Barba emotionally drained and while working on a case with the squad, he is talking to a young victim and her mother and he just gets so upset and has a complete breakdown and Olivia has to come in and get him and comfort him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this is what you were looking for, Mousley! Olivia and Barba are just friends in this one, I couldn't find a way to write it where they were dating because then she'd know that people where circling his apartment.

He's there, right in front of him, after all this time. He says, fake confidence in his voice, "Number three." And before he can stop them, with a little hint of fear in his voice, the words slip out. "He looks so much smaller in there." He's hyper aware of Carisi's gaze.

"They usually do, counselor." Rollins says from behind him, her voice seeming cold and emotionless, but he knows that's not the truth. Just a front she puts up to stay strong. Carisi next to him startles him by tapping the glass three times, there three three, on the glass. 

"And for what it's worth, while he was in holding he told me he got paid $250 each time he talked to you." 

"$250, that's it? I should be offended." He knows he puts up a front too, just like Rollins, yet he can't seem to break his gaze from the guy to look at Carisi, even as he asks, "Who paid him?" He watches the guy be taken away.

"That he wouldn't say. Based on what he did say, threat assessment's going to keep the security detail on you 24/7." His eyes shift back and forth, not really focusing on anything, and sighs.

"Terrific." He starts to walk away, aware of Carisi behind him.

"Still want to be an ADA?" He asks, and even he can hear the defeat in his voice.

~~~

_4 months later:_

"I know, Mrs. Johnson, but there's a good chance the jury will acquit. This way we are guaranteed that he'll be in jail from now until Sofia is out of college. After that, he'll be on the sex offender's list. He'll have a hard time to get a job, finding a place to live. If we continue, he could be on the streets, roaming free as a bird, by next week." Barba means every single word, honestly not wanting to happen, looking at the 7 year old who's life will never be the same. Sofia's sitting in the corner, clutching her little doll, a new gift, and staring at the two of them.

"I'm not not letting him get away with 15 years." Her mother says forcefully. 

"I'm sorry, but..."

"No, you don't know what it's like. Every night she can't go to sleep, she walks with me as I check all the locks, and when she does fall asleep, she wakes up crying."

~~~

_3 days earlier_

Barba walks around the apartment over and over. It's all he can seem to do now days. He goes from door to door, window to window, checking all the locks. He slides one of the curtains, one he bought to shut out all gaze from his apartment, to check the lock again when he sees it. A car drive by. A dark blue mustang. There's a routine now. Blue mustangs ever other Tuesday, Red Honda the other Tuesday, and so on for ever day of the week. He checks the lock, jiggling it more than needed, as he watches the car circle back again. Like it will all night. 

He lets the curtain slide shut, his heart in his throat, and slides back into bed. He grabs some case files and puts his glasses on, his contacts out, and sighs. This case was in a week, about a 5 and 7 year old set of brothers who had been raped by their father. Their mother knew about, was okay with it even, thank God the neighbor finally came to the polic. He can't deal with the case at the moment, even if it's so close, and looks at the next file, groaning. 15 year old, pregnant, found dead, a long cut along the bottom of her stomach. The baby had been removed and she'd been left to bled out along in the park. Cold, scared, and... Barba puts that case aside too. After reading 4 more case files, as equally depressing, he gives up and clicks off the light.

He closes his eyes and, despite his tiredness, his eyes stay open, his heart beats quicker and quicker, ever aware of the car circling, circling, circling....

~~~

_Back to the present:_

"I understand, Mrs. Johnson, but..."

"No, you don't. You can't." Barba thinks to last night, the gray pickup truck that woke him up twice. He thinks of the tall man that seemed to follow him everywhere now days, and he's not the only one that follows him. The security detail had deemed it "safe" three months ago and he was too stupid to say anything different. "You have no idea, do you?" Barba's glad he's sitting down and he shuts his eyes, "You can't know what it's like to always be looking over your shoulder," The guys face flashes in his mind again and he quietly admonishes himself for letting fear get in the way of work. But, the face still sticks, "To flinch everytime you hear a car," It'll be a Forrest green Toyota today, "To fear for your's or someone else's life. Do you!" She practically screams. "Look at you, sitting here, not even having the courage to look me in the eyes." Barba slowly opens his eyes, aware of the fear and tears in them.

"I understand, but we,"

"You _fucking_ coward." She hisses. And Barba breaks, aware that he is a coward, that he's scared of cars and people. He sits there, shocked, as a woman of 35 has more guts than he does. He doesn't know how long it goes on, he's not aware of his tears, he's not aware of Mrs. Johnson or Sofia, not aware of anything, just the fear and dissapointment in himself, embedded so deep that it shakes him to his core. The door opens, unnoticed by Barba, and Olivia walks in.

"Barba." She says, rubbing his arm, "Rafael." Her voice brings him back to the present and he realizes he's shaking. "Excuse us, Mrs. Johnson." Olivia says and she helps Barba up and out of the room and into her office. 

"Out." She says to Rollins, Fin, and Carisi, who all throw Barba looks, but they leave. Olivia pulls out a blanket from somewhere, sits him down, and wraps him up. "You're okay, Rafael, you're okay." She says quietly, still rubbing him arms. Eventually he snaps out of it.

"Sorry, Liv." He whispers, pulling the blanket closer. 

"What happened, Barba?" She asked, removing her arm and handing him some coffee. When'd she get coffee? He sips at it gratefully, then avoids the question. "Did the threats ever really go away?" She asks. He, finally admitting it, shakes his head slowly. 

"Every night, Liv, every night they circle my house." Olivia wants to admonish him for not coming forward sooner, but she knows that he's just scared.

"Okay, we'll get you help. It'll be okay, Rafael." She says honestly. Barba, for the first time in months, allows himself to relax, to feel safe.

"Thank you, Liv." He says, sipping coffee. "What about the Johnsons?" He asks, looking at the window. 

"I'll talk to them, just worry about yourself for now." Barba nods and let's Olivia wrap him a hug. "Everything'll be alright." Barba smiles, a real smile, and believes her.

_~~~_

_Three weeks later:_

"That's the last of them, you shouldn't receive anymore threats." Olivia says, smiling. Barba practically melts with happiness and relief. 

That night, he goes to bed feeling truly safe.

 


	28. Cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Jessica:
> 
> Do you think you could do a chapter where Barba's mother dies just like his grandmother did, and he's really upset about it but doesn't want Olivia to know what happened so he doesn't tell her but Olivia eventually finds out and confronts Barba, who starts crying and he tells her he was afraid that she would leave him if he showed his vulnerable side because she's never seen that side of him but Olivia tells him that she loves him no matter what and then comforts him while he cries?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note, Adam is totally of my own imagination, don't go looking for the case with him.

"Is this Rafael Barba?" A slightly disoriented somber voice says. They mispronounced his first name. Barba presses the phone to his ear using his shoulder and opens the top of his coffee, which is steaming hot.

"Yes, but I'm not buying anything." Barba blows on the coffee before taking a sip. Anyone who mispronounces his name is usually a salesman and he has no time or patience for that today. Or anyday, but today he has less than usual.

"No, no, Mr. Barba, I'm from Mercy Hospital, I'm calling about your mother, Lucia Barba."

"What happened?" He asked, slightly panicking. 

"She was brought in after a car accident." Barba's brow furrows, his mother  _never_ drove, didn't even own a car. Maybe... "We did the best we could, but," Barba closes his eyes, no, not this soon after his abuela, "She died."

"No." He murmered, his coffee dropping out of his hands, splattering him. It's hot, but he doesn't care. "It can't be."

"We need you to come down and,"

"Identify her, okay." He said, rubbing his temples, tears pricking at his eyes. "I'll be over as soon as I can." 

~~~

Barba stares at his reflection in the mirror. A trip to the hospital had confirmed it, his mother, laying there. Tears are running down his face again, his eyes red, his throat raw from crying. 

_"You're saying the driver was intoxicated when he was driving my mother?" Barba asked, talking to the doctor and trying to avoid looking through the window to his mother's sheet covered body._

_"Yeah, we have him in surgery, but it looks like he's going to survive."_

_"I want you to call NYPD, I want him arrested for a DUI and vehicular manslaughter."_

_"Already done, Mr. Barba."_

_"Any word on who's going to handle the case?"_

_"You work for the ADA, right?" The doctor asks. Barba nods. "I don't know, but he's going to Manhattan." Barba nods again, words unable to come to him. "Is there any other family I should contact?"_

_"No." He whispers, looking through the window, "I'm the only one."_

"Rafael, I'm home!" Olivia calls out and Barba panics. He looks again in the mirror, he can't let her seem him like this. 

"I'll be out in a minute." He hears Olivia rustling around. He splashes cold water on his face over and over until his eyes aren't red, there are no tear streaks, and he's not crying anymore. He gathers a handful of water and drinks it, which is disgusting without a filter, but it clears the sound of his voice.

"How was your day?" Olivia asks him, giving him a peck on his lips before going to pick up Noah.

"Not great, rough case." Barba answers honestly. 

"You wanna talk about it?" Barba shakes his head. "Okay." 

~~~

Olivia walks into his office the next day, to give him coffee and their newest case, and finds him tearing. 

"Rafael, are you okay?" She asks. Barba nods, wiping his eyes with a tissue their blowing his nose noisily for effect.

"Yeah, just allergies." Olivia looks at him dubiously, but hands him his coffee and opens the file.

~~~

"Hey, Rafael," Olivia said that night, "Weren't you supposed to visit your mother today?" Barba fights the tears.

"Yeah, she called and had to cancel." He said simply, turning back to the Mac&Cheese for Noah. Olivia watches him and knows somethings off.

~~~

"Adam, it's good to see you again." Olivia said, sitting down infront of the young man. She smiled when he hesitantly handed her some coffee. "How's your mother?" She asked, taking a sip. "How are you?"

"We're... Doing okay. It's still though, but we've gotten better." Olivia nods and decides to steer the conversation away from how they had met 10 years ago, when he was 19. It was a case, his sister of 9 had been found raped and killed by his father. She checked up with him every now and then.

"I heard you got a job at the Manhattan ADA office." She said, smiling kindly. He brightens up at the mention of his job.

"Yeah, it's great. Everyone is so nice and it's a nice lead into what I really want to do." Olivia has a feeling of what he wants to do, but she asks anyway.

"Oh, and what's that?"

"I want to become ADA for a unit of SVU."

"I'm sure you will be one day, and you'll be a great lawyer." He flashes her a smile. 

"Thanks, but until then, I'm stuck working traffic."

"Oh? Any interesting cases, or are they mostly people contesting speeding tickets?"

"No, no, those are handled by judges. I recently got one about a DUI and vehicular manslaughter."

"Oh, that's terrible."

"Yeah, apparently the cab driver had been drunk, swerved into an intersection during a red and got hit by another car."

"And the driver of the other car died?"

"No, both drivers survived, it was the passenger in the cab, Lucia Barba." Olivia's jaw dropped. "What, what did I say?"

"Nothing, it's just..." She needs to call Barba, "I..."

"Do you know her?"

"How many people do you know at the ADA office?"

"Not to many people, why?" 

"You've never heard of ADA Barba?" Adam put two and two together. 

"Yeah, I have. He's kinda my role model. Are you saying..."

"She's his mother."

"That's terrible. I'm so sorry, Olivia."

"I need to go talk to him." 

"I completely understand. Please do go." Olivia nods and starts to pull out money.

"Oh no, it's on me." Olivia's about to argue, but he stares at her with this look and she knows that she's not going to win this one.

"Thank you. And, Adam?" He looks up, "Nail him good."

"I will." 

~~~

"Rafi!" She calls out as she enters the apartment. Barba emerges a moment later from the bathroom.

"Liv? I didn't know you were going to be home so early, I thought you were meeting a friend."

"I was, and we got talking. He works in traffic, and Rafael,"

"You heard." He whispered. 

"Yeah, I'm so sorry." She said, pulling him close. She hears a little gasp and pulls away to find a few tears down his cheeks.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She asked.  

"I didn't tell you because I knew I wouldn't be able to tell you without crying." He says, stubbornly wiping a the few tears away.

"Why would that matter?" She asked kissing his forehead.

"You fell in love with the strong version of me, what if you hated me being weak?" He asked, a few more tears escaping.

"I don't care, Rafael, I love you no matter what." Barba quirks a tiny smile before breaking down, crying for real. Tear flooding down his cheeks with indignant little noises coming out of his mouth. Olivia grabs a blanket and wraps them up, rocking them back and forth. She simply holds him and let's him cry it out, slipping in a, "I know" every now and then. Neither of them know how long it goes on. Maybe minutes, maybe hours, but eventually Barba can't cry anymore.

"She was only 65." He whispers. Olivia grips him tighter as he starts to cry again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's where I'm going to leave it. Hope you enjoyed it, Jessica.


	29. New Year's Eve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is honestly mainly my own memories of New Year's Eve just written here. Jewel, I promise I didn't forget about your prompt, I just wanted to push out a New Year's Eve fic first, your's will be next.

"Can I stay up this year?" Noah asked, crunching on a cookie Olivia had handed him. 

"I don't know, Noah, you're a little too young..." Barba said, looking down at his 4 year old who promptly fell asleep at 8:00 every night. Noah looked up with his biggest Bambi eyes and his lip stuck out like an expert and, well, he was a sucker. "I guess it's okay, Mijo." Barba said, ruffling Noah's soft hair.

"Rafi!" Olivia said in shock. He looked up, confused. She shot him a series of glares to communicate that she wasn't happy with this ruling and they went to the kitchen. "He's too young, he's going to fall asleep."

"He'll be fine, and if he falls asleep, we can move him to his bed." Olivia still glared at him a little, "Come on, Cariño, it'll be fun. We'll play games, watch movies, it'll be a family night. We rarely get that." Olivia's face softened and smiled. "Also, you try to say no to that face." 

"Yeah, that's why we're going to the zoo once it gets warm out." Barba smiled. "He's pretty manipulative." Barba laughed then kissed Olivia. 

"It'll be fun, Cariño." 

~~~

"Again!" Noah demanded after the game ended. Both Barba and Olivia tried to avoid groaning at the prospect of a 10th game of chutes and ladders in a row.

"One more, love, then we'll watch a movie. You're choice."

"Lion king!" Noah said, perking up. 

"Great idea, love," Olivia said, tickling Noah, thanking God or _whoever_ for him choosing a Disney movie she not only could stand, but liked. "Why don't we give you a bath instead and you can wear your lion onesie?" 

"Yeah!" Noah said, jumping up.

"You wanna give him his bath or do you wanna clean up?" Olivia asked, looking at the disaster on the table. 

"I'll clean up. Meet in 15?" 

~~~

The movie goes as expected. There's the screams of terror, real ones from Noah and fake, at lease, hopefully fake, from Barba, at the hyena scene, there are tears at Mufasa's death, there are sing alongs from all three of them. By the end, Noah's slumping against Olivia. It's only 10:00.

"Love, do you want to go to sleep?" 

"Not tired..." He mumbles, but falls asleep seconds later. 

"Okay, this was your idea, so you're carrying him to bed." Olivia said with a smile. 

"You're the cop." He said, grumbling, but he picked Noah up and into his bed easily. 

~~~

"Should we wake him?" Olivia asked, staring at the clock. 11:50. 

"I think so, he'd want to see it."

"I dunno though..." 

"Come on, the worst, he falls back asleep." 

"Okay." 

~~~

"Sweetie, wake up." Olivia said, gently shaking Noah's shoulder. 

"Hmmm?"

"It's almost midnight, you want to see the ball drop?" Noah jumped up, completely awake.

"Yeah!" He ran out of the room and Barba shrugged. 

"See, I told you he'd be fine."

~~~

"3... 2... 1...!" 

"Happy New Year!" All three shouted. Olivia kissed Barba quickly then kissed Noah's cheek.

"Well, love, how was it?"

"That was it?"

"Yeah, it's a new year!"

"That's pretty boring." Barba and Olivia laugh. 

"Okay, go to bed."

"Will you read me a story?"

"First story of the year! Sure, why not!"

Noah giggled at his mother's silliness and grabbed a copy of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup, that's pretty much how I remembered it. I didn't fall asleep, but I remember finding it to be loud and a huge disappointment, then went to bed.


	30. Zoo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Jewel:
> 
> Do you think you could do a chapter where Barba, Olivia, and Noah go to the zoo or the carnival or something else?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Noah's about four, Olivia's word comes from last chapter, New Year's Eve, when Olivia said that she'd promised to take Noah to the zoo when it got warm out.

Olivia was a woman of her word, so when the weather warmed up, at least, enough were they wouldn't be freezing to death, and she finally got a day off, and Barba got a day off, she took them to the zoo. It was mid-February and they were all wrapped in coats and scarfs, mittens and hats with little Pom-Poms on them. It was cold, it was the middle of the week, Tuesday to be exact, and it was dark and gloomy. No-one was there, and Olivia couldn't wish for anything better.

"Where do you want to go first, love?" Olivia asked, opening a map and showing it to Noah. Noah grinned and didn't even look at the map before answering.

"Lions! Tigers!" Noah demanded, recently obsessed with big cats.

"Bears, oh my." Barba mutters and the reference flies straight over Noah's head but Olivia cracks a smile and let's out a small giggle. 

"Okay, honey, we'll go see the lions and tigers. Take my hand." Olivia stuck out her hand and Noah wrapped his hand around three of her fingers, his hands still tiny. Barba came around on the other side of Noah and grabbed his hand too, Noah inbetween them.

"Swing?" Olivia smiled and nodded to Barba.

"One... Two... Three!" Her last word was enunciated and they swung him, their hands gripping his little hands tightly. He flew forward a bit before swinging back and he giggled wildly. 

"Again!" Olivia smiled, happy to indulge her son's wishes today. They didn't even need to count and swung him forward again.

"Let's go see the Tigers now." They walk down the empty path, the stray person, stray family, here and there. Noah babbled at them, saying nothing important, but it was nice to hear her son talk. They listened and contributed when it was demanded.

"Look, can you see any, Noah?" Olivia asked as they walked up to the window. Noah hopped a few times, just short enough that the banister was blocking his view, and he whined. Barba picked him up.

"Yeah! There's two over there!" Noah said.

"Look, Noah, it's a map of where they live." Olivia said, pointing to the little map. Noah looked at it in fascination. 

"What's that mean?" He asked, pointing to the _Endangered._

"That means they're endangered, their population is getting smaller and smaller."

"So they'll be no more?"

"Unless we do something, yes." Noah looked sad.

"Hey, Mijo, just enjoy the day and there are things you can do to help."

"How?"

"Well, we could donate, you can raise awareness, you can use less of the resources that are required from their natural habitats." Noah smiled and looked happy again. 

"Lions?" He asked. Olivia nodded and they walked a bit, reaching the lions.

"Why do they look different?" Noah asked, pointing at a male and female.

"Because one's a male, the one with all the hair. The other is a female, called a lioness."

"That's a cool name!" Olivia smiled and started to read some of the information to him.

~~~

"You ready to go home, Mijo?" Barba asked, the sun just kissing the trees, the sky starting to turn the softest baby pink. They passed by a store and Olivia's mind clicked.

"You want a stuffed animal, love?" She asked, knowing it was going to be ridicously expensive, they always were at these places, but it would be worth it. Every cent for Noah to remember this day. A day of interrupted family time. They never got that.

"Yeah." Noah said, shyly. He was not one to ask for things easily, often turning down things they offered him even if he wanted it. He seldom asked for something. 

"Okay. Rafi, can you call a cab? It's going to be dark soon." Olivia shot him a glance that said,  _"and Noah's probably too tired to walk home."_ Barba nodded in understanding and slid his phone, which he hadn't touched yet today, to call up a cab as Olivia and Noah dissapered into the store. He waited and 8 minutes, or so, later they bounced out, a small little tiger in his hands. It was soft and plush and very white, a white tiger then.

"Then cute, Mijo. You wanna name it?" 

"Eliza." Noah said simply, not explaining the name. They just shrugged, kids were weird sometimes. 

~~~

"You have a good day, love?" Olivia asked, her lips brushing over the soft hair at Noah's forehead. She pressed a kiss and Noah smiled sleepily.

"Yeah, thank you." Eliza clutched in his hands, he fell asleep, his lips turned up, even in his sleep. Barba kisses Noah's forehead too, then they slip out, smiles on their faces at the perfect day they've had.


	31. Hurt(Or maybe not?) UPDATE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Jessica:
> 
> Do you think you could do a chapter where the squad knows about Olivia and Barba's relationship and they're skeptical about it and think Barba will hurt Olivia until Barba loses a case where a little girl had been sexually abused by a neighbor and he blames himself and he's hysterical afterwards and is completely freaking out about losing and Olivia comforts him and they see that Barba really does love her and she loves him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to my Carisi fans, but I felt I needed to do this when Barba was still newish, so there's Amaro instead. And to my Dodd friends, he's not here either! Cassidy, not a thing, 'Kay? Not a relationship that happened, so they're early 15th season, Munch and Cragen are still here though. Barba/Olivia going strong though.
> 
> Note: I've gotten a few comments pointing out that Barba wouldn't cry, at least, not easily, and I agree, so I'm re-writing just those parts.

"I can't believe it." Fin says, looking through the window where Barba and Olivia are talking,  _laughing,_ together. 

"Now, now," Munch chides Fin, "He could be good for her."

"Good for her on your bony ass." Amaro gets that look that he always gets when Fin manages to find another reference to Munch's 'bony ass' and says,

"I agree with Fin, he's such a jerk." He cracks his knuckles and his fists ball up a bit. Rollins watching this action can't help but think that Amaro would jump at the chance to punch the guy, and she can't blame him.

"And so soon after..." Rollins can't say the bastards name, but she knows they're all thinking it.

"That's even worse, praying on her weakness." Amaro states, sneering as Olivia, unaware of her colleagues stares through the glass, leans forward and places a soft kiss to the man's lips.

"Well, she did initiate it..." Rollins had to point out, in all fairness to the man.

"Yeah, but he should know better that she's still..." Amaro trails off, not wanting to say the word  _fragile_ because Olivia's anything but.

"I've known Olivia for a while now," Cragen, who's been surprisingly quiet through the discussion, says. He continues on, saying, "I don't want to see her get hurt again." They all have a quiet second of agreement, watching as Barba places another quick kiss to Olivia's lips, then walk away in the direction of the courthouse.

~~~

"Any plans tonight?" Amaro inquires of his partner as they're getting wrapped up to go out into the cold.

"Nope, just a quiet night in."

"With Barba?" Amaro asks, his voice tight around the man's name. 

"Yeah."

"You know..." Olivia sighs, tuning Amaro out, watching him get upset and protective and can't help but think how much he's like Stabler. 

"Yeah, thanks." Olivia says when his lecture's over, "Have a good night." And she walks out.

~~~

"Aren't you worried..." 

"No, I'm not."

~~~

"Not Guilty." Barba struggles to keep his face neutral, not to show the shock. He knew it was a hard case, but he thought he'd finally gotten the jury to his side. A quick glance to his right showed that at least three people were trying to avoid his gaze. He turned and shook the hand of the smug lawyer, giving him the normal, "Good case," and turns to leave, to tell the squad that they'd lost, when he sees her. The little girl, seven, scared, and clutching her stuffed animal in one hand, her mother's in the other. She looks up at him with sad eyes.

"You promised." She said, watching as he father's cuffs are taken off and he walks away, smiling. He starts whistling as he leaves the courtroom. "What's going to happen now?" Barba's not sure.

"You can either try for an appeal, or you can make sure your mother gets full custody so that he can never see you again." The mother nods, and uspoken gesture of what she's going to do, and starts to walk away.

"You promised." The girl whispers again, or maybe she didn't, but Barba's not sure. Either way, the words play through his mind. He knows he let her down, he knows it, and know he needs to go and tell the squad. He's glad that none of the squad were here today, so he can compose himself. He grabs a cup of coffee, walks into the squad room, and tells them, "We lost."

~~~

"We lost." All of the squad are stunned. "Four members couldn't agree with the rest."

"Four?" Amaro says unbelievengly.

"What's going to happen now?" Rollins asks.

"The mother didn't say it, but she's probably going to divorce him and make sure that he doesn't get custody." There's a long moment of silence where none of them know what to say, then suddenly Olivia grabs his hand and drags him into Cragen's empty office.

"That was weird." Amaro says and they all nod in agreement. They watch through the half closed blinds as Olivia seemingly asks him a bunch of questions, Barba deflecting, until he suddenly starts pacing the room. Then he starts shouting, yet they can't hear what he's saying, and Olivia's responding calmly. 

"Look at him, just yelling at her like that." Amaro says, fists clenching again.

"I don't know." Munch points out, "It looks more like he's upset." They say nothing and a minute later Olivia walks forward, grabs Barba's hands, says something gently, then wraps him in a hug. They watch as Barba's face visibly softens and he hugs her back.

"Wow," Amaro whispers...

~~~

"Let it out, Rafael."

"What are you talking about?"

"This rooms soundproof, let it out."

"I'm not upset."

"Rafi, we've been dating for two months now. You always pick at the inside of your left pocket when your upset. It's not obvious, but it's enough." Rafael stops, looks down, and realizes that for the last five minutes he's been playing with a small ball of lint in his pocket. 

"I let her down." Barba whispers, not facing Olivia's eyes. 

"Rafael, it's not your fault," Olivia says gently. 

"Yes it is. God, it's my fault. She's going to have to live with him on the lose." Rafael starts pacing, his hands wave slightly as he says, "He could get parental rights to her. Liv, he could get parental rights!"

"He won't, I promise." 

"He could though, he could! The man who molested her could legally get to see her whenever he wants." His voice has steadily been getting louder and louder until he's shouting. Not angry, no, Liv thinks. He's panicked, upset.

"No family judge in their right minds will give him parental custody, even if he was found not guilty." She says calmly.

"But just the knowledge that he's walking around! That girls going to be scarred for life."

"Yeah, she is, but she still would be if he were in jail."

"I should've excepted the deal." He runs a hand through his hair. 

"Three years, no parole, and he doesn't go on the list. No, you shouldn't have. You were right, Rafi, the jury were just idiots." Rafael stops pacing, just for a moment, looks at Olivia with eyes that scream that he's in pain, and says,

"I lived next door to them. And I didn't know. I saw the man every day, I could hear them through the walls sometimes, yet I still didn't know." He resumes pacing. 

"Why should you have? You're just their neighbor. Don't blame this on yourself, Rafael."

"I could've stopped, or prevented it, if I'd just paid attention. But I didn't, and now a girl's screwed up for life and the man who did it too her is walking around. Free as a bird, all because of me." Olivia walks up to her boyfriend, grabs his hands, forces him to look at her.

"You did the best you could, and that's all that can be expected of you. You worked hard to get him convicted, and you couldn't have known what was going on. I probably wouldn't if I was in your situation, and as for losing... Life's unfair, sometimes we're given bad juries, sometimes we don't get enough evidence, sometimes, and this kills me and keeps me going, but sometimes the bad guys win." Olivia wraps him in a hug and for a minute, he does nothing. Then he wraps his arms around her and pull her tightly to him, whispering in her ear,

"I should've known." 

"But you couldn't have." 

"I know." He admits, but she can still hear the hurt in his voice. He's probably never going to forgive himself, but she knows he'll be okay.

~~~

"Yeah." Fin agrees watching next to him. They have no idea what they were saying, but it didn't matter. The way they acted, the way they talked to each other, the way they were clinging to each other through the pain. They all knew it was real, that they truly loved each other, and that Barba would never purposfully hurt her.

"Guess we were wrong." Rollins says.

"She'll be fine." Cragen says, a smile on his face, pleased to see Olivia was finally happy. 


	32. Amaro and His words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Rachel:
> 
> Maybe you could do one where the squad tells Barba to his face that it's his fault that Lewis hurt Olivia because if he'd gotten him in the first place, none of this would have happened and that Olivia blames him too. Olivia doesn't know they said this to Barba and she has feelings for him so when she asks him out, he tells her no because he doesn't want to hurt her again. Olivia's hurt because she thought Barba liked her too until she finds out why he said no and she yells at the squad for saying what they said to Barba.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Rachel; sorry this took soooo long, but I've been really busy. I also don't normally diverge from the prompt, but I just couldn't imagine anyone really blaming Barba except for Amaro... hope that's enough. 
> 
> So, sorry to my Amaro fans out there, I didn't like him particularly, so he's getting the brunt of this. Also, no Cassidy/Olivia relationship.
> 
> Also, foul language warning. Really only the F word a few times.

Barba runs a hand through his hair, looking at the gorgeous women he adored in front of him, eagerly waiting for an answer. He wants to say yes, the word ghosting over his lips; he can taste it on his tongue. Yes, yes,  _yes._

"No"

~~~

_Three Months Earlier:_

"Olivia's been kidnapped." Amaro informs him over the phone.

"What?" Barba's brow crinkles in disbelief and immediate worry. 

"Lewis got her, the fucker." Amaro spit out, Barba clearly hearing the anger and spit in his voice. And something else, a bit of panic and fear.

"Okay," Barba lets out a breath, "Okay. Any leads?"

"Nothing yet, but it's definitely him. Her apartment is ransacked." Barba presses the receiver to his head, feeling sick, before saying,

"I'm so sorry. Anything I can do to help?" Amaro snorts over the line.

"Stay the _fuck_ away. This is your fault."

"What?" 

"If you'd nailed the bastard, and not  _let him go on bail, OLIVIA MIGHT BE OKAY!"_ Amaro was yelling over the phone, such raw anger in his voice that Barba knew the words were true. Each one stung, but he shook it off and responded, "Okay." He put down the receiver, shook his head, then called his superior to start procedures to find Lewis.

~~~

_Three days later:_

"Olivia." Barba breathed in the doorway, walking up to her hesitantly. "I'm so sorry."  _That I got you hurt._ Barba thinks, but he doesn't add that.

"DON'T" Olivia growls at him. "Don't." She whispers softly again, tears sliding down her face. "I don't need your pity too."

"I'm sorry." Barba says again. He sits down next to her.

~~~

_An hour later:_

"Why were you talking to Olivia?" Amaro asks as he exits the hospital room. There are two cups of coffee in his hand and the left one is becoming crumpled as Amaro tightens his grip around it.

"Why couldn't I?" Barba asks.

"You're a piece of shit, you know that?" Barba's brow creases ever so slightly, the only sign of confusion on his face, "I meant what I said three days ago, it's your fault."

"I..."

"She blames you, you know?" Barba has real trouble believing that, considering she'd let him into her hospital room for an entire hour. There's a little voice in the back of his mind, which he usually doesn't listen too, that points out that she was very reluctant to talk to him, saying only a few words. He tries to push it away, but, what if...? Amaro's voice brings him out of his thoughts and back into reality. "Just, stay away from her." Amaro brushes past him, bumping shoulders with him on purpose. And Barba does, he avoids her for half a month, until they become work friends again, but the thought stays in his mind the whole time. That it was his fault.

~~~

_Present day:_

"No thank you." Barba says, then starts walking away. He hates himself, he hates that those words came out of his lips, but looking over his shoulder, he sees Olivia, the arm still in the sling, and thinks to himself, 'I can't hurt her again'

~~~

_Three days later:_

"Why not?" Olivia inquires. They're working on paperwork next to each other. I'd been quiet, neither of them saying anything for 5 minutes, until Olivia's voice broke the silence. Barba looked at her in shock.

"Why not what?" He knows what she's talking about though.

"Why won't you go out with me?"

"I don't want to hurt you again." 

"You've... Never hurt me." Olivia says, shock in her voice.

"Yeah, I have."

"What are you talking about, Barba?" Barba looks over at her. Should he tell her? Amaro's her partner, there's a bond there he can't break, but she looks so hurt at his rejection, so confused. 

"If I'd managed to put him away, he wouldn't have hurt you."

"Oh." Olivia whispers, understanding. 'There, she hates you' Barba thinks. Instead of getting up and walking away, Olivia says, incredulously, "You idiot. Why would you believe that's you fault?"

"I..."

"You did the best you could, it's in no way your fault." She uses two fingers to turn his head toward hers, forcing him to look into her eyes, and asks, "Do you think it is?" He shrugged. "Did someone tell you it was?"

"I, it's not important, it's true."

"Rafael," Barba's shocked at the use of his first name, "It's not, it never was and never will be, your fault; who told you that it was?"

"It's not important."

"Rafael..." He doesn't say anything. She grabs his hand and rubs gentle circles on it, "Do it for me, okay?" 

"Amaro." He whispers and her grip tightens. 

~~~

_An hour later:_

Amaro gasps as he's slammed into the lockers of the changing room.

"Olivia, what...?"

"Why'd you say that to Barba?" Amaro looks confused.

"I..."

"Why on earth would you tell him that it's his fault?" Amaro puts two and two together.

"Cause it's true."

"It is not! The man did everything he could to put him in jail, then did everything he could to help find me, then talked to me in my hospital bed. Why on earth do you think it's his fault?"

"I..."

"You know what? I don't want to hear what flimsy excuse you have." She walks out of the changing room.

"Olivia..." Amaro calls after her, but all he gets for a response is the slam of the door. 

~~~

_Three days later:_

Amaro watches Olivia come in with a smile, but say nothing to him.

"Olivia, I'm sorry." He says. She glares at him for a moment, then melts a bit when she sees that he truly is.

"I don't think I'm the one you should be saying that too." She sips her coffee and starts to work. Barba? Amaro thinks. Yeah, he probably owed him an apology too.

"I'll give it to him as soon as I see him." Olivia hums happily. Amaro looks at her sheepishly before asking, "Are we okay?"

"Once you apologize to him, maybe."

"How'd you find out?"

"I knew something wasn't right when he said no to me asking him out." Amaro fought to keep his jaw in place.

" _You_ asked him out?"

"And he said no. Wondered why, turned out he felt guilty and didn't want to hurt me again." Amaro smiles.

"He's a good man."

"Yeah." Olivia says, smiling.

"Are you guys going to go out now?" Olivia looks over her shoulder, checking that they were the only ones there and that no one would over hear.

"Went out last night, don't tell the captain." Olivia said, her eyes twinkling.

"I'm happy for you." He says honestly.

"You still need to apologize. You can do that when you take these over." Olivia said, her eyes twinkling for an entirely different reason, as she gave him a stack of paperwork. Amaro smiled and was more than happy to do it.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm leaving the apology up to your own imaginations. Sorry if Amaro was horrible, but I haven't watched any of the season with Amaro for over a year and a half now.
> 
> Also, I'd love if anyone has title suggestions as I am completely stumped, since I've used Hurt before... Any ideas?


	33. Bedside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Clarice:
> 
> Do you think you could do an instance where Liv ends up in the hospital and Barba refuses to leave her side until she wakes up but when she does, Fin is there and she asks why he's there and he tells her that Barba went for a somewhat forced coffee break and Liv asks if Tucker had been by but Fin admits that he hasn't and that it's been Barba who's stayed with her the entire time and it's then that she realizes that she has feelings for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been sooooo long since I've posted, but it's been kinda hectic, still is, but it'll slow down after this week and I'll get some more Barsony goodness out to you all.
> 
> Anyway, I put in dates to make it very clear when something happened ;)
> 
> I feel like I haven't said it recently, but sorry for any grammar(and spelling, the autocorrect on my iPad is terrible and I cannot figure out how to turn it off) errors.

_January 11th, 2016, 10:30 am:_

"Freeze, NYPD!" Olivia calls out, her right hand sliding down to her hostler and pulling out her gun. She points it left to right and to left again, no idea where the man was in the crippling dark. Carisi, and his lanky limbs, knocks into a window and drags the paper off of it, thank God for small miracles, flooding the room with sunlight. The man was at most 5 yards to her right and she quickly points her gun at him. "Hands up." The guy complies, lifting his hands slowly. Olivia starts to put her gun down and go to him, repeating the same words of, "Mr. Harrison, you're under arrest for the..." when the guy, knowing Olivia's defenses were down, pulls out a gun and points it at her heart. The man was only 5 feet away now and he had good aim. Olivia, even after all these years, feels the fear creep up in her.

"Put down the gun." The man insists and Olivia complies, as her training tells her to, and she comes back up, her hands raised. She doesn't know if Carisi's put down his gun yet, she can't see him, but she's thinking,  _Don't shoot, not yet._

"You don't have to do this."

"Yes I do. You guys were going to arrest me, I'm sure you've found DNA results, I'm going to prison. Look at me," The man looks down at his own body in distaste before reposition the gun, taking another step forward, "I'm not going to survive long in prison."

"Yes you can, you can get a deal, we'll..."

"Oh don't give me that crap. This isn't a crime T.V. Show." The man cocks the gun and she can see his hands visibly shaking on the trigger. There's a gunshot, maybe two, and a shooting pain in her shoulder. She falls over and the pain is immediate, along with the shout from Carisi. 

"Come on, Lieu," Carisi says as he applies pressure to the wound. Carisi's babbling at her, something about hanging in there, but all there is is a blinding pain, the feeling of blood seeping down her body, sticking her shirt against her chest. She groans, moves her head to the right, and starts to close her eyes.

"Olivia, stick with me!"

Olivia tries, she really really does, but it's so easy to just let herself go. As blackness starts to envelop her, she thinks about Noah. Noah Noah Noah.

~~~

_January 12th, 2016, 9:55 pm:_

Olivia opens her eyes to a white room. She blinks blearily a couple of times before raising her head and seeing Fin in the doorway, staring at her from across the room.

"Fin?" She mutters. She raises her right hand and feels her hair. Greasy. "How long has it been?" 

"A day and a half." He whispers, coming by her side, "The doctor's weren't sure you were going to make it."

"What happened?"

"Carisi shot the guy and as he was falling, the guy pulled the trigger and shot you in the shoulder, narrowly missing your heart." 

"How's Carisi? How's the guy?"

"Carisi's... Shocked. He killed the guy, solid shoot, but... I don't think he's really killed many people." Olivia shakes her head.

"So what are you doing here?" She asked.

"I forced Barba to take a coffee break; the only way I could get him to leave was by agreeing that I'd be here if, when, you wake up." Fin smiles and sits down next to her, "But I want to be here anyway. 15 years Liv, you gave me a scare." Fin whispers. Olivia doesn't know what to say, so there's a quiet moment.

"Is Noah okay?" Olivia asks, suddenly, trying to get out of bed. Fin pushes her back down.

"He's fine. Lucy was more than willing to stay for that time, she says you don't have to pay her, and-"

"Oh, she's getting paid." Olivia interrupts. 

"And she told Noah that you've just been gone on a case, so she didn't scare him, in case... I'll call Lucy if you want, have her bring him by, explain what happened." Olivia nodded.

"And Tucker? Where's he been?" Fin looks uncomfortable at best, shifting in his seat and avoiding the question. "Well, what aren't you telling me."

"He didn't' come by." Fin says, avoiding her gaze, "In fact, I haven't heard from him." Olivia processes this information, a little unbelieving of this fact, and something Fin says comes into her mind.

"You said Barba was here, that you forced him away?"

"Yeah, that man hasn't left your side..."

~~~

_January 11th, 2016, 5:45 pm:_

"You're going to have to leave, sir, visiting hours ended 15 minutes ago; only family can stay past this time." A nurse tells him. Barba looks up, his eyes bleary.

"I can't, I have to be here when she wakes up."

"I'm sorry, but..." The nurse presses.

"I'm not leaving unless you get a security guard to drag me out." Barba replies, menace in his voice, gripping Olivia's hand tighter. The nurse sighs, leaves the room, and Barba knows she's calling a security guard. He sighs, let's go of the hand, and calls a number; a very old favor was going to be cashed in for this.

"Alexandra Cabot. If you're calling to scam me, it's a waste of your time." Barba smiles.

"Hi, Alex." Barba says.

"Rafael? It's been years!" Alex proclaims in shock, "Years since I talked to anyone from SVU. I'm not even in New York."

"I know, and I know we didn't know each other well,"

"Oh stop that, we were in the same law classes, we suffered together. Why are you calling?"

"I need a favor. Isn't your aunt on the board of Mercy hospital?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Can you call her, try to get her to let me stay with a patient?"

"Who? What happened?"

"Olivia was shot, she hasn't woke up yet." Barba hears a little sharp intake of breath.

"I'll try my best to convince her. Until then, you will have to leave the room." Barba sighs, but gets up, seeing the security guard coming anyway. 

~~~

_January 12th, 2016, 9:30 pm:_

Barba woke with a start. Then panicked, looking at the clock to see how long he had been asleep for: 5 minutes. He looked down at Olivia. Still unconscious. Barba bit his lip in worry, fighting the urge to place that one strand of hair behind her ear. Barba rubbed his head, a pounding headache had developed during the night(thankfully, Alex had been able to get him into the room), and he probably could get something for it, he was in a hospital, but he'd probably had to go through a bunch of paperwork, and honestly, he couldn't do that right now. Not for a few advils.

"Barba?" Fin asked, walking into the room, and Barba rubbed his head harder. "You look terrible, how long have you been in here?" 

"Since yesterday."

"Have you had any coffee or sleep?" Barba shook his head.

"I couldn't leave."

"Go, get coffee, I honestly think you're going into withdrawal." Barba panicked.

"I can't leave, what if she wakes up alone?"

"I'll stay, you go." Barba hesitated. He didn't want to leave, really didn't, but Fin was right, he was going into withdrawal. The headache, the stiff muscles, the sleepiness, the lethargy.

"Yeah okay, 20 minutes." Barba said firmly, walking out.

~~~

_January 12th, 2016, 10:03 pm:_

"Really, Barba's been here the whole time?" Not Tucker, but Barba, by her bedside, waiting for her to wake up? She can't help but smile a little.

"Wouldn't leave your side for a minute." Fin confesses. As if on cue, Barba re-enters the room, coffee in hand.

"Olivia." Barba breathed in relief, and Fin quietly showed himself out. "Are you okay? When'd you wake up?"

"I'm fine, I woke up about 10 minutes ago." Barba, for once in his life, looked at a loss for words. He finally simply stated, 

"I'm glad you're okay." 

"So I heard you stayed here." There's a silence with tension that was palpable.

"Fin told you?"

"Yeah. You didn't have to do that."

"Well, I didn't want you to be alone when you woke up." Olivia smiled and swore her heart actually swelled. 

"Come here." Barba came by her bedside and, with some difficulty, Olivia sat up and kissed him. Barba pulled away immediately and Olivia felt terrible. "I'm so so sorry!" Olivia proclaims.

"No, it's okay... Just, what about Tucker?"

"Him? Things have been going downhill for weeks and he didn't even call Fin, much less stay by my bedside, unlike  _some_ people."

"Are you sure? You haven't even broken up with the man."

"Do you not want to?"

"No, it's just..."

"I promise I'll let him down easy, but, after that, can I take you to dinner on Friday?" Barba smiled, sat down by her bed, and grabbed her hand.

"Dinner would be nice."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wasn't connected to any particular case and I thought it'd be cute if Alex and Barba had been friends in Law school and Alex would totally have connections(which means Barba would have connections...)


	34. Jerk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Nikki:
> 
> Barba and Olivia are dating and one time he overhears the squad bad mouthing him, saying how he's a jerk and how he treats them all like they're stupid and doesn't care about the victims he only cares about himself, so he complains to Olivia about it who says if he showed his soft side with them like he does with her, they wouldn't say those things anymore so Barba tries to be nicer to them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Nikki, so sorry this took so long, I just could not get into the writing mood lately. Anyway, here it is, I hope you(and others) like it 
> 
> Takes place in the 15th season, after Lewis(like, months after), no Cassidy/Benson relationship, and Olivia hasn't become Noah's foster mother yet(that happens at the end of the 15th season)

They're sitting on her couch, the old worn out one that she really should throw away at this point, but it had been a gift from _him_ all those years ago and she guesses she's sentimental about it at this point. They're sitting side by side, they're bodies pressed tightly together, their hands intertwined on Rafael's lap. He's stroking her soft skin and she smiles. The moment's perfect, companionable silence between the two, as they sip fine red wine and reflect on the day.

"Do you think I'm a jerk?" Rafael asks, breaking the moment. 

_~~~_

_Earlier that morning:_

Barba walked in as normal; quiet squeak of his shiny shoes on the tile floors and a sense of dignity beneath the suit and tie, papers in his right hand and coffe in the left. The kind of presence you notice or don't notice. Today, the squad doesn't notice. As he gets closer and closer to the room, their voices become more clear. 

"He's a jerk." Barba hears Amaro say in his normal self righteous voice. _That better not be my witness he's talking about_ Barba thinks to himself. He stays still, just hidden behind the doorway, but close enough to hear.

"Come on, I think that's a bit of a stretch." Munch's voice wafts out, always the most ready to accept someone. He hears Fin tsk and he can almost imagine them standing next to each other, hands brushing together in "secret" from the others. Like they all did already know.

"He only cares about himself," _Him? Definetly_ not _my witness then,_ Barba thinks. "It's like he doesn't care about the victims at all," _Victims? A police officer? Detective? Maybe a chief,_  Barba ponders this idea, "He puts them on the stand, whether or not they want to or they're emotionally ready." _Oh,_ is all Barba can think at the realization that they're talking about him. 

"He cares about his win to lose ratio the most." Rollins points out and it hurts. Barba hangs his head.

"Yeah, and it's not like he's any better to us." Amaro says.

"What are you talking about? The man works up and down to get us impossible warrants." Munch defends him.

"He thinks we're all idiots; like he's the only smart one in the room." Amaro scoffs. 

Barba turns to leave, important papers in his hand forgotten. 

_So that's what they really think..._

_~~~_

_Back to present moment:_

"No! Why would you think that?" He can't tattle on the squad; that's babyish and very unprofessional.

"I just thought maybe you thought,"

"Rafi, honey, you're stuttering." She grips his hand tighter, knowing the collected lawyer in him _never_ did that. "Who put this idea into your head?"

"I don't,"

"Want to tell. So it's someone important to me. Was if Amaro." Barba remains silent. "Rollins? Fin? Munch?"

"NO! Not Munch."

"But the rest of the squad." Barba hangs his head. "What did they say?"

"They said that I think they're stupid and that all I care about is my win to lose ratio and not the victims." Rafael spits out in a stream of words.

"Love, look at me." Rafael looks up, facing that dark and intense gaze, " _I_ know you don't think they're stupid, _I_ know you don't care about your win to lose ratio, and _I_ know that you do care about the victims. You know why this is? It's because you let me see the real you, not the lawyer who tries to get justice for the victims, not the brave and stone faced person you have to be."

"What am I supposed to do about it?"

"You could try being nicer to them, like you are with me."

"Oh, I'm sweet to you am I?" Olivia nods, "How did you trick that out of me?" Olivia rolls her eyes at him. "Roll your eyes at me, will you?" He puts down their glasses before attacking her side, wriggling his fingers against the most sensitive part of her body. Giggles burst out of her immeditly and she's thrashing around, kicking him by accident every now and then, but he doesn't mind, continuing on his relentless tickling

"Rafi, Rafi, stop it!" He continues a few more seconds until finally giving up. She takes a while to catch her breath, a few extra giggles coming out while she takes in large amounts of air. "I take it all back; you are a jerk." She says playfully after she's finally recovered. He smiles and kisses her softly. 

~~~

_Two Weeks Later:_

Barba's been trying his best to be kinder to the squad. He's brought them coffee several times, he's stopped to actually meaningfully talk to them, he's been kinder about warrants and witnesses. He's been kinder _to_ witnesses, only seeming callous with those witnesses who actually require that kind of push to get into the witness box.

The squad's taken notice; he just hope it's enough to convince them that he's not a jerk. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my mind, yeah, they realize he is a sweet guy underneath it all. Yes, that was some Munch/Fin you saw in there; I ship it and I love it. Also, if it's confusing, I use Barba/Rafael interchangeably based on the context. If he's with the squad, it's Barba, but when he's currently in a relationship and is with Olivia, it's Rafael. Hope that makes sense ;)


	35. ¡Papí me enseñó!(Daddy taught me!)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Jessica:
> 
> Maybe you could do a chapter where teaches Noah spanish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, basically I'm going off of a few honor's high school Spanish classes and word reference, an online translating dictionary(for more languages than just Spanish), I highly recommend it, it's amazing. No google translate use as that thing is terrible. Anyway, sorry for any Spanish errors and please feel free to correct me.
> 
> Hope this is what you were looking for, Jessica

Rafael smiled when he finished the book and closed it with a small thump so as not to wake Noah, who had fallen asleep halfway through with a little grin on his face at his father's silliness. Rafael slid the book back into place on the shelf and went to kiss Noah goodnight before leaving the room. He gently brushed the hair out of Noah's eyes, and the boy stirred a little, and kissed his forehead.

"Bueno Noche, mijo, te amo(Good Night, my son, I love you)." He whispered, pressing another small kiss, then leaving the room.

~~~

"Papí?" Noah asked, chewing on some cereal the next morning. "What did you say to me last night?"

"What do you mean, Noah?" 

"You said something that I didn't understand." Rafael suddenly recalled that he'd spoken to Noah in Spanish the night before.

"Bueno Noche, mijo, te amo." Rafael repeated. Noah looked at him, confused.

"Yeah, that! What does it mean?"

"It means  _good night, my son, I love you_." 

"That's Spanish, right?" Rafael nodded. "Like you speak to Abuela?"

"That's right."

"Can you teach me Spanish?" Rafael's spoon clatters to the floor at the request. "Was that bad? I'm sorry, you don't have to tea-" Noah squeaks as he's enveloped in a tight hug. "Papí!" He complains. 

"Pardon." Rafael says, releasing the small boy. "Sí, te ensenaré español, mijo(Yes, I will teach you Spanish, my son)."

"What does that mean?"

"It means,  _yes, I will teach you Spanish, my son_."

"Thank you, Papí!" Noah said, wrapping his father in a tight hug of his own.

~~~

Rafael had never taught somebody a language before, but for his own son and  _Spanish,_ he was more than willing try. 

"Okay, Mijo, let's go over them again." Rafael said, holding up Noah's color cards which he'd dug out of the "storage room" to practice.

"Azul(Blue)." Rafael nodded and held up another. "Verde(Green)...Negro(Black)... ...." Noah didn't mess up once. Rafael was glad it took so little practice. Then he was glad that Noah was so young and would learn the language quickly. 

"You want to go over animals again?" Rafael asked, pulling out Noah's animal box, to which Noah eagerly responded.

"Pájaro(Bird)..."

~~~

About 2 weeks in, Rafael realized he'd never told Olivia that he was teaching Noah Spanish and, inquiry proved, that Noah had never brought it up to her either; the two of them quickly agreed that it would be their secret, a surprise for mamí when Noah was better at the language. And he was getting better every day.

5 months in, Noah could keep up, but with poor grammar, something that could be fixed by some grammar lessons and just speaking it more.

"No, Noah, tú estas en el preterite pero tu necesitas estar en el futuro(No, Noah, you are in the present tense but you need to be in the future tense)."

"¿Comó se dice  _yo tengo hambre y come cena_ en el futuro?(How do you say I am hungry and eat dinner in the future tense)" Noah asks, knowing that his father preferred them to speak only in Spanish when possible to help his fluency. 

"Necesitas cambiar el verbo comer; es, yo tengo hambre y _comeré_ cena.(You need to change the verb to eat; it is, I am hungry and will eat later)" 

~~~

Parenting is about teaching your kids; it's about teaching them about the world around them, about teaching them the facts of life, and sometimes, it's just about teaching. 7 months in, Rafael can proudly say that Noah is fluent in Spanish. 7 months in, they decide to let mamí know about their little secret.

"How was you day, love?" Olivia asks, shelling out some food onto Noah's plate for him.

"Yo tuve una buena día, gracias, ¿y tú?(I had a good day, thanks, and you)" Olivia stopped what she was doing to stare at Noah.

"¿Tú comprendes Español? ¿Tú hablas esta?(You understand Spanish? You speak Spanish?)" Noah nodded a grin forming on his face. 

"¡Papí me ensenó!(Daddy taught me)" Olivia spun around to face Rafael who had a sheepish grin.

"¿Es verdad?(Is it true)" Rafael nodded slowly.

"Noah progresandó muy bien y habló con fluidez por... ¿un mez?(Noah progressed very well and talked fluently for a month)" Noah nodded happily. "Un mez."  

"¡Tú eres increíble!(You are incredible)" 

"¿En una forma buena o mala?(In a good or bad way?)"

"Buena, decididimente(Good, definitely)" Olivia pauses for a second, then sends a glare at both of her boys. "¿Por que tú no me dijo?(Why did you not tell me?)" Both of them gulp before diving into the explanation of it being a "secret" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just some words I didn't define in the piece itself: Papí, Mamí, Abuela, Mijo is daddy, mommy, grandma, my son(respectively) 
> 
> Again, please tell me if there are any Spanish errors(or English if they really pop out...)
> 
> Also, I'm not crazy about the title, so, suggestions! If you have any...


	36. Dynamic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Clara:
> 
> Could you do a chapter where Barba is confused as to why the whole squad visits him in the hospital because he thought they hated him but it turns out that they like him?

When Barba gets hurt, it's not in the courtroom; no, that's way too crime t.v. It's not easy to get a weapon, gun or any other kind, through the security at the entrance of the courthouse. No, Barba gets hurt just walking along the street. By not looking behind him when he hears a noise. And he doesn't really remember  _how,_ or who did it, or even why anymore, but he does remember what happened after. And he may never ever forget it, for it changed his life.

~~~

_June 5th, 2013:_

Barba walked along the old road, the orange light flickering and flickering, and cursed the cheap city budget that it couldn't be fixed, as he's plunged into true darkness for the next 10 feet. His feet catch on the gravel sidewalk and he wished he could've caught a cab, but it'd been game night, and by the time he'd manage to leave the office, all the cabs had been taken by fans wanting to go back home or to their motels. Barba grumbles something under his breath, a profanity, as his foot catches on another piece of gravel and he nearly goes head first into the road. 

Then he hears it. A shuffle of feet behind him. He ignores it, and he continues walking down the street, only a couple of yards from his apartment. 

"Hey, Barba." A voice calls out, and the deep gruffness of it chills him to the bone. He continues walking. "Turn around." He doesn't, and keeps the same pace. He never even sees his attacker before there's a blinding pain in his shoulder and he's on the ground, bleeding into the sidewalk. He's stunned, and in shock, and can't do anything. The pain is overwhelming, and he soon passes out.

~~~

_June 6th, 2016:_

"Rafael?" A soft voice interrupts his sleep and his eyes blearily open. He squints, taking in the sterile white conditions around him. He blinks again and his lips unconsciously turn up into a grin as his gaze is met by Olivia's deep chocolate eyes. "Rafael." She smiles and that's all it takes for him to start feeling better.

"Liv." He whispers. It comes out weak and he's shocked by how pathetic it sounds. "What happened?"

"You were shot."

"Really?" Rafael asks, his voice dripping with sarcasm. " _Who_ shot me?"

"Don't know, was hoping you could tell us?" 

"Sorry, I never turned around."

"Was there anyone giving you threats?"

"Not that I remember."

"Well, we'll deal with all that later. Hopefully you can remember something, but first, the squad wants to see you."

"The squad?"

"Yeah, they're really worried."

"I thought..."

"You thought what, Rafi?"

"I thought that they didn't like me." 

"Don't be ridiculous, Barba." Fin says as he enters the room, Carisi and Rollins on his heels. 

"Yeah, couldn't stop worrying about you." Rollins said, smiling warmly, "Doctors said you might not make it. You were lucky your neighbor came home soon enough to find you before it was..."

"Rachel? Yeah, she always comes home at about the same time as me. But, why?"

"Why what, counselor?" Carisi asks.

"Why visit me, why worry? I thought you guys hated me?" Barba tries to sit up, but he's shushed and pushed down by Olivia.

"Sure, when you're denying a warrant, or some other silly reason, we get annoyed, but that doesn't mean we hate you." Rollins says.

"I used to fight all the time with Novak and Cabot, but we were good friends too." Fin points out.

"Wait, is this why you're always declining our invitations to join us at the bar?" Carisi asks. 

"Well..."

"Okay, the second you get back on your feet, we are taking you for a drink, no exceptions." Barba chuckles.

"Fine, if you insist, take me kicking and screaming." 

"I think you'll find we're all a lot more fun outside of the workplace, counselor." Carisi says.

"Yeah, you might run from the room when you discover how much "fun" we are." Fin says, thinking of all the antics they got up to while at the bar.

"Will you at least knock my name down to Barba?" He asks Carisi.

"I know, I keep trying to get him to knock the Lieu or lieutenant down to Olivia outside of the workplace." Liv says.

"Hey, I tell you all that I'll do it when you start calling me Sonny."

"No one every calls you that,  _Sonny._ " Fin says.

"Fine, if you very much insist, Dominick." 

"Only Amanda calls you that." Fin says. The blonde blushes, since she's only started calling him that since that night with the spaghetti and bad reality t.v.

"Yeah, well, something other than my-" Barba stops listening and smiles. He finally feels like he's part of the banter, part of the dynamic of the squad. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, there was both Barson and Rollisi here.


	37. Bring me Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Jessica:
> 
> Can you do a chapter where Barba comforts Olivia when Noah gets hurt?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while and I have no excuse, just didn't feel like writing. Sorry everyone. 
> 
> Also, I've never broken a bone... no idea what it feels like, how long the pain lasts, what it's like to wait for x-rays, so please, correct me if I got details wrong. I know it's usually hours long wait just to get seen, but I figured since it happened at a school, he might get quicker treatment... again, correct me if I'm wrong please. Thank you.

It's a slow day in the office, yet no one complains of the lack of a case and the dreary paperwork; they're all glad to have a break from the horrors of the city. They're taking a break, which is difficult since they were hardly doing work anyway, and laughing, tossing paper balls at each other, poking fun, the norm. Even Barba's shed his waistcoat and joined in, slightly, laughing with the rest of them, but of course not throwing anything. And then it all goes wrong.

~~~

"No, I totally got you!" Rollins growls, holding Carisi in a fake head lock. Olivia can't help but notice that Carisi's not particularly struggling, looking up at Rollins, but making sure to throw ina struggle or a snarky comment every now and then to keep up appearances. _Anytime now, if not already_ Olivia thinks to herself with a smile as Rollins releases Carisi with an affectionate swat to the head and a hair ruffle.

"Okay, since Rollins, "won"" Fin says, puttting the word one in quotation marks. 

"Hey, I totally won!"

"I'm playing her." Just as Fin crumples a few more pieces up does her phone ring. Everyone freezes, scared, knowing that they may have to face the realization of case. Olivia looks at her phone screen and her breath catches.

"Excuse me." She says, walking into her office, closing the door then the blinds. 

"What was that about?" Fin asks, crumpling more paper. Everyone looks to Barba who just shrugs. They follow suit, lifting their shoulders in mild disinterest, then continuing with the game. 

"Fin, you're in charge. Let's go, Rafael." Olivia says, pulling on her coat and shoving her phone into her pocket at the same time, a huge amount of urgency shown.

"Cariño, what's wrong?" Barba asks, shucking on his waistcoat, running after her and leaving the bewildered squad behind.

"Noah's in the hospital, fell of the jungle gym." Barba stopped. "Rafi! We need to get moving." She urges him, waiving him on, rushing. 

"Did they say what injuries he sustained?"

"They said something about broken bones."

"Bones? Multiple?" Olivia nodded. 

"Cariño, you're panicking, let me drive." Olivia looks like she's going to argue, but then at the last moment tosses him the keys. 

"Mercy hospital, quick." Barba nods, and drives as quick as he can under the legal limit.

"I hope he's okay, God, it's my fault."

"What, why?"

"I told him to be more adventurous, try new things." Olivia groans and places her head in her hands. "And he climbed the jungle gym and fell off. If I hadn't..."

"Livvy, I love you, but you're being crazy." Olivia glares at him through tears. 

"I just want him to be safe, and then I tell him to go and get his arm broken." Barba opens his mouth to argue more, but they're at the hospital and the second he's parked, Olivia's out the door, running. Barba sighs and turns off the engine. He's admitted nervous for his son, but Olivia's full out panicking. He finds her at the desk, demanding to see her son, badge pulled out. 

"Liv, he'll be fine."

"What if he broke his right arm?" She asks while they're waiting. "What if he can't play sports."

"Cariño." He asks, laughing slighlty, "He hates sports."

"Or his arm will be impaired and he can't be a cop, you know he wants to be a cop. Noah!" She yells, running up to him, squeezing him tight, avoiding his arm.

"Mommy, it hurt."

"I know, Love, I know. But you have to be really really brave and let the doctor's take photos and make you better." She says, petting his hair and showering him with kisses. A doctor comes in and asks Noah to come with him. A few hours later, the result is that his arm is broken along with 2 fingers, which were caused when he fell full impact of his right arm. They placed the casts and Noah already made Olivia and Rafael write on his green cast, excited to have his friends sign it tomorrow. 

"What if he can't be a cop?" Olivia whispers, clutching her glass of wine and Rafael's hand in her other hand.

"He will. He's young, broken bones at that age heal quickly and well."

"It's going to hurt and itch." Olivia whimpers, sipping more wine. Rafael takes it away. 

"Liv, you need to calm down. Lots of kids break bones. Hell, most adults break bones. I have. Sure, it'll hurt and itch and he can't draw like he likes too, but he'll work around it. He might even become ambidextrous, which would be pretty cool." Olivia gives a little bubble of laughter, but then goes back to gloomy. "Mi amor, he'll be completely fine and it wasn't your fault." Olivia gives a shy grin.

"Thanks." 

"For what?"

"Bringing me down." Rafael just wraps his arms around her. 


	38. What Was That?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Emma:
> 
> At a bar or some sort of gathering everyone's hanging out waiting on Benson to arrive. barba and carisi are left alone or go to get drinks or what have you. carisi is giving barba shit about liking Benson. barba finally blows up on carisi with some sort of oh yes and I'll just walk right up to her and proclaim my love blah blah blah whatever. Benson is standing behind him and overhears it all

"What was that?" Three simple words. Three words that could mean anything. It could simply mean, "Oh look, that was very pretty. What was that?" when seeing a bird or, maybe, "It was incredible! What was that?" when tasting something new. However, the context is not so innocent. Instead, it's uttered in shock, and it's response is a man, a man trained to use words, stammering helplessly. 

Okay, rewind. 

It had been a Friday evening...

~~~

"Hey, Liv, we're going to go and get a drink. You coming?" Fin asks, poking his head into her office.

"I will, Fin, I just need to finish this paper work." He gives a little look of disgust at the paperwork, then shrugs.

"Cool, we'll be at..."

"Maclahans, where else?" Fin chuckles and leaves her to it. 

~~~

"How'd you get Barba to come out?" Fin asks Rollins, clapping the man's shoulder before sitting down. Barba raises an eyebrow, sipping some scotch.

"What? You don't think I drink?"

"I don't think you have fun." Fin smirks at him and Barba chuckles.

"What, fun? I wasn't told fun was part of the deal!" The group rolls their eyes and it's just about then that Carisi rolls in, shivering, snow falling off in clumps. 

"Oh good! Maybe some of that excessive hair wax'll come out." Rollins says, snickering as Carisi fiddles with his, normally pristine, hair. 

"At least mine looks like I brush it." He says smoothly. "What are ya drinking, counselor?" Barba has just finished the rest of his drink.

"Scotch."

"I'll get some more. Anyone else need anything?"

"Another one of these beers please," FIn asks, handing over the empty bottle, "And Liv'll be here soon, so if you could get her a red wine?" Carisi nods.

"And you?" Carisi asks, turning to Rollins, who blushes because she's been staring a little too intently at the way melting snow's been dripping down his face and neck.

"Just more gin and tonic please."

"Here, let me help with that." Barba says. Carisi gives a little smile, one that communicates,  _It's not necessary, but it's kind of you._ It's then that things start to go wrong. They've just ordered the drinks, great sigh from the bartender at the huge order, and that's when Carisi starts to talk.

"So, I've been meaning to say..." He trails off.

"What? Didn't they teach you it's bad form to leave you thoughts unfinished at Fordham college?" Carisi blushes slightly.

"Your little crush on the Lieu, it's not fair."

"I do not have a crush!" Barba exclaims indignantly.

"Call it whatever you want. Attraction, desire, I don't care. But you need to tell her." Barba considers for a moment denying that he even has feelings for her, but a look in Carisi's face tells him that Carisi truly knows. 

"What, just walk up and say I like you?"

"Why not?"

"Why would I? 

"Because she likes you too! And you could both be happy if you just said something!"

"Like you're saying something with Rollins?" Carisi's eyes widen and Barba knows he's got him. 

"Okay, you're right. Tell you what, you talk to her, I'll talk to Rollins."

"You might wanna start by not calling her Rollins. I figure she likes Amanda."

"But, you need to talk to Olivia."

"And what do I even say. Hey?! This is crazy, I know, but I have this huge crush on you for the past two years and I'm pretty sure that I love you?"

"What was that?" And incredulous, and terrifyingly recognizable, voice says behind him. Barba turns around slowly to see Olivia standing there, an eyebrow raised. To Barba, it seems as though everything happens in slow motion. Every second seeming like hours. The drinks slam down next to him and Carisi practically trips while running away. 

"Barba." Olivia says, her deep gaze staring him down. He looks into her chocolate eyes, that stare that would send anyone into shivers.

"Olivia." His gulp is audible even over the relitivly loud music.

"What was that?" She asks again and he wishes that she'd stop asking. 

"A little discussion between Carisi and me."

"About what?" He wants to laugh hysterically.

"You."

"Oh? What about."  _YOU KNOW WHAT!_ A little voice inside him screams, and Barba's sure he's never been more uncomfortable in his life as he says, "That I like you." The corner of Olivia's mouth flicks up slightly, barely noticeable, but it's enough to regain his confidence, "And that I'd love to take you out sometime soon." He pauses, "If that's good with you, of course."

"Of course." She says, and she pulls him to her, kissing him. It's the best kiss of his life, although over way to quickly and she's walking over to the table. The only thing that keeps Barba smiling is the promise of more coming soon.

 


	39. Coming Out

They were washing dishes, something they'd had to do ever since their dishwasher'd broken and they had been working too much to get it fixed or get a new one. Rafael, on drying duty tonight, glances over at his wife and smiles. She looks so peaceful. Scrubbing a pan, her gray hair pushed back by her reading glasses, her faced crumbled up a little bit in thought in a face which Rafael had dubbed her "detective face" which she glared at him every time, then secretly smiled. She loved it, but she was not about to admit it. 

"Rafi?" She said, a question poised on her lips. He was startled, slightly, by the sound of his name. They hadn't said anything for the past 5 minutes, just scrubbing and drying in silence.

"What's up, Liv?" She stopped washing for a moment, letting the pan sink back into the water and rested her hands on the sink bottem, her arms in the soapy dirty water. 

"Have you noticed something off about Noah?" Rafael's brow furrowed, and he put aside the plat he'd been drying.

"What do you mean?"

"How he sometimes comes out of his room and just watches us watching T.V. and when we ask him what's wrong he says nothing and scuttles away?" Rafael nods slowly.

"Yeah... why does that worry you?"

"What if something's wrong but he can't tell us."

"What could be wrong?" 

"Rafi..." Her eyes looked sad and scared, "What if he's having troubles at school? Or with a friend? Or worse, an adult? It wouldn't be the first time I've seen it..."

"You've seen it too much is the problem." She looked insulted.

"What do you mean, Rafael?"

"I mean that you work with it, you know everything think that could be wrong, the worst that it could be, that you don't take a moment to consider that it may be something less worrying than that. We taught him very well when he was young about that area and consent and that if somebody treats him funny, he should tell us. And he did that one time, remember?"

"That was the doctor, Rafael."

"Excatly, but he felt trusting enough that he would tell us. We explained that he should trust a doctor to look there. So it shouldn't be something like that."

"I guess. But what could it be?"

"I think we have to give it time, Liv." She tightened her lips, but nodded slowly, and they continued to scrub the dishes.

~~~

They were watching T.V. a week later, the conversation almost forgotten. Noah had emerged from their room and Olivia had hit the pause on the TiVo.

"What's wrong, sweetie?" She asked. To both of their surprise, he didn't say "nothing" and run away. Instead, he sat down.

"Um..." Now it was Rafael's turn to really worry. He'd taught his son at a young age never to use filler words. You're such a lawyer, Rafi, Olivia had said. "Mom, Papa, there's something I need to tell you."

"You can tell us anything, love, you know that." Olivia said, worry bubbling up. _Who was it, who was hurting him? Was it Jack, his friend? Where they fighting? Was it that guy at the gym Noah likes to go to? He was always a creep._

"I uh," Noah took a breath, wiping his hands on his pants. His hands were sweaty, he was nervous. Why though? He knew they'd be okay with it, right? "I'm gay." 

"Oh thank God!" Olivia breathed out. Noah let a little bubble of awkward laughter out.

"What Mom?" Olivia wrapped him in a big hug.

"I was so worried that something was wrong, but you're just coming out. Thank God." She whispered, clutching him close.

"So... you're not mad?"

"Of course not, sweetie." She whispered, stroking his hair, "We love you no matter what, right Rafi?"

"Your mother's right, it doesn't matter. Not at all." Noah was crying now, why was he doing that? He asked himself. He was laughing too, wiping his eyes, his tears away. He was just so relieved. 

"Honey, we would never have thought less of you." Olivia said, pulling him close again. Then she grinned. "Sooo, is there anyone you like?"

"MOOOOM!" He wailed in embarrassment.


	40. Will you marry him, mommy?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Edda:
> 
> Proposal where Rafael enlist the help of Noah?

Rafael knew that Olivia didn't want anything big. That she was, quote on quote, "too old" for that kind of drama. So when Rafael decided that he wanted to marry Liv, he went small and sweet instead of something flashy. But he couldn't help but throw in a little twist, as always. And that twist, of course, was Noah.

"Hey, mijo." Rafael said, ruffling the boy's hair as he moved to sit in front of the toddler who was drawing. "You think you could help me with something?" Noah scrunched up his face, gears in his head turning. It was too cute to watch.

"I dunno... Mommy says I shouldn't promise something if I can't be sure. What do you need help with?" Rafael had to bite back his laugh at the fact that Olivia had taught him that. And she called him ridiculous for trying to get him to not use filler words. 

"Well, mijo, you know I love mommy, right?" Noah nodded, grin appearing.

"You wanna marry mommy, right?" Rafael was blown back a bit at the 5 year old's intuition. That moment Chloe jumped up beside them and Noah snuggled her, drawing left forgotten. 

"That's right, and I love mommy very much, so I want it to be special. Do you think you could help me but keep it a secret?"

"Of course! I can keep secrets, like when I kept mommy's playing a secret."

"I trust you, Noah. So, what do you think mommy would like?" Noah put on his thinking face again and Rafael smiled again, trying not to pull out his phone and take a photo of it.

"Ice cream?" Rafael laughed.

"That's what  _you_ like, mijo!" Noah pouted a bit. "Tell you what, you help me with this, and I'll buy you ice cream after." Noah brightened up considerably. "So what do you think  _she_ would like?" 

"Mommy likes fishes! She's taken me to the aquarium a few times!" 

"That's good, mijo. Do you know how we could incorporate that?" 

"You think the aquarium people'd help?" 

"I guess so, I'm sure they help with proposals often."

"Okay, here's what we do..."

~~~

The plan was rather good considering a 5 year old came up with it. And Noah was going to help a lot, jut like Rafael'd wanted. It actually took a few weeks until they could all go to the aquarium, but everything was set up perfectly. The people there had been more than willing to help, thinking the little boy was cute and that his idea'd be okay. 

_"It's for my mommy! She loves this man and she deserves to be happy!" Noah'd said after he'd gotten over his shyness with the woman they were talking to._

They just had to hope it worked. They'd walked around for a while and Noah'd been right, Olivia loved the animals. Cooing to both him and Noah about the animals. 

_"Awww, look at the penguins, love."_

_"Aren't they cute, Rafi?"_

_"Look at that baby turtle!"_

"Do you wanna go to the touch pool, Noah?" Olivia'd asked, not completely forgetting about her son's wants. He'd grinned, a little too wide Rafael feared, and they went off. 

"We'll be over here, love." Olivia said, sitting down on a bench with direct view of Noah. Noah'd scuttled off and Olivia'd put her head on Rafi's shoulder. 

"I'm glad we came here today, I think Noah's enjoying it." Indeed the little boy was giggling in the water. Rafael, full of nerves that the plan would complete in just a matter of minutes, hummed an agreement. Olivia'd just turned to kiss Rafael when Noah came up to them.

"Mommy, look!"

"You didn't remove anything did you? You're not allowed to do that, love." She said, her eyes not catching what it was yet. 

"But mommy, it says your name!" Olivia, confused, finally looks down. Indeed it's something wrapped up tightly with the tag,  _Mommy,_ in it. In Noah's handwriting. 

"Wha-"

"Open it, mommy!" Olivia, bewildered, takes it and pulls the bag open. She's getting dirty water on her pants, but she doesn't care. Inside is a little ring box and when she looks up, Rafael's on his knee in front of her. 

"Will you marry him, mommy?" Olivia has a hand cupped around her mouth, half in tears half laughing at her little boy. 

"Of course I'll marry him, love." Rafael and Noah grinned widely. Olivia pulled them into a three way hug and around them there were a few claps. Only a few though, all from employees who'd been in on it. It was still a little more flashy then what she would've asked for, but it was perfect. Her little family hugging together; she wouldn't have cared if he'd proposed in front of everyone, she would've always loved it. Because she loved him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically, how they pulled it off, is that the employee's on the job that day would put the ring(wrapped in a fish and water safe bag) in a designated corner of the touch pool for Noah to retrieve when the employee saw them coming. They'd, of course, also make sure no other kid accidentally took it. I admit, they'd probably not agree to do this at an aquarium, but it was too cute to resist, so go with it please.


	41. Karma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Dine48:
> 
> Any chance of Barba having a "take your son to work day", and maybe some Karma for his quip at Benson and Rollin in his very first appearance on LOSVU?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Noah's about 3-4 years old here.

"Okay, Noah. The first thing we have to do is find you a juice box. I know I have one around here somewhere." Rafael, who'd just put his son down on his office couch, started to pull open his "snack draw" the draw in his desk he kept little kid snacks for when he had to pick Noah up after work. Low and behold there were three. "Okay, Mijo, do you want cranberry apple, grape, or orange?"

"Cranberry apple!" Rafael smiled and ripped the straw off, poking through the designated hole and handing it to Noah, who immediately started to sip from it, smiling. Then he started to kick his legs, looking around Rafael's office. Rafael, who was looking for something to occupy his son with, touched the swinging legs.

"No kicking, Mijo." Noah nodded, pouting slightly, but Rafael was not going to relent. "You wanna draw?" Noah, always up for drawing, nodded. Rafael smiled, relieved he'd found something so he could get some paperwork done. He put the pictures and crayons on the floor and Noah slid down in front of it to draw, his juice box next to him. Rafael had managed to get 10 minutes of work done when Noah came pattering up to him and pulled his suit jacket arm.

"Look, Papí!" Rafael looked over, smiling at the photo of a kitty cat.

"It's great, Mijo. I'm going to put it right here for me to see everyday." He said, taking the drawing and tacking it up to the wall, truly happy to have it there. Noah grinned. "You wanna draw one for mommy?" Noah nodded.

"Can I have more paper?"

"Please?"

"Can I have more paper, please?" Rafael nods and spins around, grabbing some out of his printer. Rafael's returning to work when he hears it. 

"Uh oh." Rafael's heart drops a bit.

"What's wrong, Mijo?"

"I spilled my juice." Rafael sighed. "It's on the carpet."

"That's okay, Mijo, it happens."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Rafael went to the door, poking his head out.

"Hey, Carmen? Can you get me a few paper towels, half of them dampened?" Carmen came back a few minutes later, staying a little to long to coo over Noah, and Rafael started to clean up the juice. In the meantime, Noah had started his next drawing. The next ten minutes went off without a hitch. But, then again, toddlers live in ten minute segments.

"Papí, I'm bored."

"Did you finish your drawing for mommy?" Noah nodded, showing it to him. It was a photo of the three of them.

"She'll love it, Mijo. You wanna draw some more." Noah shook his head. "You wanna play with your animals?" Rafael asked, turning to get them. 

"No." Rafael avoided sighing.

"You wanna watch  _ONE_ episode of Arthur?" Noah grinned widely. Rafael pulled up YouTube on his phone and reached for earbuds. "What episode do you wanna watch?"

"The dinosaur one!" Rafael, feeling a little sad for knowing which one that was and the name of it(Buster Dino Delima), pulls up the episode and hands it to Noah, who eagerly goes to the couch and starts watching. Rafael smiles and turns back to his work. He, as always gets wrapped up in it, and forgets the time. 40 minutes later he's suspicious as to why Noah hasn't bothered him and sees that Noah's still watching Arthur. 

"Noah!" Noah, startled, takes off the earbuds. "I said one episode." In forty minutes, Noah must've watched 4.

"Sorry, Papí." 

"You just have to listen to me, buddy." He said, ruffling the boy's hair. He looks at the clock. 10:05. He was due for an arraignment in 15 minutes. "Carmen's going to watch you for a bit, is that okay?" Noah nodded.

"Hey, Carmen, can you watch him now, please?" Carmen grinned and eagerly agreed. "Don't let him sweet talk you into any more Arthur episodes, he's already watched 4 today."

"Okay," Barba, after kissing his son goodbye, closes the door behind him, readjusts his already impeccable suit, and walks confidently to the court room.

~~~

"Your honor, the defendant is a multimillionaire. 50,000 dollars is walking around money to him. The people ask for remand." 

"Remand?" The opposing lawyer huffs. "Your honor, this man has a family, two kids and," Barba, halfway through this arrangement, hears the door open in the background. He pays no attention to it. "A loving wife. He's not a flight risk." The judge turns her head to Barba for rebuttal.

"Your honor, those kids Calhoun is talking about are at boarding school in  _Europe._ 50,000 dollar tuition in London if I remember correctly. He hasn't seen them since Christmas. And his wife lives in Jersey. The fact that his wi-" Barba's cut off by a way to familiar, way to young, voice.

"Papí!" Barba shrinks a little in terror and embarrassment as Noah's soft body barrels into his leg. 

"Excuse me, your honor." The judge kinda glares at him, but Barba has a feeling that she thinks it's cute. He's glad somebody does as he is not finding this amusing. He turns to his son.

"Look what Carmen got me!" Noah holds out a little toy and Barba has a moment of softness at the kindness of his secretary. Then annoyance as to why his son was even interrupting him under her care. Barba squats down, facing his son in his eyes. He speaks softly to his son, not to let others in in their conversation.

"Mijo, Papí's working right now. Where's Carmen?"

"She had to use the bathroom. She said to wait, but I wanted to see you." Barba wants to laugh hysterically at the situation, but he has to keep an air of professionalism. 

"Okay, hopefully Carmen'll come and get you. Until then I need you to be really really quiet while Papí works, okay?" Noah nodded. "You do this for me and we can get ice cream later." If Noah was going to make noise earlier, he certainly wasn't going to now. Barba smiled softly and he was Rafael for a moment before standing back up and putting up his lawyer front. "Sorry, your honor."

"Is everything settled?" The judge said, staring pointedly at Noah, who'd hopped up onto the chair next to Barba. He was very quiet, his "quiet face" on, hands folded together.

"Yes, he'll be quiet," Barba says, touching his son's head gently, "Let's continue."

The rest of the arraignment goes as smoothly as it could in this situation. In the end the bail's set to 5 million and the defendant actually looks a little nervous. Good. 

"Come on, Mijo." Barba said, sticking his hand out to his son. "Carmen must be worried sick." Just as they're exiting, Calhoun's there. 

"Rafael." She says. 

"Rita." He responds, clutching Noah's hand slightly tighter. Is she going to shame him, smack talk him like she usually does, in front of his son? Instead, she smiles pointedly. Human emotion shown, the court forgotten as her look softens.

"What's your name?" She asks Noah, even though she probably knows. Maybe not though. Noah, who's steadily been growing out of his shyness, but still has little episodes, hides slightly in Rafael's pants. Rafael laughs and directs his son to face Rita. 

"Noah, we face those talking to us." He instructs. "And answer their questions."  _Sometimes._ Barba thinks, but that's a lesson for another day.

"Noah." Noah says. Rita sticks out her hand and Noah takes it, after a look to his father, and they shake.

"I'm Rita." 

"You're a lawyer, like my Papí, right?" Noah blurts out. 

"Kinda. I work for the other side. We get into a lot of fights, but the good kind. Do you wanna be a lawyer too?" Noah shakes his head empathetically.

"I wanna be a cop." 

"Like your mother, huh?" Rita shoots a little look at Rafael and shows him something in her bag, a look of inquiry on her face, her head cocking toward Noah. He nods lightly. "Well it was nice to meet you, Noah. Why don't you enjoy this?" She hands him a lollipop she had in her bag. It was a side of her nobody knew about. The one that loved those sugary kid things when she was trying to work out an argument. Noah accepts it hesitantly.

"What do we say, Mijo?" Noah shoots Rita a crooked smile.

"Thank you!" Rita laughs and Rafael smiles, ruffling his son's hair, who's opening the wrapper.

"Fatherhood suits you." Rita says. Rafael has no idea what to say to that. So he goes with what he always goes with.

"Thank you. Come on, Mijo, let's go find Carmen."

~~~

Rafael looks up from his work to smile at his son, who was finishing up the lollipop. Apparently, what had happened, was that Noah had wanted a tour of the courtroom, something he'd already gotten, but he wanted to see it again, so Carmen agreed, saying they'd go to see Barba after his arraignment and pointed out which room it was. Then she needed the restroom, so she, not wanting to leave Noah alone, brought him in, but left him outside the stalls. Noah, of course, couldn't stay still and went to see Barba, panicking Carmen. She looked around for him and by the time she'd figured out where they were, arraignment was over. They met at the door of the courtroom, where she apologized immediately, explaining what happened. Barba forgave her quickly, thanking her for the toy, which, in the confusion, even she'd forgotten about.

It was about lunch time for Noah now, 11:30, so Rafael pulled both of their lunches out, setting them up at his coffee table. Rafael groaned as he moved to sit down on the ground, and Noah giggled at him. 

"How are you liking it, Mijo?" Rafael asked, handing his son a napkin.

"It's fun!"

"I thought maybe we could go over to Mommy's workplace next. I have some papers to give Mommy." Noah doesn't look to happy about this idea, but not upset either. "We'll get ice cream on the way there," Noah perks up immeditly, "And we can see Mommy and Jesse'll be there." Noah grins happily. He loved Jesse. And ice cream. And Mommy. "You know that while I'm there, I'm not going to call Mommy mommy, right? I'll be calling her Olivia." 

"I know, Papí." Noah pauses slightly, then worry etches into the little boy's face. "Should I call her Olivia too?" Rafael laughs.

"No, you can call her Mommy." Relief floods the boy's face and Rafael thinks its adorable. Luckily, the next half hour goes off without anything going wrong again. Noah enjoys his ice cream, and manages not to get his shirt totally stick - although, it's definetly _not_ clean - and the squad isn't too busy when they come in together, hand in hand. Noah, the moment he saw his mother, ran up to her, crying, _Mommy!_

"There's my son!" Olivia says happily, scooping up her son and showering him in kisses, squeezing him tight and close. "Are you having a good day, Love?" 

"Yeah! I got to see a real court working!" Olivia's eyes widen.

"Rafael?"

"It was an accident, I swear, Liv. And a long story. I'll tell it at home." Olivia looks suspicious, but turns her attention back to the little boy in front of her, who's fussing in her arms.

"You're a little sticky, Love. Did Rafael get you ice cream?" Noah grinned happily.

"And I got a lollipop from Rita." Olivia's face, along with the rest of the squad's, scrunches up in confusion. 

"Rita Calhoun? The lawyer?" Barba shrugged.

"Yeah, she had a few in her bag and she had been inquiring about Noah." 

"Wow, she's human?" Fin asks. "That's a side of her I have _never_ seen."

"Is Jesse here?" Noah pipes in.

"Yeah, Noah. She's in the playroom. You wanna follow me?" Rollins says, holding a hand out to Noah. Noah looks at Olivia.

"It's okay, Love. I'll see you later." Noah toddles off after Rollins, grabbing her hand. Olivia turns to Rafael. "So, how's it really been?"

"A few mishaps." Olivia smiles. 

"I like to think of it as karma."

"For what?"

"Do you _not_ remember when we met?" Rafael racked his brain. It had been a short meeting, a few minutes at most.

"You met me and Rollins and you said, "Take your daughters to work day?"" Olivia clues him in.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"I guess, although I don't technically believe in Karma." There's a crash and two screaming voices. Olivia, Rafael, and Carisi all wince and look at each other as they recognize the cries of their children. Rafael, while they run in to see Noah, says, "Although, I'm starting to." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, guys, there was Rollisi again. There'll likely often be Rollisi, but never terribly explicitly.


	42. Easter Egg Surprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All these Easter posts, I thought I'd create one too, then I thought, what? And this came up. It is honestly fluffy and cute as hell, in my opinion of course ;) And, just, go easy on me please. Happy Easter to all those who celebrate it religiously or non-religiously. I personally think these three wouldn't be religious, just Easter egg fun!

Patience: Something Olivia Benson was lucky to have the capacity of. Her old partner, Elliot, tended to get impatient quickly, often frustrated and a little violent and it had cost them a few cases. However, she could be patient. She'd spent several hours talking to a little girl, trying to piece together the clues to find where she was, only losing her patience once when she thought that she was going to die. 

However, after 4 months, patience is something she has very very little of. Luckily, the day has arrived, her plan clicking together. It was only a matter of hours now...

~~~

_Two days ago:_

"Okay, Noah." She said, sitting down in front of her son. "You excited for the Easter egg hunt on Sunday?" Noah, who was drawing furiously, stopped, looking up and grinning at her.

"Yeah!" The squad had planned an egg hunt for Noah, Jesse, and Fin's new grandson, who was now a year and a half old(he'd, admittedly, need some help, but Fin promised he'd be fair). 

"Do you wanna help Mommy with something?" Noah, who Olivia thanks for every day, is as kind as ever and nods enthusiastically. "You know I love Papí, right?" Noah nods.

"You love him this much." He says, widening his arms just like Olivia had the first time she'd explained to Noah that she loved his father and that he _was_ going to be his father. Olivia laughs, rubbing her boy's hair.

"That's right, Love. I love him even more than that, so I wanna marry him."

"What's marriage Mommy?"

"It's when two people love each other very much and want to promise to stay together and love each other forever."

"But you and Papí already do that, what difference does this make?"

"It's very official. We'll have a ceremony and a party."

"A party? Like I had for my birthday?"

"Kinda, just a little more formal." Noah nods, his face a little contorted with confusion, but he smiles.

"Okay, what do I need to do?"

"Well, I'm going to be setting up the eggs. They'll all be red, pink, green, and purple, but I've bought a single blue one."

"Papí favorite color!" Noah proclaims.

"Yes! I'm gonna hide it in my office, between the vase and the photo of you. Do you think you can find that one first?" Noah nods. "Then, once it's all over and we're eating chocolate and candy, I want you to offer that one to Papí. If he asks you why, that you should keep it, tell him that it's because it's blue and that's his favorite color. Don't mention anything about Mommy wanting to marry him, okay?"

"Okay, Mommy."

~~~

_Today, Easter Sunday:_

They were all sitting around, talking, eating chocolate and laughing. 

"Hey Fin, didn't you once say you'd never let your grandson call you Grandpa?" Carisi asks teasingly. Fin shoots him his meanest glare, but it softens when his grandson comes up to him, touching his arm.

"Grandpa, let me up!" Fin smiles and picks up his grandson, giving him a hug and cooing over whatever the boy'd come to show him.

"Hey, Papí!" Noah said, basket in his hand. Olivia's bubbling with nervousness as she knows it's time. "This is for you, Papí!" Noah says, giving his father the blue egg.

"Mijo, that's yours, why don't you keep it?"

"It's blue, your favorite color! You should have it." Rafael smiles and accepts it.

"That's very sweet of you, Mijo." Rafael says, twisting the egg open, hoping for a little bit of chocolate, his weakness. Instead, he stops, confused. Then turns to Olivia.

"Liv?" He asks. Everyone in the room stops, feeling the tension between them as Rafael holds up a gold band.

"Will you marry me, Rafi?" You could hear a pin drop. Actually, you _can_ hear a pin drop, well,  a pen, as the one that had previously been between Carisi's lips falls out of the now gaping mouth and bounces on the floor. 

"Of course." Rafael finally manages to get out. And it might be the greatest two words Olivia's ever heard.

 


	43. Allowance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No prompts, so a little bit on what family life'd be like there. I have another one in the works, however.

Olivia had always liked kids. Always. Since she was a little kid herself. She has a very vivid memory of herself in third grade. They had been talking about their futures. Many kids said things like, "I'll have a big house and I'll be a lawyer." Or "I'll have a lot of dogs and I'll win the lottery so I'll never have to work." This had been 3rd grade after all. However, most kids said they either didn't know or didn't want a family, husbands, wives, kids. Nope. Except for Olivia. She wanted kids, a husband - or wife, but she didn't know that then - and to be a cop. However, life hadn't been kind to Olivia's wishes. It took an obscenely long time for 2 out of the 3 of those things. 

Now, while he's not her husband, she does have a life partner. And a great one too, Rafael Barba. And a kid. An amazing, kind, intelligent little boy. Noah Porter Benson. Now that Olivia'd finally gotten her biggest wish, a kid, she had to admit that he was... well, not spoiled... okay, spoiled. Not terribly. She had limits. He knew his manners, he knew how to ask for something  _kindly,_ and she only really spoiled him in material goods. She never allowed him to get away with anything that he shouldn't get away with. But, yeah, he was a little spoiled. He had more toys than most, he had nicer clothing than more, and definetly had more opportinites. Although, really, is it actually spoiling your kid to send them to summer camp and rent instruments for them to play? How else would Noah had liked that he liked the forensics of crime if not for the CSI crime camp she sent him to when he was 10? Or how he liked to play the violin and piano if she had not rented a violin every year and bought him a keyboard? So, overall, the fact that Noah was a little spoiled was to bad. He had a lot of toys, yes, but he played with them all. He got a ton of attention, but she never gave him bad attention and he didn't do bad things when she didn't give it to him. 

However, now that Noah was 14, he needed an allowance. A _proper_ allowance. Not the mini one she gave him that she never really made him use. From 5 to 9, she'd given him 50 cents a week. From 9 to 14, she gave him 5 dollars with the agreement that she wouldn't buy him any candy, he could buy that. But Noah needed to learn how to keep money wisely, and, now that he was reaching the age where he might want to buy better things(phones, maybe a car if he goes suburban for college), she decided she needed to change up how the allowance thing worked.

"Noah, what do you think is a far amount of money for an allowance?" She asked when he brought it up. He shrugged his shoulders(surly kid, always doing that to her(and Rafi's) annoyment). He took a bite of his apple, chewing consideringly. 

"I have a friend who's parents have this deal I think is pretty fair."

"Oh? What is it?"

"She gives him 20 bucks a week-" Olivia's eyes probably bug out of her eyes.

"20 dollars?!" 

"Yes, but there's a catch." _It better be a good catch._ Olivia thinks. "School lunches are 4 bucks a meal. He can either buy lunch every day or bring lunch to school and keep the money. However, his mother won't buy him anything other than food, basic living necessities such as soap, toothpaste, etc, and school supplies. Everything else he has to buy." _Pretty good catch._ Olivia thinks.

"Okay, I think it's fair. If something else comes up, it's open to discussion, but I have final rule."

"Fair." Noah says.

"We might need to open a bank account, knowing how careful you are with money..." Olivia muses. She knows the kid is going to milk this system dry, hating the school lunches and being a bit of a hoarder when it came to money. And she hated the bank, but she'd quickly forget about cash. She grins evilly, knowing who hates the bank even more than her, "I'll have your father take you one day." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who got this agreement in High School? Yup, me. I always thought it was a very fair system and one Olivia'd agree with.


	44. Katherine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For 20mcdanno_fanatic10:
> 
> How about a Barson baby?

Olivia had been in this position before. Sitting on the cold, hard ground beside a toilet, holding a pee covered stick and waiting 2 minutes, butterflies in her stomach. She never thought she'd be here again, though, as she is 45. Honestly, she'd tacked her missing her period up to first stages of menopause, but throwing up three times this week was not a good sign. 

So no, it was not a position she thought she'd be in again. Especially not when she found out that this time, her fears came true and there were the necessary lines telling her she was pregnant. At 45. By accident. 

She was scared, petrified. How would Rafi react? How could she handle being pregnant and being a cop? How would she handle being pregnant at this age, when risks were great. And how could, despite all of that, she be so excited? 

Because she was having a kid, that's why, and to hell with any difficulties. She was strong, and this kid would be too. 

~~~

They were eating dinner at Rafael's office, takeout, rushed amongst the case files. Rafael had cracked and opened some scotch.

"You want some wine? I've got red here, the type you ranted at me about for 20 minutes before I'd try it." Rafael says, chucking at the memory. Olivia smiles too, and as much as she'd love some wine to help with this case, she can't.

"No thanks, Rafi."

"You sure?"

"Yup." Rafael raises an eyebrow and cocks his head.

"Is it because you're pregnant?" Olivia can't even think to deny it, she's so shocked. Her mouth hangs open, staring at him. "You've been throwing up all week, you haven't had you period in two months, and you've smiling too much for this case." She has been, cracking a smile at every little opportunity, just reminded that she's going to have another kid. "We're you ever going to tell me?" He asked, sitting down next to her and offering up some lemon water(her second choice to wine) he'd produced from  _somewhere._  She looked down, ashamed, face burning red.

"I was, after I figured out how to. I've only known since Friday." She whispers. It's Wednesday now. "Are you upset?" She croaks out, looking away from him. She's shocked to find him laughing.

"Upset? Not at all. Worried? Absolutely."

"Do we need to discuss..." She can't bring herself to finish the thought. He grabs her hand.

"Cariño, not for a second, unless you want to." She shakes her head furiously.

"No."

"Good, then you first appointment's in two weeks." She gaps at him, than snakes him on the shoulder.

"You actually set up an appointment before finding out if I was pregnant?"

"I know you too well, cariño." She shakes her head in disbelief, but still smiles. He was okay with it, one fear off her list. 

~~~

The doctor was concerned for all the same reasons they where, but he said that so far everything looked good and healthy. He gave the speech of what to avoid, what to encounter, how to sleep, how to relax, etc. Then ordered them back for appointments and, in two months, the first ultrasound, where they could hear the heartbeat and possibly find out the gender.

They didn't tell anybody, they were still so scared of all the things that could go wrong. At 45, problems with blood pressure and pre-eclampsia were much higher, along with genetic defects like schizophrenia, Down syndrome, and being on the autism spectrum, amongst other things. And premature or small kids. 

Yet, at the same time, they were elated, especially Olivia who touched her stomach at every opportunity. She barely showing by the time they went to the first ultrasound at 16 weeks. They decided that, if everything looked healthy, they'd start to tell people.

~~~

"You ready to see your baby?" Their doctor asks, sliding the monitor into view. Olivia and Rafael gasp at the same time at the delicate little life shown on the screen. Their kid. Olivia reaches a hand up to her shoulder and Rafael grasps it. "I'm gonna set up the heart beat now." The doctor informed them. They'd already heard it, but they both leaned forward eagerly. Soon a steady, quick thumping sound entered the room and Olivia gripped tighter.

"It's so strong, Rafi." She whispers, hope in the sound. 

"Would you like to find out the sex?" Mr. Matthews asks once they've gotten their fill and he's checked a few things. 

"If possible." Rafael answers for the two of them. They didn't care what sex it was, they just wanted a healthy baby, so they agreed to find out. There's a hard time where the baby's legs are in the way and they almost give up hope until they can finally see.

"A girl." Olivia whispers, happiness in her voice. It's like hearing the heartbeat and finding out the sex has relaxed all of her worries. "Noah's gonna have a younger sister!"

~~~

Since the doctor said everything was good so far, they decided it was time to tell people. First up was Noah, who was 4 years old.

"Noah, sweetie, why don't you come and sit with us?" Olivia asked, picking up her son and plopping him down on her lap. Noah put his hand on her stomach, like he'd been doing for the past two weeks, and stared at her inquisitively. 

"Is it about this, mommy?" He asked, hand still on her swelling stomach.

"Yes!" She said excitedly, about to dive in to the pregnancy thing when he asks,

"Are you dying?" Olivia looks over to Rafael, slightly horrified, especially when she sees Rafael's trying - and failing - to hold in his laughter.

"No, honey, mommy's not dying." Noah looks immensely relieved, but then curious.

"What then?"

"You're gonna be a big brother!" Noah's face lights up immeditly, eyes shinning, a huge grin on his face, and a little squeel with it all. "A sister." Olivia whispers.

"My sister's in here?" He asked in wonder, hand still on her stomach. Olivia nods. "Babies come from mommy's stomach?" They hadn't explained this yet, seeing as he was only four.

"Yes."

"So I came from here?" He asked, hand still on her stomach. Olivia looked over helplessly at Rafael. They hadn't explained to him that he was adopted yet.

"Mijo," Rafael whispers. "There are two places babies come from." Rafael says, knowing that it wasn't a hundred percent true(surrogates), but that was definetly for when he was older. "Some are grown in mommy's stomachs, and some are taken in by mommies and fathers. We call it adoption. We adopted you."

"So I'm not related to you?" He asks, tears in his eyes.

"No, Mijo, you are just as much of our son as your sister will be. The only difference is that we will share DNA, what makes you up. Don't think for a second we don't love you and that you are not related to us, because you are our son." Rafael says, hugging Noah close. 

"Thank you, Papí."

The squad reacted as suspected. Carisi knew(hell, he probably knew before she did), Amanda then also knew seeing as he told her everything. Nevertheless, they were all happy for her, then sad as she would be leaving field duty.

~~~

The child was born at 35 weeks, really good for Olivia's age. It was a hard birth, the baby refusing to turn around in the womb and Olivia needing a C-Section, which lasted longer than normal. But still, the child was alive, health albeit early. They name her Katherine Serena Benson-Barba. The first name is the American version of Catalina, Rafael's grandmother. They wanted to name Kate after Catalina, but still give her an American name. Serena was for Olivia's mother. 

When they take her home, after a week of incubation for her young age, it's not without worries. They still had genetic threats in the future. But she was healthy for now, and that's really all that mattered. It was so nice to come home, especially to Noah jumping around and dancing, so excited to meet his little sister. Honestly, it was all they could ask for. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'm terrible with kids. Youngest here, no kids of my own(yet). I had to downgrade Olivia's age because I could only be so generous with these problems. Tell me, does anybody want me to mention Katherine in the future, or should this stay a one-shot?


	45. Of course, Cariño

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For mrschiltoncat:
> 
>  
> 
>   
>  Something were Liv or Rafael has a bad case of the flu and the other dotes on them? And perhaps Noah tries to help in an adorable kid way?  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter - which took inexcusably long, I apologize - references another sick fic, Flu, it's in this fic. It also has my newest addition, Kate. I love her and Noah already, I'm not apologizing for the amount to times I'm going to have her in my fics. Enjoy

"Noah, Mijo, leave mommy alone, okay? She's not feeling great." Rafael says, redirecting his son who was, for the 5th time this hour, trying to push into their bedroom while his wife was trying to take a nap. She'd been feeling under the weather for a week now before the mild head cold had erupted into full blown flu. As sweet as it was that Noah kept trying to bring Olivia little gifts, he did not need both his wife and his kids sick. For now, Olivia should just rest. Noah pouts up at him.

"But she's been asleep _forever!"_

"I know, Mijo, I know, but you sleep a lot when you're sick." 

"But mommy always plays with me on her days off." Rafael looks pitingly down at his son. He couldn't argue with the fact that Olivia always made a point to play with Noah on her days off, the only real time with him, and the she wasn't doing that now. Rafael leads his son to the couch and plops him down, right next to the crib he'd removed from their bedroom so that she could sleep easily.

"I know, Mijo, but remember when you were sick, just three months ago?" Noah nods slowly. "Didn't you want to sleep a lot?" Noah nods again. "Mommy's the same, okay, she just needs sleep, water, and food. Before you know it, she'll be up and playing with you soon. Until then, why don't we get you something special for being a good boy, okay? What do you want?" Rafael asks, already knowing the boy's answer.

"Ice cream!" He grins, happily. _Olivia'd pulverize me if she knew._ Rafael thought as he scooped out some ice cream for his son before dinner. _Oh well, as long as he's quiet._ Just as he hands Noah the ice cream, Kate's up and crying. Rafael practically runs to the crib three feet away and immeditly tries to shush his daughter's tears. 

"Mija, mija, mi bonita, no llorar por favor.*" With his shushing, bouncing, and Spanish, Kate quickly quiets down, cooing up at her father instead, trying to grab his nose. He presses a little kiss to her palm. "You wanna play with your brother?" Rafael asks, shooting a glace over to his son who had already finished his ice cream. There was a pleading look on his face, a _please play with her_  so that he could take care of Olivia. Noah smiles and jumps up, totally in love with his little sister. 

"Yeah, Kate, wanna play with me?" Kate coos again and Rafael places her on her back on the soft carpet that's surrounded by her toys. Noah sits down next to Kate, already ready to start playing peekaboo or maybe have another crawling race. He always let Kate win those. He leaves the giggling kids to go to the kitchen and fetch a glass of water and the thermometer. Olivia'd asked him to wake her at 5:00 so that she could check her temp and drink. Rafael taps on their door before walking in, leaving the door slighlty ajar so that the room had some light, but not enough to shock her or completely wake her.

"How are you doing, cariño?" He asks softly, walking over. Olivia mumbles something and based on the one or two words he caught, it didn't need repeating. Mostly profanities. "I know," He whispers, "Open?" She sleepily opens her mouth and there's silence as they wait. It beeps and looking at it doesn't give him comfort. "102.2" He whispers. "Drink some more water." Olivia initially tries to push it away, her throat hurt too much, but he insisted. 

"How are the kids?" She asks, her voice hoarse, and it breaks Rafael's heart to hear. Just as she asks, however, there are squeals from the other room before Noah's voice wafts in: _Shhhh, mommy's sleeping._ Noah says before their giggling resumes. "That answers that." 

"You want soup, Liv?" He asks, "The recipe your Mom used to make you whenever you were sick?" Olivia smiles because she knows that he's remembering the first really personal thing she'd told him all those years ago, when he'd gotten the flu and she'd made it for him. It was how they got together. 

"That would be nice." She admits, in no condition to even deny what she wants for him relaxing. He doesn't mind, though, just smiles.

"Of course, Cariño. You go back to sleep, I'll wake you when it's done or if something's wrong."

"If something's wrong," She yawns, already sleeping again and slipping into unconsciousness, "They had better be dead, dying, or a lot of blood." She whispers before falling asleep again. 

"Of course, Cariño." Rafael says, smiling again, knowing their agreement for naps. He kisses her head before slipping away, past his children, and into the kitchen to make his wife soup. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *My daughter, my daughter, my beautiful, don't cry please
> 
> Also, am I the only one that thinks the way soup is spelled is ridiculous?


	46. Kindergarten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long you all, but I've been preoccupied with other things. Cute first day Barba-Noah fluff, because I cannot resist these two! All the Spanish is translated in bottom notes, again, my Spanish is rough.

It was quiet. Too quiet. Rafael had once been accustomed to a quiet life. A quiet drive to work - no music since he generally liked to think through witness statements or practice opening statements - then a quiet day in his office - same reasons for no noise - then a quiet night at home. But that changed when he started dating Olivia whose life was naturally noisy in good and bad ways. Bad being her hectic work life. Good being the two little kids that they raised together. So, yeah, Rafael was accustomed to noise at this point. A chattering Noah in his car, a call from his wife, a noisy messy dinner. Not today, though, even though he still had Noah in his car. At least, he thinks he does. He's turned around at least 5 times during this drive to check because of how deathly silent the little boy had been. He's scared, for it's his first day of Kindergarten.

When they finally pull into the parking lot of Noah's new school, it's still quiet, the click of the seatbelt deafeningly loud in the car. Noah wouldn't have any friends here. He'd gone to a preschool close to his house, for convincene, but Olivia had pull at one of the best schools near her - and his - office, so they agreed he should go there, even if that meant he knew nobody. 

"Come on, Mijo." Rafael whispered - anything above that seemed utterly too loud -, trying to coax the boy out of the car. He was unbuckled, but didn't move until Rafael picked him up and placed him on the ground, grasping Noah's little hand and Noah's backpack in his other hand. "You'll have fun, Mijo. I promise." Noah didn't say anything, just continued to drag his feet to the door, silently and obediently.

"Excuse me," Rafael said, his normal confidence restored in his voice as he approached a woman who was at the front of the school and who looked in charge. "I'm looking for my son, Noah Benson-Barba's, classroom." 

"Hi," The woman said, soft voiced and bent slightly, directed mostly at Noah who'd taken to hiding in Rafael's pants. She smiled and laughed softly, then straightened up and grasped Barba's hand. "I'm Ms. Sherry, the principle around here. What grade's your son in?" 

"He's starting Kindergarten, Ms. Adam's class?" 

"Ah, he's going to have a great time then if he ever gets over his shyness."

"He will." Barba ensured, hand protectively on his son's head. 

"He's going to go down to room 34B." Barba tried not to snicker at the all too familiar number letter combo, having that conversation with Carisi just a few days ago. "Down the hall that way." She said, pointing them through a blizzard of kids and their parents.

"Thank you so much. Come on, Mijo." Rafael said, bending over and slipping his son's backpack on. "¿Tú no quieres los otros estudiantes ven tu papí lleva tu mochila para ti, no?*" He asked, tighting the straps. Noah slightly shook his head, but kept quiet otherwise. Rafael avoided sighing, knowing how scared Noah was, but couldn't help being slightly frustrated that he couldn't get his son to open up. They, after some trouble, found the classroom with another friendly woman greeting parents and kids alike.

"Hello, I'm Mr. Barba and this is my son, Noah Benson-Barba." He said, offering his hand which the woman took, shaking it strongly. 

"I'm Ms. Adams." Barba goes through a few of the neccesities with the woman, checking him in and what not. When it was time to go, he crouched down again. 

"Mijo," He whispered, "Papí necesita ir a trabajo, pero tú tienes una buena día para Mamí y yo, sí?*" Noah nodded slighlty. "Tú necesitas hablar, bueno?*"

"Okay, Papí." Noah finally whispered. 

"Te amo mucho." Rafael said, hugging his son tight. 

"Te amo, también." Noah said, gripping his father tight, tears in his eyes. Rafael pulled away and stroked his son's hair.

"Una buena día, sí. Tu tendrás mucho amigos y tendrás divertido, bueno?*" Noah nodded. "Y habals en Ingles.*" Rafael said, emitting a giggle from both of them. "Te amo." Rafael whispers one last time before leaving a scared and nervous Noah behind, knowing that all would be okay tonight. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rubbish ending, I know. Anyway, Spanish translations. If anything's wrong, tell me please.
> 
> *You don't want the other students to see your Daddy carrying your backpack for you, right?  
> *Daddy needs to go to work, but you have a good day for Mommy and me, okay?  
> *You need to talk, okay?  
> *A good day, yes. You will have lots of friends and have fun, okay?  
> *And talk in English
> 
> Te amo means I love you (Te amo, También is I love you, too) and Mijo means my son.


	47. After School

Olivia clutched Katherine's head close to her chest, nervously rocking her as she waited for the clock to strike three and the doors to open, pooling hundreds of kids out. The school was foreign and looked so intimidating for such a small building. Rafael had called her shortly after getting into work to tell her how the drive was. Apperently Noah had been so scared and shy and that's why Olivia nervous now. How was the kid's first day? Did he manage to make a good impression on his teacher? Would she think he's slow because he didn't talk all day.

"Shhh." She told a fussy Kate, continuing to rock the both of them. There was a woman beside her smiling at her weirdly.

"How old is she?" The woman asked, assuming off of the pink blanket - a gift from Lucy. 

"Just about a year now, next month." Olivia said. The woman moved to offer her hand, then though better of it considering Olivia had her hands full. 

"My name's Julia, my son just started here." She says, looking wistfully at the building, then flicking back to her watch. 3:00. Any second now.

"Mine did, too. What grade is yours in?" Olivia asks, intrigued by the woman who was so forward with her. Olivia'd been in the force so long, she'd forgotten that some people can easily open up.

"Kindergarten."

"Mine, too." Just as they're about to get into it, the door bursts open and kids start filling out, all chatty and excited. They're running to their parents, jumping into their arms before diving into their first day. "Nice to talk to you!" The woman calls out before capturing her own kid, picking him up. Olivia stands up, slipping Kate into her baby carrier, head resting against Olivia's chest. Olivia's trying, desperately, to find Noah in the crowd. Eventually the amount of kids die down and Olivia's having an easier time seeing through the crowd, but there's still no Noah in sight. Eventually there's nobody outside and Olivia decides it's time to go in and find him. She walks into the building, finding the main office and approaching the secretary. 

"Excuse me." Olivia says, getting the man's attention. "Sorry, but I didn't find my son out there. His name's Noah Benson-Barba." The secretary nods and starts typing furiously.

"We get at least one every first day. Kindergartener, I assume?" Olivia nods, stunned at the man's ease. "Ah, room 34B." Olivia barely avoids snickering, having tested Carisi again only a few hours ago. "Every year there's a few kids who from some reason don't want to leave, so the teacher has to stay with them. We send parents there. Down the hall and to the left." He said, pointing the way. Olivia taps the counter, heading away.

"Thanks." She says, but she knows he's gone back to work. Olivia does indeed find Noah in the room, sitting at a desk and chattering with the teacher, much to Olivia's surprise. When Olivia clears her throat, Noah turns around.

"Mommy!" He calls, running into her. "I didn't know you were coming to pick me up!" Olivia places one hand on his head, another on Kate's.

"Careful, love. I've got Kate with me." Olivia says, having wobbled upon Noah's impact. "You have a good first day?" Noah opens his mouth, but the teacher cuts in.

"Sorry to disturb you, but I'd rather talk to you first before I send you on your way." Olivia nods, nervousness seeping back in. 

"Noah, why don't you go and get your bag? And Eliza." Noah nods, scampering away. Olivia turns back to the teacher. "I'm Ms. Benson. Is everything alright?" Olivia asks, sitting down when the teacher motions to.

"Nothing's wrong per say. I wanted to hear more about his history, what with the..." Olivia nods before diving into an explination.

"That's where we are today. He's still shy and has a few problems connected to his early abuse, but he's a good kid." There's a crash somewhere in the room and Olivia sighs. "At least some of the time." The teacher laughs.

"No, he had a great first day, opened up after about an hour. Especially when we got to talk about family and he told all of us how proud he was to be a big brother. I assume this is Kate?" The teacher asks, looking at the now sleeping baby. 

"Yup. Noah's extremely proud and protective of her." The teacher smiled.

"Anyway, after that he was more open. I also think he's gonna become friends with his desk mate, they hit it off immeditly."

"That's great to hear." Olivia says, breathing a sigh of relief. Noah patters up to them, pulling on her arm.

"Are we going to go home soon, Mommy?" 

"Sure, Love. Let me just finish up with your teacher first."

"That's really all I needed for now. We can talk more at the first parent-teacher conference." Olivia nods.

"Thank you. What do you say, Noah?"

"Thank you for the great first day!" Noah says, shooting the teacher a crooked smile. They leave the classroom, Noah bounding alongside Olivia.

"How was your first day?"

"Good! Ms. Adams is very nice!"

"That's good. Do you like anybody in your class?"

"Yeah! The boy who sits next to me is really nice! He's new here, too! And he lives near us and has a cool stuffed dragon called Kazul and he likes to draw like me and has a little sister, too!" Noah says in quick succession that takes Olivia a moment to pick apart.

"What's his name?" Olivia asks, finally, buckling Noah into his seat.

"Jack!" 

"Would you like Jack to come over?"

"Yes!" 

"I'll call his Mom soon then..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guessed it! This is going to be continued! I'm introducing more and more characters. So far we have the follow:
> 
> Kate (Katherine) - Little sister, biological daughter, about 4 years younger than Noah  
> Chloe - kitten  
> Jack - Noah's friend  
> Eliza - Stuffed cat Noah has
> 
> I'll update the tags soon 'cause those are lacking greatly...


	48. Jack

Olivia's walking down the hall, an armful of dirty laundry in her arms from the bathroom, intent on reaching the laundry room with no interruptions. Of course that never happens. She peaks her head into Noah's room and is thrown into dismay.

"Noah!" She calls to the little boy running around the room with his airplane, making buzzing noises.

"Yes, Mommy?" He asks, neatly landing the plane on the land strip sticker that Olivia had placed for him on his dresser.

"I told you to clean your room," She says, still looking at the boy's messy room in horror, "Jack's gonna be here in an hour; you want it to be clean, right?" Noah pouts, but starts to put things away. Olivia smiles, assured that the room will be clean, and finishes walking down the hall. Olivia's buzzing with nerves over the boy's play date. Noah had so much trouble making friends, Olivia hoped that this would work out. And at the same time, Olivia hoped she got along with Jack's guardian. She'd talk to a man on the phone and he'd seemed nice enough, but if Olivia didn't get along with the family, it would make it difficult with Noah and Jack being friends.

Olivia was putting clothes into the drier when the doorbell went off. It surprised Olivia since it was only 10:30 and they said they'd be here at 10:45. Olivia shrugged and went to open the door, shocked again by who she was faced with. The woman she'd met while waiting for Noah on that first day... what was her name again? Julia, it comes back to Olivia then. The woman's looking mildly shocked, recognition etched into her face as well. There's a little boy attached to her left hand, looking shy and starting to hide himself in the woman's pant leg.

"Julia Yeberson." The woman said, offering her free hand. Olivia laughed.

"I remember, Olivia Benson." She said, grasping the women hand. "And this must be Jack." Olivia said, smiling down and the hidden head. The woman nodded and directed her son to face the woman. "Come on in, Noah's been waiting." Olivia said, opening the door wider. The boy, after nudge from his mother, patters in.

"Thank you." He says and Olivia's about to replay before Noah runs out of his room, into Jack's arms.

"JACK!" Noah called, hugging the boy close. Olivia's eyes flew open wide in surprise especially to see Jack hug back.

"Noah!" The boy said, grinning.

"Come on, my room's this way!" Noah said, pulling away from the hug and grabbing Jack's hand, practically dragging the boy down the hall. Olivia laughed as the giggling boys dissappeared.

"I'm not gonna drag you, but do you want to come to the kitchen? I have some tea or coffee, whichever you prefer." The woman smiled.

"That would be lovely." And with that, the play date officially started. By the time it had ended, there had only been 2 crises - hungry kids that Olivia had not expected at that hour, so she just quickly whipped up some mac and cheese. Then there was a little accident jumping off of the bed and hitting their head. Quick ice pack and a candy, issue was solved. - and lots of fun. When Rafael had come home that night, wrapping his arms around Olivia and kissing her, she'd smiled.

"Good day?" He asked.

"The best."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took sooooooo long, guys. I started a new job and I was adjusting. Plus I had a hard time writing the ending of this chapter. *Shrugs* Never know when writer's block is gonna hit. So, we'll see/hear mentions of Jack. I even have another chapter I wrote earlier. I might dust it off, work it up. Who knows. Anyway, Krissa, I promise I haven't forgotten about your request. I've spent time planning it out in my head, so there's a decent start to it. I hope to have it up in a week - might be a little hard, I've never written that type before. Anyway, I promise I'm done! As always, prompts are welcomed :)


	49. Happy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Krissa:
> 
> Can you do one with Barba having terminal cancer and Olivia was there on every step of the way until he dies? I love Barba too much to not let him suffer terrible things in fan fictions... :) Would love a lot of hugs, holding hands, and stroking hair scenes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. I've been wrapped up. Noah's about 7. Kate's about 2, maybe 2 1/2. It's angsty, bring tissues? I dunno. This is all new. Hope you ~enjoy~ it. You saw the prompt, so warnings there. If you feel uncomfortable with that, it'll be cheerier next chapter. I promise.

_August 10th, 2017_

Rafael had always been in it for the words. Even before he became a lawyer, but especially afterwards, too. Every sentence, every word, every utterance. It was a gift to him. A chance to analyze, examine, and learn. A chance to understand. A chance to use it. For good or for bad. Every single word. Today, in the short span of an hour, of what feels like a year, he's told hundreds of words. Thousands, perhaps millions. He doesn't know. Because he only hears one. Only one resonates in him. Only one he hears and repeats over and over. And that word is terminal. 

It was only supposed to be a normal check up, too. 

~~~

_July 14th, 2017_

"Rafi, you need to go to the doctor." Olivia said, brushing her graying hair out of her eyes so that she could glare at him properly. "You're 2 years late for a checkup, and you're having a few stomach issues anyway."

"I'm fine, Liv. It's just a stomach bug." 

"This is unlike any stomach bug I've even seen before. And, like I said, two years late!" 

"But-"

"No buts. I already made the appointment. You're going." He huffs, but knows there is definetly no getting out of it now.

~~~

_July 28th, 2017_

"Mr. Barba, have you been following a weight loss regiment?" The doctor, Dr. Hubly, asks, staring at her chart in confusion. 

"No, although does being a lawyer count?" He asks, trying to get her to laugh a bit. It's worrying when she purses her lips and continues to look at her chart.

"I noticed a few abnormalities, nothing certain. I would like to do a few tests."

"What type?" Barba asks, aware that this is becoming more and more serious.

"To start off, a CT. We'll go from there." Barba nods, accepting her receipt for the appointment tomorrow. He also found that worrying since it was rare testing got done that quickly.

~~~

_August 10th, 2017_

"So you're telling me..." Barba trailers off, can't even finish the thought. "I have," The doctor just looks down, brushing her hair out of her face.

"I'm so sorry Mr. Barba. But don't see it as the end. There are treatments. One of the best pancreatic doctors is in New Jersey, only an hour from here. I'll refer him to you." Barba's too shocked to say anything.

~~~

_September 1st, 2017_

Barba's just spend 2 hours of his life scared and getting stabbed at the same time. And getting no answers, not until he's sat down with a serious looking doctor. The one Dr. Hubly had referred him to. Dr. Halestone. He'd explained everything. What stage he was at, what treatment options there were. He didn't say only 1 thing.

"Any questions?"

"How... how long?" 

"You're very advanced. Maybe a year if we treat it."

"And if not?"

"6, maybe 7 months."

"What's the survival rate?"

"Less than 1 percent at this stage." Barba nods. "If you choose to treat it, we'll fight strong. I have a feeling you'll fight. But otherwise, we can manage your pain and make it... easier." Barba says nothing. Should he cry? Should he fight? Should he even try? He doesn't know. All he knows is that he wants to go home now. To his wife. To his son. "Let me know, take some time." The doctor says, sending him home with a perscription to fill and a few other necessities. 

~~~

_September 3rd, 2017:_

Rafael's lying in bed. He still hasn't told Olivia. He hasn't figured out how to. She has no clue. He didn't tell her that he went to the doctor the other day. She still thinks he visited his mother and everything went well at the appointment over a month ago. 

"Rafael? You're going to be late for work." Rafael nearly mumbles, 'why bother?' It's been on his mind a lot recently. Why bother? Why get up everyday? Why fight and look strong? Why look happy and okay when he is so not? The reason why jumps onto his bed 2 minutes later, shouts of 'Papí' coming off his young voice. 

"Hey, Mijo." He responds, picking up his son and tickling his belly, blowing raspberries on them. "Where's your sister?" 

"With Mommy!" He responds, giggling as Rafael continues to torment the little boy by tickling him. 

"We gonna get you ready for school? It's your first day after all." Noah nods, grinning.

"I hope Jack's in my class again! And I hope my teacher sits us next to each other! Oh, I can't wait!" Noah says, crooked grin present all the while. Rafael smiles and finally gets out of bed, Noah in his arms, squirming. "Papí! I'm too old for this! I can walk, I'm going into _second grade!"_ Noah yells, as if Rafael's committed a terrible crime by carrying him. 

"Sorry, Mijo." Rafael says, chuckling. Certain things out of his mind... for now.

~~~

_September 12th, 2017_

Rafael comes home from a long day to Olivia on the couch, looking at him sternly. He walks over to her and tries to kiss her - as always - but she pushes him away. "What's wrong, Cariño?" He asks at being denied a kiss. Olivia reaches over and pushes a button on their answering machine.

" _Hello? It's Dr. Halestone of the New Jersey office. I'm calling for Mr. Benson-Barba about our appointment nearly two weeks ago. I have not heard back from him and have a few questions. If he could call me back at my office, the number is (786) -456 - 2213. Extension is 778 and my office hours are from 9-5 every weekday, 10-3 on Saturdays. Thanks, bye."_ The message cuts out with a long beep.

"Why is a Dr. Halestone from New Jersey calling you, Rafael?" He looks down, tears in his eyes. The first time since he got the news. Because it's suddenly becoming very very real. "Why, Rafi?" She asks, her voice cracking. He looks up to find tears in her eyes, too. 

"I, um..." His voice breaks off as he's taken over by full on sobs. Olivia stands up and grabs him, pulling him into a hug. He can feel her shirt getting damp and it's that that eventually brings him back into reality. He stops crying slowly, his head turning to fit perfectly on her shoulder.

"It's okay, Rafi." Olivia whispers. Except it's not, and they both know that.

~~~

He's filled her in with all the details. All of them. It's a long night, and neither of them sleeps much. They probably wouldn't have at all it if they hadn't tired themselves out with tears. They decide it together. There's no treatment needed here. All that's needed is some time together, pain free and cozy. They wake up the next morning, hand in hand, trying to pretend it's okay as Noah and Kate jump into their bed. Kate with some help from Noah. 

"What's for breakfast, Mommy?" Noah asks, bouncing on their bed. Olivia giggles, picking up Noah and pulling him close, kissing him on the head.

"Well, what do you want, Love?" She asks. Noah's eyes fly wide open.

"I get to choose?" Olivia looks over to Rafael, who's picking up their daughter. He nods slightly.

"Anything you want, Love."

"French toast! With lots of maple syrup!" 

"Alright, hon. I'll start on that now, but you gotta help me some." He nods, and they walk off to the kitchen together. A normal morning. Maybe that's what's best, Rafael thinks as he moves to change Kate. A normal morning. He needs that.

~~~

It's November, and things have gone downhill fast. He's getting sicker and sicker, and has already started to wrap up all of his cases. He's accepting no new ones. Long term ones are going to his replacement, Carisi. No one knows why this is happening. No. Rafael is not letting anybody know why he's done at SVU. 

"Tomorrow's my last day of this case." Rafael says, getting into bed after swallowing some meds. 

"Yeah?" Olivia asks, putting down her book and setting aside her reading glasses, welcoming him into her arms. "You only have 6 more cases after that, right?" He nods, settling into her arms. She starts to play with his hair just like she always does now days. It's comforting to him and helps them both sleep.

"It feels weird, not being so overworked." He can feel her nod, still playing with his graying locks. _Silver fox,_ Olivia likes to say to reassure him. Secretly, she likes him to worry about that. It's an easier thing to worry about. She stops playing with them and her hands slide down to grab his. 

"I know that feeling. I've been lightening my work load for our vacation in a month." He smiles, playing with her hands. Her ring, specifically.

"The kids'll love it." He says.

"What's going to be their favorite part do you think?"

"Finding out we're actually going on a vacation for once?" Olivia laughs and he smiles again, softly. He loves her smile. 

"Yeah. I think it'll be the snorkeling." 

"That you're going to do with Noah." She says, knowing that Kate's too young for snorkeling. "Kate'll love the tide pools. They're supposed to be filled with small organisms. Maybe we'll see a starfish." She whispers, interlocking their fingers and flicking off the light. "It'll be great."

"Thank you, Olivia." Rafael whispers softly before going to sleep. He doesn't need to explain why to her.

~~~

Their days are filled with random hugs and touches. Randoms smiles and tears. Random fights that stem from their shared fear. One day Rafael comes home and Olivia's sitting on the couch in a towel, hair still wet from her shower.

"Where are the kids?" He asks calmly as his heart thumps inside.

"Out with your mother." Rafael puts down his briefcase and pulls off his tie in a way he knows drives her crazy. He leans over her, lips millimeters from her. So close that she can feel the ghost of his lips moving. Can feel his warm breath as he says one word.

"Good." And he captures her lips in his, wrapping them up in a passionate kiss. He picks her up and brings her to their bedroom. Hours later, their hands interlocked again, he looks over to her and smiles. 

"I love you." He whispers. She smiles like a lazy cat, sated and tired.

"I love you, too." They fall asleep. Lucia, seeing them asleep, puts the kids to bed herself and invites herself to the guest bedroom for the night. 

~~~

Kate's too young, but they knew there would come a day that Noah would ask. Ask what was wrong, ask why papí was sick so much these days. They just didn't realize it would come so soon. January, Noah climbs into their bed late at night.

"Papí, what's wrong?" He asks. Rafael puts aside his book and pulls his son into his lap.

"What do you mean, Mijo?" He asks, trying to seem upbeat. It doens't work.

"Why are you sick all the time? Why are you working less? Why did we go on that vacation?" He asks in quick succession. Rafael and Olivia look to each other.

"You know that sometimes people get sick, right, Noah?" Noah nods slighlty. "Not just flu sick, or for a few days. They get sick sick." Noah nods again, slower than last time. 

"What do you have, Papí?" He asks, lump in his throat.

"I have a type of cancer, Noah."

"Well, are you gonna get treatment?" Noah looks up at him with Bambi eyes.

"Sometimes..." Rafael starts.

"Some cancers can't really be treated." Olivia jumps in.

"So..." Noah trails off. Just like when he was a toddler, Rafael can see the gears turning in the little boys head. After a few seconds, Noah erupts into tears, gripping Rafael tight. "You can't, Papí! You just can't!" He wails, pressing his head into Rafael's stomach. They let him cry for a bit, until he's composed enough to look them in the eyes again.

"Hey, Mjio." Rafael whispers. "I love you." He says, pressing a kiss to the boy's head. "I love you, okay? I will always love you, even after."

"How, Papí? How can you love me after?" 

"I'll always love you, Mijo. I loved you since the day I met you and you became my son. Mijo. I loved you every day since and I will love you every day after this day. I will be there in your heart, and there in you heart. You'll hear me in times of trouble, and feel me in times of good. I'll always be with you, Mijo. And I'll always love you, too." Noah nods slightly, still crying. 

"And Kate? And Mommy? And Abuela?"

"I'll love them and be there with them, too. I've loved your Abuela since the day I was born, and she's loved be back. I love Mommy since the day I met her, and I'll always love her. And I love Kate since the day I found out Mommy was pregnant with her. I will always love her. I will love Abuela, Mommy, Kate, and you. I'll always love you." Noah smiles slightly.

"Can I sleep here, tonight?" 

"Of course, Noah." Rafael says, lifting the sheets and letting Noah scoot in between them.

~~~

It was was early April when Rafael was emitted into the hospital. And it was mid April when he left. Noah visited every day; cried every day, too. "Don't leave, Papí. Don't leave, please." He'd beg, but Rafael'd just smiled at him.

"I'll always love you, remember, Noah? Always and forever." Lucia would take home a distraught Noah to a confused Kate, who hadn't seen either of her parents for days at a time. Olivia practically lived by his bed. Just holding his hand and talking to him. Random kisses and hugs given to him. Randomly, he'd find his hair being stroked and murmers of 'I love you' falling off of both of their lips. Rafael reflected, every single day he was in the hospital, about how lucky he was. How he got all this love from Olivia. He wasn't scared. They were lying in bed, together. The nurses had long since stopped trying to get Olivia out of his hospital bed. It wasn't going to happen.

"You okay, Love?" Olivia asked, hands interlocking again.

"I'm not scared." He whispered. Olivia smiled, a tear falling down despite it. "Don't cry, Cariño. I don't want to see you crying. I always told you you were an ugly crier. You were much prettier smiling at me through the blinds of your office." She chuckles, more tears slipping down. "I'd walk in and you'd look up. You'd smile, just for me. That's how I knew, Livvy."

"Knew what?" She asked, more tears falling.

"Knew that I loved you. I knew I loved you when you looked up at me. And you smiled, all for me. I knew I'd always love you then."

"I love you, too."

"Then be happy. Please. If it happens, let yourself smile again like that." She full out weeps now, wrapping her arms around his neck, softly strocking his hair. "Be happy." And suddenly there's a flatline noise in the room. She pauses, something inside of her breaking. Cracking. And as she's shoved out of the room so that the nurses and doctors can try to do their jobs. She falls to the floor of the hospital hallway and screams, brokenly. _Be happy,_ echos in her mind as all she can do is weep. 


	50. Coffee and Donuts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Jessica:
> 
> I would love it if you could do a chapter where Olivia wants Barba to get along better with the squad so she has a party to get everyone together. Barba complains about it until Olivia makes a bet with him saying that if she's right and he can get along with the squad, he has to buy her coffee and donuts for 2 months. If Barba wins, Olivia has to admit she was wrong and buy him coffee and donuts for a month. Olivia wins the bet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been awhile, guys. I was wrapping up my summer job, then went away for a bit, so RL's been hectic. I'm back though! Hope you enjoy this silly chapter, maybe a tad bit lighter than the last one(still sorry 'bout that, by the way). Enjoy.

Olivia sat at her desk, tapping her pen on the table over and over. It's occasionally clicks open or shut if she throws it down with enough force. Either way, the rooms filled with the pad and click of her pen. And the noise of her chewing on the end of her reading glasses. A bad habit, admittedly, but one she couldn't bring herself to stop. She's playing last night's conversation over and over in her mind.

_"Why can't you just get along with the squad?" Olivia asked, frustrated with her partner's stubbornness. He shrugged, taking a sip of his coffee, which also boggled her mind. Who drinks coffee at 6:30 pm?_

_"We're not very agreeable, I guess. And "Sonny"" Rafael say mockingly, putting quotes around the man's name, "Is always following me like a stray puppy that I fed_ once. _And Fin doesn't seem to like me. Rollin's okay, I guess, though she thinks I have an ego people could ride to where they need to go. Anyway, it's not like I'm really desperate to become friends with them either."_

_"I need you to be friends with them, Rafael. They're my friends. Hell, they're my family, Rafi. My only family. I need you to get along with them now that we're dating, even if they don't know it yet."_

_"Well, how do you propose we become friends, or at least get along?"_

That question's been in her mind all day. How could she possibly get all of these people, very different - good, of course. Just different - people, to like each other? Even Fin wasn't 100% on board with Carisi yet. And of course there were Carisi and Rollins dancing around the inevitable that everyone _knew_ was going to happen at some point. Her pen taps the table to the beat of her mind asking over and over, "What to do, what to do."

~~~

"We're going to have a party." Liv announces once all the squad is gathered. She didn't bring them together. They were just working silently in the squad room and that's when she'd figured out the answer to her problems. A party. Rafael's pen falls out of his mouth, which he'd been chew on just like she chews on her glasses, and it falls to the floor with a clatter. Putting it literally into the stamens, "It was so quiet you could hear a pen drop." Was it pen? Maybe pin. Neither here nor there. The point is nobody had a response to her. "Friday, we'll stop working an hour early. There'll be food. Everybody comes." And she dissapears back into her office, not letting herself hear anything from her squad, good or bad. She closes and locks the door. 

~~~

"Livvy." Rafael whines her name slightly. Not that he'd ever admit he was whining. "Why do I have to go to this party?" He asked, pressing his at into the juncture of her neck and shoulder, his breath making her squirm as he breathes warm breath against one of her more sensitive spots.

"You said how could we get you closer to the squad, this is my way of doing it." She replied calmly, despite the slight blush the came up from his abuse of one of her more sensitive spots. She just continuied to mix the batter she was making for brownies. For the party tomorrow. Rafael had whined at her nearly every day this week since she'd made the announcement, and it was getting really tiresome. He kissed against her pulse point, and she desperately tried to ignore it. _Ignore it, ignore it. It's definetly a tactic._ Olivia thought. Her body's response was, _one that's definetly working._ Well, he could distract her for a while, with brownie batter forgotten on the counter, but that wouldn't mean the matter would be dropped. 

So, resting in bed afterwards, Olivia just brings it up.

"You know you're still going." Rafael groans, very differently than he was 10 minutes ago. "Tell you what." She starts, whapping him and rolling slightly so she was lifting herself above him and facing him eye to eye. "If you can't get along with them after the party, I'll admit I was wrong and buy you donuts for a month."

"And coffee." He pipes in.

"And coffee." She agrees.

"What do you get? _IF_ you win?"

"Same thing. Coffee and donuts for a month." They nod and shake hands. Then kiss softly before Olivia gets out of bed. 

"Where are you going?" He asks.

"There are still brownies to make." He snorts, knowing her baking abilities.

"Hey, they'll be good!"

"Wanna bet on that, too?" So she loses that bet and doesn't end up with brownies for the party the next day, but she knows that she is right about him making friends.

~~~

The party goes off without a hitch. Or at least, she thought so. Every one was talking - after, admittedly, some push from Olivia - but then people got along. And she kept tabs on Rafael all night. He wasn't overally thrilled, but he was talking to Fin for a long time now. And then he actually managed a 5 minute conversation with Carisi. That's why she was so suprised when he told her he didn't like the party.

"I dunno. They're nice, I just don't think we got closer. They're nice people, just not friends. Colleagues."

And that's why she's bringing him coffee for the third day in a row. She nearly drops the coffee when she sees Rafael laughing and talking with her squad.

"Rafael?" She inquires, handing him the coffee. "What's going on?"

"I might have made more connections than I previously thought." He admitted sheepishly. He honestly didn't lie to her earlier to win the bet. He just didn't realize that he actually liked these people. And that they liked him back, once they'd gotten to know him better. 

"Two months." She says, knowing he knows excatly what she means, and she walks into her office without another word. She only leaves him behind to explain the bet to her squad, and she watched him squirm. She watched the blinds of her office; she had to stifle a laugh around her coffee and turned around to start working.


	51. Imagination

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! You think I died or something? I'm alright, just got caught up in work and another fic. I know I have a prompt for more after school stuff with Barba, but I've had these two chapter on hold for so long and I haven't been able to write either, so I'll post one now and the halloween themed one on *gasp* you guessed it! Halloween! Then I'll get back into prompts. Sorry it's been so long, but enjoy this cuteness!

Rafael felt nerves sweep through him, making him feel sick and flutters in his heart. Noah's teacher had requested that either he or Olivia hang back one afternoon while picking up Noah because she needed to talk to them about something. It's exactly the fact that he doesn't know  _what_ she wants to talk about that's making him nervous. Nervous as he presses Kate's sleeping head against his chest and tells Noah to go and play a bit. 

"So, what did you need to talk to me about?" Rafael asks after exchanging pleasantries. Noah's teacher, Mrs. Adams, smiles awkwardly. 

"Um. I've noticed a shift in your son's behavior." Rafael's brow furrows, but he allows her to finish her thought. "He's not being... quiet, exactly. But he's stopped playing with other kids. Rather he sits and talks randomly." Rafael bursts out laughing, waking a fussy Kate. 

"Shush, mija. Lo siento yo te despierté.*" Kate stops fussing at Rafael's soothing Spanish, but doesn't return to sleep. Mrs. Adams' has a small smile at the usage of Spanish, but returns to worried.

"You laughed, Mr. Barba. Do you know why Noah's been acting so strange?" The corner of Rafael's mouth quirks into a smile. How should he explain what started five months ago?

~~~

_Five Months Ago:_

"Then we can have sandwiches!!!" Rafael, passing Noah's slightly ajar door, is about to remind Noah that Kate is too young to do many things - including eating solid food. When he pushes the door open, however, he discovers that Olivia has taken Kate to get changed and Noah is talking to nobody.

"Who are you talking to, Mijo?" Noah shoots him a crooked grin, dimples flashing. 

"My friend!"

"Oh? Who's your friend. Where is he? Hiding under the bed?" Rafael walks to Noah's bed and looks, Noah giggling.

"No, silly! She's right there!" Noah says, pointing at his lazyboy. There's nobody in it. "She's shy, though."

"Oh? Well, hello... I don't know your name." 

"Rachel."

"Well hello then, Rachel. There was a mention of sandwiches?" Noah grins and runs to the kitchen. Rafael makes him a sandwich... then makes one for Rachel, too. Later, when they're playing, Rafael eats the extra sandwich. 

~~~

_Later That Night:_

"So Noah has an imaginary friend." Rafael says that night when the kids are bed and they finally have a moment of peace.

"I know." Olivia whispers softly. "I find out about her yesterday. Was gonna tell you, but we were both so tired. Then there was something more interesting to think about." Olivia says slightly suggestively, Rafael blushing slightly at the memory. Over 3 years of marriage and one kid, yet he still blushes. She loves to make him blush. "I don't see any harm in him having one." Olivia continues.

"Oh no. I had one, they're totally fine."

"Really, Rafi? You had an imaginary friend as a kid."

"Well, when I started school, I only spoke Spanish. Nobody wanted to play with the weird kid who they couldn't talk to, so Miguel was my outlet. What about you, Cariño?"

"I didn't have one, but I did have a lot of stuffed animals. I'd give them personalities and have them have conversations and lives and everything." Rafael smiles at the image that comes into his mind. Of a young Olivia playing in the refuge of her room, fake friends all around her.

"We came far, didn't we?" Rafael asks, gripping Olivia's hand tighter. They both knew of the horrible childhoods they'd come from. The reward they'd manage to reach seemed to make it worth it.

"Yeah." 

~~~

So they allowed Noah to pretend. He kept his real friends, Jack continuing to come over every week. And Noah stilled played with Kate all the time. Chloe got lots of belly rubs and scratched behind the ears every chance he got. But now he also showered attention on his 'friend' who turned out to have quite a personality. Apparently, Rachel liked to play sports, but no football. That was stupid. She liked sandwiches, but not with the crust. She liked the water hot and liked her ice cream slightly melted. She liked Calvin and Hobbes, but wouldn't read superhero stuff. Her favorite activity seemed to be playing with Noah. 

So for two months they played with nobody but the three of them knowing. Well, till Mrs. Adams' got worried anyway...

~~~

_Present Moment:_

"Noah's alright. He just has a new friend." Rafael purposefully avoided using the term 'imaginary' in case Noah overheard. "Rachel. They play all the time." Mrs. Adams smiles and looks over at Noah, who's offering something to nobody. "She should," Rafael lowered his voice so that Noah definitely couldn't hear, "go away sometime soon."

"I understand, Mr. Barba. I had one myself. He'll move past it. I'm just glad to hear he's healthy and happy."

"Never better, actually." Rafael responded, looking at Noah who was looking at nothing with shining eyes. It breaks Rafael's heart to know that Noah's friend may go away. Or even be forgotten forever. But he also knows that it must happen for Noah to live his life healthily in the future. What Rafael doesn't realize is that Noah's eyes are shining with tears. His friend's already gone.

~~~

_10 years later:_

"I did not!" Noah's deep voice rumbles indignantly. 

"Love," Olivia started, pushing gray locks out of her eyes, setting her reading glasses on top of her head, "You have one for 5 months."

"I couldn't have!" In the background, Kate's mocking laughter rings through the house. "You shut up!" He yells to her. Kate just cackles louder.

"Rachel was very sweet. I remember the day I realized you stopped believing in her." Olivia says sadly. "You father said you were crying on your way home that Rachel had left. Why would she leave? Up until then, though, you did practically everything together." Noah whines in embarrassment. "Honey, I had similar friends when I was young and your father had one, too."

 _"But I didn't!!!"_ Kate's voice singsong's through the house.

" _NO, Y_ _OU JUST CARRIED A BLANKET AROUND FOR 4 YEARS!"_ Noah responds, and Olivia can't help but laugh at her daughter's blush.

"Moooooom!"

"Did you deserve that?" Olivia asks. Kate mopes, but doesn't deny it. "So you don't remember Rachel at all?"

"No."

Rafael, getting home and hearing just enough of the conversation to get what was going on, can feel his heart breaking. That little boy -  _his_ little boy - had once been so happy. Then again, Noah had managed to find something better... (will be revealed in future chapter)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Gasps!
> 
> Abitfairytail, you left a cliffhanger! And the next one's not gonna address it? Nope. Tuesday's won't answer it. You'll just have to wait *Laughs evilly
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it though, and I promise the answer to this cliffhanger will be up soon.  
> Till then,  
> -A


	52. Halloween

The first few years, Olivia took Noah, then Kate, out for halloween. When Noah turned 7, and Kate was 3, they started doing themed costumes. The two of them went as whatever you could make using things around the house. Which basically meant creative box ideas. Here are a few of their costumes:

2017(Where Kate is 3 and Noah is 7):

This year's idea is simple. Bags of jellybeans. Olivia's lungs nearly burst blowing up all the yellow, green, blue, purple, and pink balloons. She also nearly stabs herself trying to cut out the holes for the kid's arms. But eventually it comes together. They set out, the three of them. Kate had trouble walking, and Olivia couldn't find anyway to pick her up in that costume, so they were deciding to call it a night. The last house they went to swung the screen door open... straight into Kate. Who flew backwards before Olivia could even react. However, in the split seconds following that she bounced back up and onto her feet. Not a single balloon popped she was  _so_ light. It becomes a story they tell for years. The story of the screen door. 

2018:

This year's idea takes advantage of their moving boxes. They decide to go as solved and unsolved rubix cubes. Noah got sick a day or two before halloween, so it's up to Olivia, Rafael, and Kate to make the costumes. They spend the 30th cutting out 18 red, 18 white, 18 green, 18 blue, 18 orange, and 18 yellow squares, then meticulously paste them to the box. Noah is feeling good enough to go out for halloween and they manage the whole neighborhood, the kid's pillow cases nearly overflowing. Especially Kate's. One of houses contained a women who sent Olivia for a loop. She swooned over Kate, proclaiming how cute she was, then proceeded to dump half the bowl into Kate's pillow case before turning to Noah and crossly saying,  _"TAKE ONE!"_ They laugh about that one for years. 

2019: They go as stove and oven. It's also the first year Noah walks around with Kate, their mother staying at home. And definitely having a panic attack the whole time. While Noah and Kate got weeks worth of candy, Rafael rubbed Olivia's arm, saying over and over, "It's just around the block." They come home safe, of course.

2023: They go as washer and dryer.

2028: It's the last year they go together - or at all for either of them. Kate's decided that she'll stop trick or treating after Noah's gone to college, which was going to be next year. They are definitely too old to go trick or treating, but they enjoy it. And they're not the only teenagers. This year, however, it's one the 2nd of November. There was a tropical storm during the 30th. Nothing dramatic, but it knocked out power for 3 days, so halloween was postponed so that now kids were out in the dark. This year, they go as a national grid security team. Noah's candy box is a toolbox. Kate's hair is in long brown ponytails. They both sport jeans, work boots, and an old white t-shirt they used sharpies to write the words,  _"National Grid Security Team"_ on it. It's a smashing hit, but also bittersweet. Never again will they do this.

2045: This year is the first year Noah and Kate has seen each other for 3 years. They hadn't gotten into a fight and still talked after Olivia had passed a year and half ago, but they'd never managed to be in the same place at the same time. Kate had moved to Colorado and Noah to Massachusetts. Finally, in 2053, they decide to meet up. They dress their kids, Rachel and Michel, in plastic bags along with yellow, green, blue, purple, and pink balloons. "I finally understand why mom was cursing so much that night." Noah pants as he blows up his 30th balloon. 

"She would've loved to be here." Kate remarks sadly, putting the last balloon aside. Noah just sadly nods his head.

"You know that year when you got hit by a -"

"A screen door and I was so light I flew back up and didn't even pop a balloon." The two of them dissolve into laughter.

"Not as bad as the year where you got all the candy."

"What can I say, I was obviously cuter." Noah shoves his little sister, and she shoves back, but they just laugh. 

"It's nice we're doing this this year." Noah remarks the next day as they watch the kids scuttle up to a house. 

"Yeah, I always wanted Rachel to do these themed costumes, too." Noah nods, remarking the same.

"Well, next year." Noah comments, staring pointedly at her stomach. She shoves him again.

"How'd you know?"

"You're as big as a house, sis."

"I am not!" Kate responds, indigently. 

"Not yet, but it's enough to tell. Especially for me." They watch their kids come back to them and send them along their way. 

"I just wished Mom would've known about the one she's gonna be named after." Kate says, gently resting her hand on her swelling stomach. Noah grabbed the hand as the kids ran to the next house.

"She got to meet two of them. She was plenty happy, Kate." Noah said, wiping the tear off her face. 

"I know." So they put it behind them and take their kids to go and get more candy.

2048: Kate takes her two daughters, Olivia and Rachel, out as solved and unsolved rubix cubes. And when Kate sends the photos to Noah, he responds with a photo of his two boys wearing the same costume... and a reminder of the time he was cheated out of candy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow... that got heavy at the end! So sorry! But Olivia would've been about 80, and definitely was still bickering with Rafael. Also, all of this, except for the kids part, was inspired of my own childhood. My brother and I shared costumes like this, and yes, I got all the candy that year. Hope you all have a good halloween! Stay safe, please!


	53. Crush(ing Me)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What... even is this? Answer to the end of Imagination, yes. But also, what? Also, if you're confused about any of the LGBTQ+ terms, I'm very happy to answer them!

**Olivia** :

Olivia's first crush was a girl she'd meet at school, Maddy. Maddy was everything Olivia ever thought she wanted. She was smart, funny, and most of all kind. Maddy was the first person Olivia ever told about her home life. And Maddy would be the first to be supportive. However, the relationship was too good for Olivia to mess up, so for a year, she let the crush simmer - boil is probably the better word - quietly for a year. Till Maddy moved away and Olivia never saw her again. Still, there was always a place in her heart for Maddy. Her second crush was an older boy and one of her mother's students. Maybe it was a crush because he was handsome and sophisticated. Maybe it was crush because it also meant freedom. Maybe it wasn't a crush. Maybe it was a bad idea. Maybe.

Olivia's biggest crush, however, was on Elliot Stabler, the man she wanted but could never have. Her married partner, her friend. Her feelings for Elliot started before she knew he was married and didn't stop till he left her. Didn't even stop then, the temptation just got easier. Nonexistent, really. While she had this crush for Elliot, she had two other crushes: Alex Cabot and Casey Novak. 

Alex Cabot was someone she loved over and over no matter how many times the blond hurt her, whether or not she'd meant to. Alex hurt her when she rejected her 5 times before finally accepting. Alex hurt her when she was sent into witness program, and Alex hurt her when she went back. Alex hurt her when she went to Africa twice. Alex hurt her, yet Olivia continued to crush on her. 

Casey Novak. The straight women. She crushed after her with no avail. That was a hopeless 5 months that she'd never get back. 

However, Olivia last crush was obvious. Rafael Barba. The only one that turned out well. The one that ended with marriage and kids. Then, 12 years later, she'd start to deal with her kid's crushes and heartbreaks. 

 **Rafael** :

Rafael was the special one out of the four of them. He was the only one who was straight. Always was, always will be. He liked women a lot and dated several of them until he entered law school. He was actually quite handsome and popular in high school, so he got to date whatever women he wanted. And that was his crush on his nerdy friend, Amelia. She liked to read and draw. Except Amelia liked to draw women, and apparently liked to kiss them too. That was his first crush; a girl he could never have. He ended up dating 5 girls to deal with the fact that she'd never like him like that.

During law school, he feel in love with a charismatic woman. That ended the second he found out she wanted to be a defense lawyer. Little did he know in the future he'd end of fighting that lawyer with remaining feelings stranded around the courtroom. Rita had never left his heart in a small way and she knew it. She used it too. 

It almost didn't matter to him. Because after 15 years of fighting with the brunette, a better one entered his life. A kind one with warm eyes and no money interested unlike Rita Calhoun. This was the only crush that worked out for him because he married her.

 **Noah** :

Noah had had many crushes over the years. When Noah was 6, he watched  _Beauty and The Beast_ for the first time. Noah was immediately in love... with Adam/the "beast". He'd insisted to watch the movie every day for a month so he could gaze in amazement. Eventually he moved on and didn't think much of it. When Noah turned 7, he had his first kiss. From a kid in his class named John. John was cute with freckles everywhere and curly hair that framed his face perfectly. Noah was in little kid love. He played with him all the time. One day, at the playground, Noah pressed his lips against the other boy's. John stopped playing with him. When Noah was in sixth grade, he had another crush. On a boy he met once at a skating rink. That didn't go anywhere and soon stopped. The real crush, the one that made Noah weak and the knees and finally,  _finally,_ made him realize was gay, lasted. This boy had raven hair and piercing blue eyes. Acne everywhere, but also a smile that could knock you over. Whenever the other boy was in the room, a slight breeze threatened to knock Noah over. And it was also on his best friend, Jack. It was crushing him. But one kiss later, they dated. And dated. And dated. All through Junior and senior year, in fact. Then through college too. When they turned 26, they got married. Still, the crush he had on his husband crushed him day to day. The only relief Noah got was when his hand was intertwined with Jack's, knowing he had him forever. 

**Kate:**

Kate found love anywhere and everywhere, what with her being Pan and Polyamorous. Kate's first crush was actually on both of her best friends, Julia and Mark. She ended up dating Mark for 2 months before the 15 year olds broke up. Her second (or technically third?) crush was a cute genderqueer girl she'd met at the movies after college. Sure, Kate had dated since Mark and Julia, but she hadn't had a  _crush._ Nothing that made her sick, flutters everywhere, knowing that the other was perfect for her. The girl, Sarah, who preferred she, her, hers pronouns, but on somedays used they, them, theirs, was the one to initiate their relationship. After Kate went to see the same movie for the third time just to see Sarah, Sarah added a phone number along with her ticket. Kate called her the second the movie was done. 

They dated for 2 years before Kate had her fourth crush. Henry was a coworker she met at her job as a teacher. Still dating Sarah, but knowing that she was poly, made her torn. She'd never told Sarah that she was poly and was too scared to do so. How would Sarah react? Even if Kate could stick with the idea to commit to just Sarah, Sarah may think that Kate would break up with her one day and break up with Kate right there and then. Kate loved Sarah too much for that. But then one day Henry kissed her and Kate knew it was time. Sarah surprised her. She said it was okay and that she'd actually like to meet Henry. Maybe the three of them could figure something out. Mark, too, seemed to be okay with this idea, already having known that Kate was dating someone. The three of them eventually committed to each other, promising to stay together forever. They couldn't get married, seeing as that was still illegal, but they got tattoos of rings. They also had a few children. It definitely was an unconventional family, but it didn't matter. Kate had a crush on two people, sure, but they loved her back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, happy to answer LGBTQ+ questions! Or other questions. Also, Maddy has more history in a different fic I wrote if you're interested. I wrote a fic called "A-Z of SVU" and the B chapter, B Becomes Bisexual, Maddy's explained more there! Don't need to read that to get this, though :) 
> 
> Um, I may elaborate on the kid's love lives in future chapters if you are interested in that. Let me know if you'd like to see more of that, or rather just see them as little kids! Either's good with me, I just wanted to write this. :)


	54. Happy Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Isabel:
> 
> Please continue this [Happy], show how Kate, Noah, Liv, and Lucia move on.
> 
> This is a sequel to happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's been soooooooooo long guys. I don't wanna give excuses, so I'll just give a explanation. I've been out of it. I haven't written fic in a while, more interested in writing a personal project, but I felt like I needed to finish my prompts, and I got back into it finally! I might write with more frequency, I'm not sure yet. I'll definitely complete the prompts I promised to do. Definitely keep giving me prompts, I'll tell you if I can't handle them. I even have an idea of my own, so there'll be a few more chapters to this fic in the future. It just might be more sluggish as RL catches up and I put more of my attention on personal writing.
> 
> As for this chapter: I said I probably wouldn't write this, but I'm was willing to try. Before you read this, please, please, keep in mind I have never dealt with a family loss like this. I have been extremely lucky, so I'm going to do my best based off of what I have seen around me. Hope you enjoy.

How do you even describe the numbness that enters you? That complete feeling of hopelessness. Except that fades, and you just become... numb. You don't feel, and you don't know what to do. Olivia stumbles day to day. She doesn't go to work for weeks, she can barely get out of bed. She knows depression, and she knows she's depressed. She wants to do better, she wants and wants... but then she gets up and sees Kate's green eyes, just like her husbands, and... 

She knows she should do better. She knows it. She knows she should be strong and be the one who rocks Noah to sleep, wiping away his tears instead of Lucy. She knows she should be the one playing with Kate all day. She knows she should be the one to pick Noah up after he has a fight. She knows, but she can't bring herself to do it. She can't get herself out of her bed. She can barely shower and feed herself. She feels like dying. She really really wants to. She just wants to burrow further under the covers and  _die._

Then something changes. One day she wakes up and the cold next to her isn't surprising. Kate's eyes don't send her into tears. Sure, they still jerk her inside, but she can do it. She knows she can. The look of surprise on Lucy's face when she walks in to find Olivia cooing and feeding Kate isn't missed on Olivia. There's a tear shining in Olivia's eye as she tells Lucy, "I can do it today." Lucy's smile is tender, one of sympathy mixed with happiness. 

"Why don't I go get Noah ready?" Lucy offers. And that's when Olivia has a moment of clarity. 

"No, let him sleep." Lucy stops mid step and her eyes widen. 

"It's Tuesday." Lucy offers up sheepishly. "He'll need to go to school soon." Olivia smiles as Kate happily takes another bite.

"No, he doesn't. He's gonna sleep in before staying home today, and the three of us are gonna play as a family. In fact, why don't you take the day off Lucy?" Lucy's too shocked to do anything, just watching as Olivia cleans Kate up and bounces her around. "Why don't we make breakfast for you brother, yeah?" Kate giggles, blubbering a few incoherent words. Lucy slips out and Olivia busies herself making french toast, Noah's favorite. He wakes to the smell.

"Mommy! Where's Lucy? Why aren't I at school? Is something wrong again?" Noah's eyes seem to fill with tears, the idea that something else has gone wrong stuck in his mind.  _Somebody else._

"Everything's fine, Love. I just thought we could have a fun day at home. I made your favorite." Olivia said, putting french toast in front of the boy who had sat down at the table. She put her hand gently under his chin and softly forced him to look at her. She gave him a soft smile before she slipped away, and Noah found himself feeling better, taking a bite of his breakfast. 

They play all day. Kate wakes up a little after Noah finishes his breakfast, and they get her through her morning routine, Noah making silly faces at Kate while she eats. Then they play a few games, Kate sitting nearby with a few teddy bears, babbling to herself. Noah never stops smiling once. 

"Wanna watch a movie?" Olivia asks Noah after they finish lunch.

"Yeah!" Noah says enthusiastically, already running to the tv. 

"Noah!" Noah cringes, turns around with a "mommy?" falling off of his lips. "What are you forgetting, love?" Noah blushes scarlet and grabs his plate off the table. Olivia grabs him and kisses him, picking Kate off of her high chair. "Which movie today, Noah?" Noah bites his lip, cogs turning in his head as he tries to decide.  _Mulan!_ Noah grins cheek to cheek as he grabs the remote to set it up. They watch the movie, then make cookies together. Noah spills the flour, but it doesn't make Olivia mad. Instead, she ruffles Noah's white hair, drawing patterns in the spilt flour with her foot. Then they sweep it up, put in the cookies, and forget it ever happened. 

The next day, Olivia gets up again. She sheds a tear, but gets Noah out the door and feeds Kate. The next week, Olivia calls to let her bosses know she's ready to come back to work: slowly, of course. The week after that, she has her first day back. It's one of the first days ever. She'd been up all night before scared of the pitying faces she'd face.  _Not again_ , Olivia thought. She makes it through and even finds their bad guy. 

It's slow, their progression. Some days are worse than others. Some days Noah gets into fights. Some days Olivia's late to bed because she's been fighting to get out of her bed. Some days Noah cries with Chloe in her lap, and Olivia comforts him. But they get there. They get back into a sort of normalcy. 

_Two years later:_

Olivia can't believe she's here. The wedding ring around her neck burns as she spots the person she's been looking for. She self consciously smooths down her dress and sits down. All she can hear is Rafi's voice as the woman greets her. 

"It's nice to meet you, Olivia," the woman, Sammy, says. Her voice is sweet and warm like honey, and it makes Olivia happier than she wants to be. She quirks her lips up into a makeshift smile.

"Same here, Sammy." The night is clunky, to say the least. Olivia feels guilty. She feels guilty that's she's out. She feels guilty that she can't focus on the amazing woman ahead of her. She's guilty that she's making Sammy feel bad. She's guilty that she's not taking Rafi's last words to heart. Sammy walks Olivia back to her car.

"Can I ask you a question, Olivia?" Sammy asks, standing in front of Olivia's car. Her red hair's fallen into her eyes, and Olivia feels the urge to lean forward and brush it away. She doesn't, instead nodding a 'yes' to Sammy. "Did I do something wrong? I feel like you didn't like me."

"No! I really enjoyed today, it's just..." Sammy's eyes are filled with confusion and hurt. "I was married a while ago. He told me 'be happy' before... before he passed. It's just been a little harder than I thought it would be." Sammy gives a small smile. Bittersweet and understanding. She grabs Olivia's hand.

"I understand, Olivia. These things take time. I really liked you, but I don't want to push you. Call me if you think you're ready." Sammy releases Olivia's hand and presses a quick kiss to her cheek before walking away. For the first time that night, it's not the ring that burns, but the spot where Sammy kissed her. Olivia calls her a week later. 

Olivia finds it both easy and hard to take this plunge. She feels guilt, oh so much of it, but love too. She's fallen in love again. Sammy's everything Olivia would hope for. She's smart, funny, kind... good with children. Kate falls in love with Sammy almost immediately, ready to cling onto another parent figure that's been absent half her life. Noah takes some convincing, but he eventually falls in love with Sammy, too. Olivia continues to wear Rafi's ring around her neck, but she has a feeling she might wear another on around her hand one day.

So, for the first time in years, Olivia's passed normalcy. She's happy again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is truly where I'm gonna leave it. Hope it's a nice fix-it fic, and I hope I didn't... ruin anything? Remember, I don't have a lot of experience!!


	55. Period

The house was too quiet, Rafael reflected. Kate was quickly becoming a teenager, her 13th birthday in two weeks, and she often hid from the family. Noah was over at Jack's house for the weekend. And Olivia... why did Olivia have to go away for that conference? The apartment was so quiet, just the sound of the ticking clock breaking through the silence, that Rafael could easily hear his daughter's door open. She plodded across the hall to their bathroom. 

Rafael turned the page of his case file as the click of the lock bounced around the walls. There seemed to be a muffled sound out of Kate's mouth, but he tuned out to give her some privacy. A couple of minutes later she emerged from the bathroom and sat in the armchair across from him. 

"Hey, Cariña, how is it going?" He asked her softly, slighting his reading glasses to the top of his head. He closed the case file around his finger to save his place. She blushed, and she looked away. Rafael could see her swallow, and she murmured something so softly he could not hear it. "What is it, Kate?"

"I'm... I'm bleeding, Papí." He nearly asked her  _did you cut yourself?_ before he put it together. 

"Oh," He said, dumbfounded. This was not supposed to happen. Olivia had once told him that she got her first one pretty late, at the age of 14 and a half, as did her mother and grandmother.  _Kate's got a few years, and I'll be there to help_ , she had assured him. "Um..."

"Filler word, Papa," she reminded him.

"What are you using now?" 

"Toilet paper. I don't, you know... have anything." He nodded. They had not bought her anything. That was poor foresight.

"I do not think your mother has anything either." It had been years and years since Olivia had gotten a period since she had had Kate pretty late in life. If there were any pads or tampons around, Rafael did not know where. "Why don't we go and buy some?"

"Coul- Could you go? I'm not feeling great." She had curled into a fetal position, her hands clutching above her uterus. Sweat had started to form.  _Of course, Kate'll probably have bad ones_ , Olivia's voice floated through Rafael's head again,  _I did. Sometimes I couldn't go to school because they were so bad._

"I will go. I will be back soon, okay?" Kate murmured something. Rafael rubbed her head softly and left the house.

He tried to call Olivia, but she was in the middle of a presentation. He left an awkward message.  _Why did Olivia have to leave again?_ Rafael asked himself again as he crossed the street.

~~~

Why were there so many choices? He did not understand any of them. He picked up a box of tampons with the inscription "super size". Olivia used these. Would this work for Kate, too? An employee was walking by, but he payed no attention to her until she touched his arm lightly. 

"Do you need any help?" the woman offered. Rafael looked at her, relived in many ways.

"Yes, please. My daughter just got her first period, and my wife's out of town." 

"Ah, one of those." His eyebrows rose in surprise, and the young woman, probably only 17 or 18 herself, shrugged. "We get your type every couple of weeks. Now, do you know how heavy her flow is?" Rafael blushed, and he felt kinda ridiculous for feeling embarrassed. This was normal, after all. "Well, I don't suggest the super size tampons. She'll likely have a lot of trouble putting them in or getting them out again." Rafael nodded, feeling kinda silly for thinking that. He put them back on the shelf and the employee, Deb her name tag said, showed him to a "teen" section. "I'd suggest starting with pads since they're easier for first time use. It'll be gross, admittedly, but she won't have to insert anything. She hands him a box of 54 pads.

"Will this be enough?" He asks, staring at the box in his head.

"She should change them either when they're full or she's been using them for 3-4 hours. Unless she has an incredibly heavy flow, and even then that's suspicious, this should last one. Probably even two cycles." He nodded and accepted the box. They were pretty. They had stars and were different colors. They were designed for young teen's underwear so it wouldn't be overly big. 

"Thank you. Is there anything else I should get?" he asked. 

"Yeah, there's a couple things I'd suggest, but they're not cheap."

"That is not a problem, not for her."

"Good man," Deb said, leading him to somewhere else. "I'd suggest Midol. It's great for cramps. You could use normal advil, but this targets the menstrual cramps directly and is more effective."

"She seemed pretty off when I left her."

"Then take the extra strength." She put a pink box in his cart along side the pads. "Do you have a heating pad at home?" He shook his head. "Okay, here's one. This is also good for cramps. This is also good because they just slip inside her underwear, and she can go about her day. Warn her to use the plug in one when she can since these are pretty expensive, but they're great for if she has bad cramps in school." He nodded since tomorrow was Monday. "Adviser her to try and move. It won't always work, but sometimes a bit of exercise is really good if you have cramps.  _Hot_ baths are great too... can I touch your hand?" Deb asked.

"Su-sure?" She quickly grabbed his hand and rubbed purposefully at one spot. 

"That's a pressure point. It might help her. There is also one here," she pointed to a spot near her ankle. "She might lose her appetite, have more appetite, have mood swings, and all other sorts of symptoms. Look them up if you're concerned."

"Thank you so much," he told her, gratitude slipping from his lips. He turned to go and buy the items in his cart, but she stopped him one last time.

"Don't forget the most important thing." She handed him a box of chocolate. "Replace it with her favorite type if you want, but she'll want nothing more than chocolate." He thanked her again and payed.

~~~

"Kate?" Rafael called as he got home. She was not in her chair, so Rafael went looking for her. He found her on the ground on her stomach with her shirt pulled up. "Kate?" he asked again.

"The floor's so cold. And the sharp part feels good" She murmured, more sweat on her forehead than when he left. "It hurts so much, Papa." 

"I know, Cariño," he offered, rubbing her back, but she swatted him away.

"YOU DON'T KNOW! NO MAN KNOWS!" She laughed bitterly. "I finally get it."

"I get that at least. I got you some stuff the woman at the store recommended."

"God,  _she_ knows?" There was shame in her voice, and Rafael did not like that.

"She's a woman, too, Katherine. You all get them. Besides, she wanted to help. She got me these pads." He showed her after he got on the floor next to Kate. 

"Pretty," Kate said, only slightly annoyed.

"She said to change them either when they are full or every 3-4 hours."

"What about at night?"

"Oh, huh. She did not say anything about night. I'm guessing just wear one through the night. Anyway, she also got me this." He pulled out the midol. "It will help your cramps." Rafael showed her the other stuff. Kate finally cracked a smile when she gave him chocolate.

"I get to have this? All to myself?"

"Yes, Cariño. It's yours, okay?"

"Yes, suck it, Noah!" She then whimpered again and slumped back. 

"I'll start a bath and get you some water, okay?" She nodded. "Oh! And try this." He rubbed at her pressure points and she sighed in relief.

"Thanks, Papa." She came out of the bath half an hour later to her favorite dinner. 

"I'm... I'm not hungry. I don't even want the chocolate now." She looked like she was gonna cry, she felt so guilty. Rafael hugged her.

"It's okay. Your mother had the same problem, too. It'll be there later in case the spell breaks...." He looked at the food with mock starving eyes, "Although, I do not know... maybe I will eat it all." She mock slapped him, wrangling herself out of his grasp. He laughed.

Olivia called at 10, which was after Kate had gone to bed. 

"Rafael, are you okay? I just got your message!"

"Oh yeah, we are fine. Kate just got her first period."

" _WHAT?"_ Olivia yelled over the receiver. "Is she okay? Did you get her pads? Is sh-"

"Liv, she is fine. The woman at the store helped me. I got her pads, heating pads, midol, chocolate..."

"Chocolate, huh? You'll do just fine." They both laughed. "How was she, though?"

"Bad cramps, like you said. She looked like she was gonna throw up at one point." Olivia made a sound of empathy.

"Yeah, I'm not surprised. Is she okay, now?" Rafael was in the doorway of Kate's room, watching her sleep. He had not done that since she was very young. She was clutching her stuffed animal and looked peaceful in sleep.

"Yeah, I think she is." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got some sad news, all. I will be ending this fic shortly. I might be writing one last request, but I might not. Basically, this is pretty much it unless you see this work in the next month. Thanks for reading along. Your support has been great and much appreciated.


End file.
